The Misadventures of Unit FOXHOUND
by PhoenixAS Comics
Summary: I'm still alive. A duel of Authors, with Shade Wolf opposing my FOXHOUND team. Who will win? Who betrays? Who get's challenged to a muktuk eating contest? Who wrote this garbage? Combat between FOXHOUND and BLACKHOUND!
1. I want PIE! Liquid's adventure

Disclaimer: The man who owns nothing has returned.  
  
I'm back! If you're wondering if I'll get around to bringing the two boys back, don't hold your breath. I'm through with me. And Ryan. Unless I get a review otherwise. (Review, please for the love of god review!) I'll actually put a few Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty characters in. Send some bleeding suggestions. I might bring back a few old friends too. Read my serious fic: Les Enfants Terribles, Take2. It may not be funny, but frak, it's... just read it.  
  
The Misadventures of Unit FOXHOUND!  
  
Chapter 1: I like pie! Liquid's Big Day!  
  
FOXHOUND HQ (an old cigaret factory they renovated)  
  
Fox and Snake are in the war room. It's actually the basement, they just like giving stuff cool names. Like their weapons. Snake's USP is Nutcracker and Fox's Socom is ShadowSlayer. Yes I meant to keep it one word. 150 words as of 'word'. Cool!  
  
Snake: (smoking his perpetual 'Lucky Striker' filterless cigaret. I'm not making this up, it says so in Metal Gear2: Solid Snake) (singing) Mr. Crowly, what went on in you're head?  
Mr. Crowly, did you talk to the dead?  
  
Fox: (also singing) You're life seemed so tragic, amongst all the thrills.  
You fooled the people with magic,  
  
Both: Yet you waited on Satan's call!  
Mr. Charming, did you think were pure?  
Mr. Alarming, you're nocturnal report.  
Uncovering things that were sacred, buried deep in this earth.  
  
Mr. Crowly, wont you ride my white horse?  
Mr. Crowly, it's symbolic of course.  
  
Naomi: (from upstairs) Shut the frak up!  
  
Liquid: (pops up from behind the couch) Blow me!  
  
Naomi: Why you little..! (storms downstairs) I'll beat you into an empty meat sac!  
  
Liquid: I'm the only one who beats anything even remotely me!  
  
Fox: (thinks about it) Frak, my virgin mind's eye!  
  
Snake: Huh? (Thinks about it too) AAARRGGG!!! I'm BLIIND!!  
  
Liquid: Perverted fraks, I meant it to be a defense, not the truth!  
Naomi: So you don't?  
  
Liquid: (embarrassed) None of you're bloody business, woman!  
  
Snake: Yeesh, PMS or what?  
  
Liquid: HEY!  
  
Fox: Agreed, I mean, just look at him! (Points to Liquid, who's so mad his coat turned red)  
  
Liquid: (steam shooting from his ears) You guys better show some respest!  
  
Snake: Or what? You'll liquify us?  
  
Liquid: I'll liquidate you!  
  
Fox: Liquidate? What does that even mean?  
  
Naomi: Kill.  
  
Snake: Oh, that's not good.  
  
Liquid: Has it ever been?!  
  
Fox: Calm down, you're pulling a Raiden when he doesn't get his pudding.  
  
Liquid: I am not!  
  
Naomi: But you are whining.  
  
Liquid: That's not true!  
  
Snake: But you're a cry baby.  
  
Liquid: I swear to God, you guys rip on me 13 or 15 more times and I'm outta here!  
  
Fox: Be reasonable.  
  
Liquid: What the deuce do you mean, 'reasonbable'?  
  
Snake: You're the glue that binds us.  
  
Liquid: I'm what?  
  
Naomi: Think about it, you're our man.  
  
Liquid: I'm you're man?  
  
Fox: You're the man! Think about it, who bought two rounds of pop and popcorn, with his own money?  
  
Liquid: Me...  
  
Snake: And who saved me in the boarding tournament?  
  
Liquid: Me.  
  
Fox: And told us how to shop for grocery's?  
  
Liquid: (getting proud) Me!  
  
Snake: And who did most of the cooking, not to mention putting out Raiden and the soup?  
  
Liquid: Me! I am the man!  
  
Naomi: What an I, chopped liver?!  
  
Liquid: Frak off, and get me a pie.  
  
Naomi: A pie?  
  
Fox: The man wants a pie!  
  
Snake: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
Naomi: Oh God no!  
  
Liquid: Shopping time!  
  
Naomi: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
At the recreated shopping district. If you want to know what happened to it originally, read: The Adventures of Neo FOXHOUND. It's my first fic. Just read the epilogue.  
  
Snake: Okay, we can bye a pre-made pie, or we can bye the ingredients and make our own.  
  
All three: Make our own! Hell Yeah!  
Liquid: (tearing up at the 'Hell yeah') Those two will always be in our hearts.  
  
Snake: And on Fox's T-Shirt.  
  
Fox: Yup.  
  
Snake: Gotta pick me up some Lucky Strikers. (Lights up the last and starts to smoke it)  
  
Fox: Those things'll kill you.  
  
Snake: So will trying to stop me from smoking.  
  
Liquid: Yeah, all the son's of Big Boss smoke. (Light up a 'Shirley Temple's Cremated Corpse' cigaret) Man these things rock!  
  
Fox: You two disgust me. (Lights up a doobie)  
  
Snake: Sure we do, pot boy.  
  
Fox: Damn Clark got me hooked! (Clark had Fox put in the exoskeleton)  
  
Author's Note: Fox is not in an exoskeleton.  
  
Liquid: Some men are just sick, doing inhuman things.  
  
Snake: Like you.  
  
Liquid: All I wanted to do was cause a nuclear war!  
  
Fox: I'm talking about the thong.   
  
Author's Note: Liquid wears nothing but a thong under his coat. Usually a pink one, but he's wearing a black one to commemorate Mike and Ryan.  
  
Liquid: What's inhuman about wearing a thong? Mei-Ling works for Naked News!  
  
Fox: You see, eye pumping Mei-Ling in a thong is alright, but you? You're the man, but I ain't your b***h.  
  
Romanian Voice: No, but you'll soon be mine.  
  
Snake: Not him, anyone but him!  
  
Vamp: That's right, I'm afraid to tell you that Satan dumped me, so I had to leave.  
Fox: And you expect me to be a b***h's b***h? Look bud, I am out of your league.  
  
Liquid: (gives Fox a look)  
  
Fox: I mean that I'm not your type... I mean gay!  
  
Vamp: I'm bi.  
  
Fox: (seething with sarcasm) That makes a whole world of difference, doesn't it?!  
  
Liquid: What do you want, wizard?!  
  
Vamp: Aside from you're friend... I have stolen every ingredient necessary to make a pie! You're dreams shall never come true! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-  
  
Liquid: You stole my pie! (Runs up to Vamp and kicks him in the knob) Take that, fruit boy!  
  
Vamp: (really high voice) I'm bi.  
  
Fox: Like I care! (Runs up and kicks his head like a football) HA!  
  
Snake: (takes aim and shoots at him as he is soaring through the air) Die, double sucker!  
  
Fox: Score! (Pick up the dog tags he dropped) Oh my God...  
  
Snake: What?  
  
Fox: Mike and Ryan's dog tags!  
  
Vamp: (magically fine and behind them) That's right.  
  
Liquid: How the DEUCE do you do THAT!?  
  
Vamp: Trade secret.  
  
Snake: You mean sucking blood AND wazoo has a trade?  
  
Vamp: You could have said it more delicately. Anyway, you're friends body's have been recovered, and they are being reanimated as we speak.  
  
Liquid: How long will that take?  
  
Vamp: Until chapter 7!  
  
Fox: Using our friends against us, who could be that evil?!  
  
Vamp: And from their Author powers we shall create an unbeatable army, formed from their genes.  
  
Snake: Enough Star Wars references!  
  
Vamp: Tigger was an agent. She believed herself capable of crashing this universe on itself alone.  
  
Liquid: Who could be that evil?  
  
Vamp: The Patriots!  
  
Liquid: You work for the Patriots?!  
  
Vamp: That is true.  
  
Liquid: Death to the Patriots! (Runs towards him screaming ' For Nosgoth!)  
  
Vamp: HA! (Jumps away and throws a knife at his shadow) Freeze!  
  
Liquid: (stuck) The deuce? (Shoots the knife and it flies away) There we are.  
  
Vamp: They can do that?! (throws a knife at Liquid)  
  
Liquid: HA! (Shoots it out of midair then shoots Vamp in the balls)  
  
Vamp: ARG! (Doubles over in pain and loses double health) Take this! (Charges him and pauses for a moment, getting ready to do his gut slice move)  
  
Liquid: Take this! (Punches him in the gut, then shoots him in the bullet hole in his head for double damage) Freak!  
  
Vamp: HAARCH! (Leaps on top of the convenience store and poses heroically)  
  
Liquid: Knob sucker! (Shoots him in the gut)  
  
Vamp: Arg..! (takes normal damage and does his spinning knife barrage attack) JUST DIE!  
  
Liquid: Blow me! (Rolls across the pavement to dodge them, then fires off a couple shots) And I don't mean it seriously!  
  
Vamp: Damn it! (Takes a shot in the knee) Noo! (Flips over Liquid and tosses the knife while in midair, then lands on a car and tosses 3) DIIIIIE!!!  
Liquid: Never! (Dodges the over head knife, then shoots the other ones out of mid air, then shoots Vamp off of the car) Lay in a pool of your own tainted blood, double sucker!  
  
Vamp: NNNOOOOOOOO!!! (falls into a pool) HHAAAAARRRCH!!!! (has the same death seen)  
  
Fox: Seriously weak, like I'd ever die the same way twice!  
  
Liquid: Patriot b***h! (Lights up another cig) I am so the man!  
  
Snake: Time to recover that pie! (Tosses eight grenades into the pool)  
  
Vamp: (inside the pool, gets blown up) Poopie!  
  
Fox: Look, he left a treasure map.  
  
Liquid: Let's follow it!  
  
Vamp: (still in a pool. It's now red) Beaten by a Legacy of Kain fanboy...  
  
Snake: Where do we go first?  
  
Fox: To the Sahara Desert!  
  
5min later  
  
In the Sahara  
  
Fox: So hot... must find water...  
  
Snake: Screw water, must find freezer...  
  
Liquid: I want my pie! Where the deuce do we go now?!  
  
Fox: Right... here! (Reads hidden message) Go to Niagara Falls and ride a barrel over it. Frak.  
  
Snake: Who cares? This could be fun!  
  
Liquid: We have to get me a pie, or we'll disobey the title!  
  
Fox: You're right, I mean, like the Author would let us die!  
  
Snake: He killed himself and Ryan.  
  
Liquid: (suddenly scared) You mean we can die at any moment?!  
  
Fox: Even before we make another 10 steps.  
  
Snake: (looks at their dangerous surroundings, snakes, scorpions, the circling vultures) Guys, I think we could be in trouble!  
  
Liquid: Snake! Those who dare, win!  
  
Snake: Screw the wisdom! That's when Kojima was our Director! He retired!  
  
Fox: (walks over to Snake and slaps him across the face) Look at you! I was head of Zanzibar! Do you know the life expectancy!?  
  
Snake: 60 years?  
  
Liquid: (slaps him)  
  
Fox: 42 fraking years! I led a country whose birth rate was lower than the death toll! If I, a secondary character, can do that, you can make a fraking PIE!!  
  
Snake: You're right. Whose the man?!  
  
Liquid: Me.  
  
Snake: Agreed.  
  
Fox: Unanimous.  
  
Snake: To Niagara Falls!  
  
5min later  
  
In Niagara Falls  
  
Snake: It's illegal?  
  
Tour Guide: Yes sir, I'm afraid so.  
  
Liquid: But I want my Goddamn PIE!!!  
  
Tour Guide: (scared) I-I-I'm sorry sir... it's not alow-  
  
Liquid: (grabs the teenage dork and throws him into the falls) It's not illegal if I kill any authority figure who stands in my way!   
Fox: Look here! (Is standing amongst barrels) It ain't cardboard, but it's incognito!  
  
Snake: It'll do. (Climbs inside) Guess we have to roll, huh?  
  
Liquid: How the Hell else would we do it?  
  
Random Kid: Want me to push you guys in?  
  
Liquid: (face turns red) Damn, right in my chapter!  
  
Fox: Don't worry, I'll happen to all three of us. (Hops in his barrel)  
  
Liquid: (climbs in) Make it quick, or I'll throw you in and get someone else!  
  
Kid: Yes sir! (Pushes them all off, but get's his sleeve stuck in the barrel) Mister, I'm stuck!  
  
Liquid: Tough, I WANT MY PIE!! (drags the kid off the ledge)  
  
Kid: NNNNOOOOOOOOO!! (gets dragged in) GGGGGGGUUUUUUUUGGGGGLLLLEE!!!  
  
As one, the heterosexual male members of unit FOXHOUND fall off of the Falls, dragging some really unlucky kid down for the ride  
  
Kid: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!   
  
SPLASH!  
  
The men ride down until they reach a shore, then get out.  
  
Liquid: How the deuce did this help?  
  
Fox: Hey, that kid had has a tatoo!  
  
Snake: And... we care why?  
  
Liquid: Seriously!  
  
Fox: It's a map!  
  
Liquid: SWEET! (Runs over) It says... we should go to Japan, and bye a Gundam Wing box collection!  
  
Fox: All right!!  
  
Snake: Let's go!  
  
Liquid: Thanks kid! (Drops a ten on the kid's corpse)  
  
5min later  
  
Some random Japanese movie shop  
  
Liquid: One Gundam Wing box collection please.   
  
Shop Clerk: (looks at them funny because they're still soaked) (Japanese accent) Would you like anything else?  
  
Fox: No.  
  
Clerk: How about a Trigun box set?  
  
Snake: No.  
  
Clerk: How about the Sailor Moon movie?  
  
Liquid: I swear to Kami-sama!  
  
Clerk: The Sailor Moon is the best selling movie in this store, and-  
  
Liquid: (so fed up he reaches over and flips him over the counter, then punches him three times and snaps his neck) I want my pie! Nothing shall stand in my way!  
  
Fox: (pops open the box set) Go to the point of origin? What the frak does that mean?  
  
Snake: Go back to the shopping district, dipstick.  
  
Liquid: Onward, there shall be pie to pay!  
  
5min later  
  
Back where it all began  
  
Liquid: Soon... soon it shall finally end...  
  
Fox: No stealing my lines!  
  
Snake: I think he's mad at all the times we stole his lines.  
  
Liquid: The piiie! (Drops onto his knees and smashes his head off of the ground)  
Fox: What did I just tell you?  
  
Romanian Voice: You shall be my b***h, foxy one!  
  
Fox: No dissing the name, you knob sucking, blood sucking ballerina!  
  
Vamp: This time I shall not fall as easily!  
  
Liquid: Oh really?  
  
The guys all exchange a simultaneous nod.  
  
All: (pull out shitguns) Eat shit! (Fire on him)  
  
Vamp: (completely covered in darts) Ha! I'm still awake!  
  
All: (just smile evilly)  
  
Vamp: Trying to psyche me out, huh? It wont work! (Hits him) Ooh, my stomach! (Runs off with doodoo running down his legs)  
  
Liquid: Shitboy! All whom dare stand in my way shall fall! Pie shall be mine!!  
  
Snake: (picks up a paper Vamp dropped) I was lying, and sent you on a wild goose chase so I could heal and get ready for a rematch. You guys really suck.  
  
Liquid: That fool, he should have known that I always get what I want. Except for war. Damn Patriots!!  
  
Fox: Let's go, it's almost over.  
  
5min later  
  
Liquid: Yes, I want all of this.   
  
Clerk: Then you have to pay.  
  
Fox: I wouldn't piss him off.  
  
Clerk: What's he going to do? Snap my neck?  
  
Liquid: (reaches over, flips the guy over the counter, and snaps his neck) Time to go home.  
  
Snake: (has two stolen Lucky Striker packs in each pocket) At least I wont have to sneak these out.  
  
Fox: Frak! Security camera picked up the corpse!  
  
Security: Freeze! (Behind him is 50 more)  
  
Snake: Damn!  
  
Liquid: I shall have my pie... Metal Gear! ATACK!!!  
  
Out of nowhere, a dozen rockets rain destruction on the guards.  
  
Liquid: Ha!  
  
Fifty more come out of nowhere and attack.  
  
Snake: Damn!  
  
Fox: Bail, everyone out!  
  
In slow motion they turn and run for the front door, shooting down innocent bystanders that stand in their way. After they clear 15 feet, Fox, turns around and back flips, like in MGS and instead of firing a laser, he taps a button.  
  
BOOM!  
  
The entire store crashes down, all that is left is a toilet, occupied by Vamp.  
  
Vamp: (making disgusting noises) You bastards are sick! (A huge ripping sound and the sound of water pouring come from his butt) AAARRGG!!!  
  
Snake: Now that's Metal Gear!  
  
5min later  
  
Everyone is gathered around the table eating the pie. It's actually well made.  
  
Meryl: This pie tastes kinda funny.  
  
Liquid: That's because we put 150 ounces of reefer into it.  
  
Naomi: You did what?!  
  
Raiden: (running around naked) I CAN TASTE THE SUN!!!!!!  
  
Liquid: How much did he have?!  
  
Snake: (looks at Raiden's plate) None.  
  
Fox: Really?!  
  
Snake: Yeah.  
  
Fox: Sweet! (Forks the slice and swallows it whole) This stuff is great! (Hits him) I CAN TASTE THE SUN TOO! (Starts running around with his arms apart) I AM LIKE THE AIRPLANE, PROUD AND WHITE!!  
  
Snake?: (gets him too) I CAN SWALLOW THE RAINBOW! (Runs around biting air)  
  
Meryl: Woah... I can't see straight, Raiden actually looks attractive and Naomi's jugs have Dave's face tattooed onto them. SATAN IS MY LORD! PIE IS MY FRIEND! (Runs around cradling the pie)  
  
Liquid: THE SUN IS PINK, AND SO IS MY THONG, LET US CELEBRATE, AND LET US SING A SONG! MWAHAHAHAH! (Runs around singing 'The Unforgiven')  
  
Naomi: I AM NAOFO, AND I'M ONE TOUGH MOFO!! (runs around screeming)  
  
All of then suddenly bonk heads, stand stunned for a moment, then drop like stoned stones.  
  
Author's Notes: Snake's smokes, Lucky Striker are filter less. I made Liquid's brand up. Well duh. I AM CANADIAN! Review, and I'll give special thanks, and turn your ideas into a chapter.  
  
Special Thanks: Thank you Stefanie, Black Raven, and you too, James. Oh, and MysticGear for reviewing Les Enfants. You guys rock!   
Screw X-Box, long live Hideo Kojima! 


	2. Solidus intrudes, the death of Vamp

Disclaimer: Guess who owns nothing. If you said me you won a place in my heart.Review and earn a place on my page.   
  
Sephira Strife, you're suggestion is now a chapter.   
  
Someone else review Les Enfants Terribles, seriously! I am not gonna update until 4 reviews come in. 2 more to go.  
  
Mike and Ryan shall return.  
  
Chapter 2: Solidus Snake intrudes, The Death of Vamp.   
  
FOXHOUND HQ. Yes, it's still the cigaret factory.  
  
Once again, they inhabit the basement. Meryl is having an arm wrestle with Liquid. He ain't winning. Snake is chain smoking as usual. Fox and Naomi are watching Metal Gear: In the Darkness of Shadow Moses. Yes, it's a movie in my fic. None of them got royalties. They are 'royally' pissed. Heehee... Huh? No Ryan, it does not suck. Frak off!  
  
Fox: I do NOT sound like Lance Bass!! For frak's sakes a BLACK man did my voice. You rock George Byrd!  
  
Naomi: I can't believe they got Jennifer Lopez to do me! I do not look like her!  
  
Liquid: (struggling not to lose) At least I got Sean Bean! That guy kicks ass! Flinders must be so pissed.  
  
Meryl: (so po'ed she's whooping Liquid) Brittany mother-frakring SPEARS!!! (slams Liquid across the room)  
  
Liquid: (head lodged in the door) Guys? Help?  
  
Snake:(smoking three at once to keep his nerves stable) Pierce Brosnan. I can't believe I'm Pierce Brosnan.  
  
Meryl: (now feeling better) I did not sleep with Snake in Shadow Moses! That Spears is such a skank!  
  
Raiden: How the Hell come I wasn't in the intro!?  
  
Me: You suck.  
  
Raiden: Oh... okay!  
  
Snake: That's it! Fast forward until the credits, I wana know who the Hell directed this crap!  
Fox: Gotcha. (Skips to the credits) Okay, director, director... Holy frak!  
  
Liquid: (still stuck in the wall) What? What does it say?  
  
Raiden: Yeah, who dictored the movie?  
  
Everyone: (gives Raiden a blank stare)  
  
Liquid: Were I not stuck in a wall, I would most assuredly be staring at you.  
  
Snake: Just tell us who directed it.  
  
Fox: Ex President George Sears!  
  
Meryl: Woah, the President?  
  
Raiden: Hey, that's my daddy! I love daddy!  
  
Snake: You idiot! It's Solidus!  
  
Raiden: I hate Solidus! (Pouts) He was nothing compared to daddy!  
  
Fox: (wide eyed) They're the same man you stupid pudding eating dink!  
  
Raiden: Where's the pudding?  
  
Fox: ARG! (Punches him over the couch) YOU FRAKING IDIOT!!  
  
Liquid: Shoot for the ball! The balls I say!!  
  
Author's notes: Liquid is not in Ocelot.  
  
Snake: All in favor of tracking him down, kicking his ass and then feed him our soup?  
  
All: I.  
  
Snake: Unanimous. I love that word.  
  
Raiden: (laying on his face) I love pudding.  
  
Fox: Screw off, Jack Off.  
  
Raiden: (silent) Oh, I'm Jack Off. What did you say, guy?  
  
Fox: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! (drops to his knees and smashes his head off of the ground) NNNNOOOOOOOO!! (runs up into the kitchen, then drops all of his clothes, and runs around the backyard nude) LOOK AT THE HORROR!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Liquid: What's going on? My head is still in the door!!  
  
Snake: Nothing unusual.  
  
Liquid: Nude in the backyard again?  
  
Meryl: Yeah, again. Crazy freak, he really should cut back.  
  
Naomi: (doesn't know he's a stoner) Cut down on what?  
  
Liquid: Uuuhh... the beer?  
  
Snake: Yeah! He's a boozer!  
  
Naomi: I knew it!  
  
Raiden: He smokes weed too, nice doctor lady!  
  
Naomi: (lowers her eyes to squints, then turns to the guys. Unfortunately for her they're all gone, including Liquid and the door) FRANKIE!!!!  
  
5min later  
  
Fox: (completely shocked) We get stoned at least three times in each fic, and she still took all my weed and burned it. Then she threw in all of Snake's bodily hair into the fire to make it smell like crap!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!  
  
Everyone Else: (having heard the story 24 times) We know...  
  
Liquid: Please shut up...  
  
Snake: (has USP pinted to his own head) Good-bye, cruel world.  
  
Meryl: Can I use the USP after you're done.  
  
Raiden: (enthusiastic) I love my daddy!  
  
Fox: Then it is time!  
  
Everyone Else: (in shocked silence that he didn't complain)  
  
Fox: We must kill Solidus Snake!!  
  
Raiden: Then hug daddy!  
  
Liquid: If you can still hug him after we're done.  
  
Author's Note: Liquid's weapon is a M93R with three round bursts. Heheh... sound like bust. And bust means jugs.   
  
Ryan's voice in the background: You're an idiot.  
  
Snake: That's a good idea! We're off to Hollywood!  
  
Fox: He lives in Minnesota.  
  
Snake: Frak...  
  
Liquid: Then we're off to Minnesota.  
  
Fox: Isn't that dramatic.  
  
After perilous days, the 3 men and the transsexual stop at a dinner. They drive sober and at the speed limit cause they're still afraid of death.  
  
Fox: (trying not to nod off) Can't sleep, will die, can't die, too cool.  
  
Liquid: (looking at Fox, a bit freaked) I really think I should drive.  
  
Raiden: (happy because he doesn't realize he can be killed) I'm gonna hug daddy, then I'm going to hurt that mean Solidus guy.  
  
Snake: (smoking a Lucky Striker) Good idea.  
  
Raiden: Really? We can hug daddy?!  
  
Snake: Liquid, you drive.  
  
Liquid: Sweet!  
  
Fox: Can't be uncool, or I'll die.  
  
Raiden: But we can hug daddy, right guy?  
  
Snake: Just don't crash into anyone's car.  
  
Raiden: MEMEMEMEME!! LOOK AT ME!! MEEEE!!!!  
  
Liquid: Fine.  
  
Stewardess: Sirs, if you can't shut that little girl up we'll have to ask you to leave.  
  
Snake: You get used to it.  
  
Stewardess: I'm being serious sirs.  
  
Liquid: (grabs Raiden's hair and smashes his head off the table a few times) Happy?  
  
Stewardess: I'm gonna call child services!! (runs off)  
  
Raiden: Daddy... help me be a big b***h...  
  
Fox: Can't be arrested, or I'll die!! Come on guys, we gotta run like the Kaze!  
  
Snake: Eh?  
  
Liquid: It means wind.  
  
Snake: Ah. 'Come on guys, we gotta run like the wind'?  
  
Child Services Agent: Freeze you child frakers!  
  
Liquid: HEY!! We frak a lotta things, but we don't frak children.  
  
Random Person: They're child molesters! Get them!  
  
Soon a whole mob comes into creation. Even random people from the street and bums run in and start to beat on the two Snake brothers.  
  
Unknown  
  
Liquid: (wakes up with a huge head ache) Where the Hell are we?  
  
Snake: Prison.  
  
Prison  
  
Liquid: Mobs are the most ignorant people in history!  
  
Author: *ahem*  
  
Liquid: And the author.  
  
Snake: How are we gonna get out?  
  
Guard: You could open the door, it's not locked.  
  
Snake: Thanks. (Walks for the door)  
  
Guard: But I licked the handle!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Liquid: You monster!  
  
Snake: You bastards, don't you have any hearts!?  
  
Guard: You molested a child!  
  
Snake: You're right, let's shake hands and get along from now on.  
  
Guard: Okay, my name's- (gets grabbed by Snake and has his head smashed against the door repeatedly)  
  
Snake: Liquid, we have a problem.  
  
Liquid: Like what?  
  
Snake: The door only opens outward!!   
  
Liquid: Well ain't that fraking beautiful!  
  
Voice: Hey, guys!  
  
Snake: Who said that?  
  
Voice: I'm here! (Drops stealth to reveal Fox) Hey guys!  
  
Liquid: Hurry, get us out of here!  
  
Fox: No prob. (Shoots off the door's hinges)  
  
Snake: You're the man!  
  
Liquid: I thought I was the man!  
  
Fox: That was only last chapter.  
  
Liquid: Good pie, too...  
  
Snake: We gotta find Raiden!  
  
Fox: Then cut his balls off!  
  
All: Hell yeah!  
  
Some random foster home  
  
Raiden: And they call me Jack Off and hurt me and laugh at me and throw things at me and eat my special pie! And Fox is mean!  
  
Foster Mom: Oh you poor little girl, did all that hurt you're feelings?  
  
Raiden: (getting miffed) Yeah, it did.  
  
Foster Dad: And how many times did they molest you, little girl?  
  
Raiden: (really, really miffed) They never did.  
  
Foster Mom: You can tell us, little girl.  
  
Raiden: (snaps and becomes a man) THAT'S IT!! (pulls out his HF Blade) Time to feel pain! (Flips it to blue)  
  
Foster Dad: Oh my God, you're not a little girl, you're a full grown queer!  
  
Raiden: Have at you, eaters of excrement! (Lays the smack down on them)  
  
The front door collapses, and the 'sons' of Big Boss enter.  
  
Author's Note: I consider Fox a son of Big Boss because he raised him.  
  
Fox: Time to die, you squealing, dildo sucking, butt muncher!!  
  
Raiden: You! (Runs over and smashes him in the crotch with the blunt side of the blade) Anyone else wanna try Jack the Ripper?!  
  
Snake: Hell no!  
  
Liquid: I always liked you, you know!  
  
Author: Me too!  
  
Raiden: Good, cuz it's time to kick Solidus' ass!  
  
Fox: (high pitched voice) Hell yeah!  
  
Three days later  
  
Minnesota, in the car  
  
Liquid: Alright, time to kick some Solidus butt!  
  
Snake: (notices a random person) Hey you!  
  
Random Person: Me?  
  
Snake: Yeah, you! Where does George Sears live?  
  
Random Person: He moved to Hollywood yesterday.  
  
FOXHOUND: D'OH!!  
  
Snake: At least we get to go to Hollywood.  
  
Liquid: Uh-huh, I guess there's an upside  
  
Raiden: Let's go, guys!  
  
Snake: It's funny how fast he turned gay again.  
  
Fox: First, we have to stop at that dinner!  
  
2 days later, at that dinner  
  
At that dinner (bet you couldn't have guessed)  
  
Fox: Hey, you! (Gets the stewardess's attention)  
  
Stewardess: You again!  
  
Fox: Eat Shitgun! (Fire's on her)  
  
Stewardess: (covered in darts) What the Hell is that supposed to do?  
  
Fox: You'll see. (Walks out)  
  
Stewardess' Voice: OH MY GOD!!  
A horrible noise is heard in the background  
  
Fox: Die. (Presses 'the button')  
  
The entire establishment collapses, leaving nothing but rubble and the Stewardess on the john.  
  
Stewardess: (a horrible noise comes from her) I'll get you, you child molesting child molester!  
  
Raiden: See you in Hell, nice lady. (Fires a stinger at her)  
  
Stewardess: (goes flying into the wind, leaving only a stump of a toilet spraying out butt juice like a fountain)  
  
Snake: Now that's Metal Gear!  
  
An undefined amount of time later, the three are in a hotel room. The problem is that there's only one bed.  
  
Fox: I get the bed, Snake gets the couch, and Raiden can sleep in the convertible. Any arguments?  
  
Liquid: Where the Hell do I sleep?!  
  
Raiden: I don't want to sleep in the convertible, there are child molesters out!  
  
Snake: There is no couch!!  
  
Fox: Liquid, you can slep under the bed, Snake, I meant that pile of rags the last person left.]  
  
Raiden: And?  
  
Fox: Chop their balls off if they make a move on you.  
  
Raiden: Deal.  
  
Liquid: Fine! (Crawls under the bed) Guys, there's a bloody dildo under here.  
  
Fox: Use it as a pillow.  
  
Snake: There's a corpse under these rags.  
  
Fox: Do I have to do everything myself? (Walks over and pulls the sheet off) That's Olga.  
  
Romanian Voice: That's right!  
Fox: Not again!  
  
Vamp: You really thought that blondie could kill me?!  
  
Liquid: (under the bed) Did you get this dildo red on her bullet wound?  
  
Vamp: Yeah, and?  
  
Liquid: AAAH!! (rolls out from under the couch) I was using it as a pillow!!  
  
Vamp: HAHAHA!! Now you have been marked for death!  
  
Snake: How the Hell did it mark him for death?  
  
Vamp: Shut up! Time to fight!  
  
Liquid: Take this!! (throws the dildo so hard it smashes him through the wall)  
  
Vamp: HARCH!! (gets back up and throws a few knifes in) Die!  
  
Liquid: (shoots him out of the air, then shoots Bi-Boy in the knee)  
  
Vamp: Dammit! (Leaps up a floor and does the 'shadow pin') Freeze!  
  
Liquid: (shoots out the lights, freeing him and making the move useless) Loser! (Shoots him in the bullet hole with a three round burst)  
  
Vamp: (takes six times damage) Goddamn Kain fanboy!  
  
Kain: (pokes his head out of the room) Hello? I've got a fanboy?!  
  
Umah: Kain, just get back in the room.  
  
Kain: Hey, you got a thousand fanboys jerking off to pictures of you right now, I want my spot in the sun.  
  
MGS Characters: (blank stares, except for one)  
  
Liquid: Oh, my God, is my hair alright?!! It's Kain!  
  
Kain: (grinning) You're one of the possessed kid's friends.  
  
Liquid: Mikey? What of him?  
  
Kain: I was walking around in his body for a few chapters. Well, me and Magnus.  
  
Liquid: I'll kick this Bisexual's butt for you, Kain! (Shoots Vamp in the head again)  
  
Vamp: ARG!!! JUST LAY DOWN AND DIE!! (throws about twenty knives) DIE!!!  
  
Liquid: (shoots down about half of them, then rolls under the rest) Nice try, now die! (Fires off the rest of his clip at Vamp) Die under the might of a Kain fan!  
  
Vamp: (takes a hit in the head) HAAARCH!!! TAKE THIS AND DIE!! (jumps down and flips all over the walkway-  
  
Author's Note: There on the second floor.  
  
-and finally lands behind Liquid, hoping to take his head off. He launches himself)  
  
Liquid: (jumps around and plants a foot in his face) Nice try, now die! Again! (Shoots him while he's still holding his face)  
  
Vamp: NNNOOOOOO!!! (gets pissed and glows red) I'll finish you. (Starts to walk calmly toward him)  
  
Liquid: (fires off a shot)  
  
Vamp: (dances around it, then lunges at Liquid, and poses dramatically-)  
  
Liquid: Take this!   
  
Vamp: (-before Liquid puts a boot in his face) Damn!  
  
Liquid: Time's up! (Kicks him in the face so hard he does a 180 and lands on his feet, before he shoots him in the face at point blank range)  
  
Vamp: NEVEEEEER!! (lands on his back and lay there bleeding) Can you really kill me, little man..?  
  
Author's Note: Vamp can hardly breathe.  
  
Kain: Finish him with this! (Pulls something out of his pants and throws it down)  
  
Liquid: A bikini bottom?  
  
Kain: Wrong pocket! (Pulls something out of his other pocket and tosses it to Liquid)  
  
Liquid: (catches it) Impossible! It's the-  
Snake: Soul Reaver...  
  
Liquid: (grins triumphantly) Time to die, you blood sucking ballerina!  
  
Vamp: Not yet! (Flips behind Liquid) Die!  
  
Im slow-motion, Vamp swings his knife at Liquid, who ducks beneath it and cleaves him in half.  
  
Vamp: NOOOOOOOOO!! (body explodes into a hundred, disgusting, small pieces)  
  
Liquid: Now that's Metal Gear!! Here you go! (Tosses the Reaver back up)  
  
Kain: Good! (Tries to catch it, but it goes right into his shoulder) Umah?  
  
Umah: Yeah Kain?  
  
Kain: Call Raziel.  
  
Liquid: Oops. (Runs back into the room)  
  
Fox: Frak all! (Runs into the room)  
  
Snake: Sorry about that, he get's hyper.  
  
Raiden: (in the car) Shut up! I'm trying to- (Olga's dead body lands on the pavement next to the car) Olga! Are you going to hug daddy too?  
  
Olga: (dead)  
  
Raiden: Fine, be that way you semi decayed corpse!  
  
The next morning  
  
Fox: (in the car) I feel like a fresh breeze, how about you guys?  
  
Snake: I smell like a corpse.  
  
Liquid: I think I killed Kain. And My hair is full of Olga's blood. It's like I dyed it red!  
  
Fox: Shut up red-head.  
  
Raiden: Olga wouldn't talk to me all night!  
  
Fox: That's a good thing.  
  
Olga: (dead)  
  
Fox: Someone wanna tell me why that Fox wannabe is in my car?  
  
Raiden: She looked cold.  
  
Snake: She's been dead for six months.  
  
Raiden: That's not true!  
  
Liquid: Yeah it is, Jack Off.  
  
Raiden: I thought you stopped calling me that!  
  
All: Shut up, Jack Off!  
  
Raiden: I'm gonna tell the police you molested me!  
  
Fox: Do that and the police'll molest you!  
  
Raiden: Really?  
  
Snake: Yeah, and it wont be nice like the time Vamp did it on the Big Shell.  
  
Raiden: He told me he loved me...  
  
Fox: They'll do that. Oh, and guys?  
  
Snake: (pops in another Lucky Striker) Yeah?  
  
Liquid: (pops in another Shirley Temples Cremated Corpse) What is it?  
  
Fox: We've been parked in front of his house for fifteen minutes.  
  
Snake: We're in Hollywood?  
  
Liquid: For about an hour and a half.  
  
Raiden: Wood. Hee hee!  
  
Snake: What's so funny?  
  
Raiden: Rose said she liked my wood. Wanna see it?  
Liquid: Ah Hell. (Jumps out)  
  
Snake: Save it. (jumps out)  
  
Raiden: It's in danger?  
  
Fox: It will be if you pop it out! (Jumps out of the car)  
  
Raiden: Let's go hug dad! (Runs after them)  
  
The four make it to the front door. Fox knocks.  
  
Solidus: Whose there?  
  
Snake: Not me, Liquid, Fox or Jack Off.  
  
Solidus: Good, I heard they were in the neighborhood. (Opens the door) Oh my God, it's you, Liquid, Fox and Jack Off!  
  
Fox: Where's our royalties!?  
  
Solidus: Up your fraking butt!  
  
Liquid: Kick his arse!  
  
Solidus: No way! (Throws his katana blindly, and it impales some random guy. In the balls!!) Whoops!  
  
Snake: (grabs his nuts) Ooh, Jesus! Poor guy must be in agony!  
  
Poor Guy: (insanely high pitched voice) Help me, I'm in agony!!  
  
Fox: (grimacing) Sorry, wish I could.  
  
Solidus: Raven, Mantis! Kill!  
  
Raven and Mantis come through doggy doors, panting and growling. As soon as they see who it is, they straighten up.  
  
Mantis: Hey boss.  
  
Liquid: It's good to see you found a job. Pity that you're a guard b***h.  
  
Raven: WE SHALL KILL YOU FOR DOGGY TREATS!!   
Fox: Nice try! (Pulls the katana out of the guy's nuts) But you don't got a chance in the Frak House!!  
  
Raven: WE SHALL SEE. (Fires his vulcan gun at Fox)  
  
Fox: (blocks them all) Ooh, look at me, I'm dead! You fraking loser, fight like a warrior!  
  
Raven: (drops his weapon) I SHALL GNAW ON YOU'RE BONES. (Charges Fox)  
  
Fox: HA! (Flips onto his head then kicks off)  
  
Raven: I SHALL CRUSH YOU LIKE A WORM! (Tries to do it again)  
  
Fox: (does his 'super punch') Die!  
  
Raven: (holding onto his balls) I FEEL PAIN. (Passes out, then a bunch of ravens strip his bones clean)  
  
Fox: Eww...  
  
Author's Note: If you punch a guy in the nuts in Sons Of Liberty, he'll clutch them and passes out. Really, get him into a hold up and *wham*.  
  
Mantis: (to Raiden) You doubt my power?!  
  
Raiden: Powers? (Slices him)  
  
Mantis: NOO! He's so stupid I cant read his mind! He isn't even thinking. Wait... (reads as hard as he can) Pudding..? He's so stupid!!  
  
Raiden: Are you coming on to me?  
  
Fox: Do what I told you!  
  
Raiden: Don't touch me there! (Slices his balls)  
  
Mantis: NOOO!! (goes flying for some reason, and hits the ground. Dead)  
  
Solidus: Crud.  
  
Snake: You and me!  
  
Liquid: Can I fight him?  
  
Snake: NO!!! You got Vamp.  
  
Solidus: You can't beat me, for I am a part of... (does a frakin gay dance and finishes with a stupid pose) The Patriots!!  
  
Snake: I'm fighting the Ginyu Force...  
  
Solidus: HA! (Round house kicks)  
  
Snake: (ducks it an gives a 1-2 punch in the gut) Take that.  
  
Solidus: GRYYAA! (Slices the Lucky Striker in half)  
  
Snake: (eyes go bloodshot, muscles ripple, he growls fiercely like a demon) I'll kill you for that... HA!!! (uppercuts Solidus into the ceiling) Die, you bastard! (Jumps straight up, catches onto Solidus and knees him in the gut, then he drags him back to the ground)  
  
Solidus: (stands up and coughs out blood) Nice one, but this is where it gets interesting! (Slams both tentacles into Snake's sides)  
  
Snake: (screams, then grabs them. The both pull, but in the end, Snake tears them off) HHYYAAAA!!!   
  
Solidus: (dashes away, then straight back at Snake, using the boosters on his heels) Time to die!  
  
Snake: (side steps and clotheslines his brother) Dip-dip!  
  
Solidus: (flips up, and swing at Snake) What's wrong with you?  
  
Snake: (ducks, then fast draws his USP and shoots him in the gut) Teach you to ruin a good smoke!  
  
Solidus: (staggers back, then outstretches his hand, and falls into his pool) Haah...  
  
Snake: Now!  
  
Liquid: Time to swim in... (pulls out a thermos) Liquidate soup!! (pours it in, and the water starts to boil, and turns a radioactive green)  
  
Raiden: Can I hug daddy now?  
  
Fox: Go for it.  
  
Raiden: Yippee! (Jumps in the pool, then bounces out, his butt on fire) AAAAHH!!! MY BOTTOM BURNS LIKE BUTT IN FIRE!!  
Liquid: Let's go home.  
  
Home. Fast, eh?  
  
Naomi: For looting 150 000 bucks from Solidus, here's your stuff back. (Hand a big bucket of weed back over)  
  
Fox: To celebrate, everyone gets some!  
  
All: Hell yeah!  
  
5min later  
  
Fox: That hit the spot!  
  
Meryl: I can't believe he got so high he ate a doobie!  
  
Snake: Hey guys!  
  
Liquid: (holding two Liquid Snake action figures face to face) Yeah?  
  
Fox: (spits up the paper) Cool! Huh?  
  
Naomi: (making out with a picture of Snake) What?  
  
Meryl: (trying to eat a doobie like Fox) What does Lord Doobie Bottom want?  
  
Raiden: (sitting on a pack of anti radioactive ice) This hurts more then when Vamp... huh?  
  
Snake: How about we all pass out, onto the same couch!  
  
All: Hell yeah!  
  
Snake: Three, two, one, pass out!   
  
Everyone: (passes out onto the same couch, except Raiden, who gets back up and passes out onto Sanke)  
  
Fin of chapter 2  
  
Seriously now, send a review. Tell me what you want me to do. Its more fun and (hopefully) funnier. Oh, read Enfant Terribles if you already haven't.  
  
Tank you Stefanie, James, Blackraven, Sephira Strife and Akai Yuki.  
As usual: Screw X-Box, long live Hideo Kojima!!  
  
[insert theme: The Best is Yet to Come] 


	3. Fox's date

Disclaimer: I have returned, with nothing. Actually I got a lot of stolen characters, so most of 'em belong to Konami. The storm trooper thing was Lucas and Kain is activision. Umah is eidos. I might even throw in a few more stolen characters.  
  
You had better review this! (Shakes a fist) Or I'll get mad! Thank you once again, Sephira Strife (I'm Canadian to, except I live in Ontario) Akai Yuki, Stefanie, and Blackraven. Vanilla coke and The song that never ends dudes, thanks. It's appreciated. Review my serious fic, too.  
  
Chapter 3: Fox's date  
  
FOXHOUND HQ. Yes, its still the bloody cigaret factory.  
  
As usual, Snake is smoking a Lucky Striker. He is also in a recliner, waiting for Fox to finally shut up. He's going on a blind date. Liquid is as pissed as Snake, who is jealous. Meryl is pissed because Snake doesn't notice her. Naomi is being happy for Fox. Raiden doesn't understand what a date is.   
  
Snake: Stupid, lucky, sexy Fox!  
  
Liquid: It can go horribly wrong you know.  
  
Meryl: Explain.  
  
Liquid: It could be a guy, or even a Patriot!  
  
Fox: (suddenly calm) It could be that bi ballerina, Vamp!!  
  
Liquid: If he could pull all of his pieces back together after I Soul Reavered him!  
  
Suddenly the door opens on itself, and Psycho Mantis floats in.  
  
Mantis: You fools, I shall have my revenge!  
  
Fox: YOU'RE MY FRAKING DATE?!  
  
Liquid: Just like I said.  
  
Snake: Remind me never to go on a blind date.  
  
Meryl: You already have someone to date.  
  
Snake: Naomi?! Going out with you're best friend's sister is not cool.  
  
Meryl: ARG!! (so mad she tears the arm off the couch)  
  
Mantis: Date, what the Hell are you talking about? I'm here to kick you're asses!  
  
Raiden: (gets up from behind the couch) Hi mister bug guy!  
  
Mantis: (terrified) NOO!! (grabs his balls as a reflex)  
  
Fox: (relieved like heck) How did you survive that? Any sane man would of ended it right there!  
  
Mantis: That freaky gayboy may have cut one of the pleasure pearls in half, but that wont stop me! Wanna see?  
  
Fox: NO!  
  
Meryl: Don't even think about!  
  
Snake: Do that, and me and Liquid are gonna have two new ashtrays, each.  
  
Liquid: I her you feel their pain after you sever them.  
  
Raiden: Yeah! Show 'em to the group, be proud to be proud!  
  
Mantis: Not too swift, is he?  
  
Naomi: No, he is not. I agree with Snake though, whip them out and lose them.  
  
Mantis: Just asking! Now, prepare for battle!   
  
Fox: No can do, my date's today, and I don't want to be bruised or bloodied.  
  
Snake: Just smoked a whole pack, my LIFE is too low.  
  
Liquid: I don't want to lose a good smoke. (Lights up another Shirley)  
  
Mantis: Then I'll take you on!  
  
Meryl: Sorry, gotta ogle Snake.  
  
Raiden: You're not coming on to me, so I don't wanna fight. Did you hug daddy?  
  
Naomi: Don't even look at me, I couldn't fight if it would eradicate all illness in the world.  
  
Mantis: Oh. Well Solidus fired me for losing to you guys, so can I hang here?  
  
Snake: Go for it.  
  
Liquid: Fine, but no snoring or reading our minds while we watch naked news. That's Mei-Ling time!  
  
Meryl: If Snake says it's good, you can stay as long as you want.  
  
Raiden: You can share a room with me, guy. But no rubbing against me like that crazy Ivan guy.  
  
Liquid: General Ivan? That's Ocelot.  
  
Mantis: He sleeps with Ocelot?!  
  
Liquid: Once.  
  
Fox: Do as you wish, but you gotta help me pick out a suit for my date.  
  
Naomi: I don't see a problem. Welcome aboard.  
  
Voice: NO! Guys, don't do it!  
  
Snake: Otacon?  
  
Fox: Look who's alive.  
  
Liquid: Where the Hell have you been for the last two chapters?!  
  
Otacon: I was in intensive care!  
  
Meryl: For six months! That time had passed by the time the first chapter started!  
  
Snake: For lying to us by using Mei-Ling, we're going to have to hurt you.  
  
Otacon: No! Listen to me!  
  
Mantis: Tough luck, optometrist! (Uses his psychic powers to smash Otacon across the house, through doors and into the driveway so bad he has to spend at least another six months in intensive care) Done and done!  
  
Fox: Nice one! You're now officially a member of-  
  
All: Unit FOXHOUND!!  
  
Snake: Let's get drunk!  
  
Fox: Yeah- frak! I can't, I have a damn date!  
  
Liquid: You'll always be in our thoughts!  
  
All of them bolt for the door, but a sniper bullet knocks snake into the rest of them. They fall down like dominoes.  
  
Kurd Voice: Who goes by the name: Foxyguy@hotmail.com?  
  
Fox: Me!  
  
Kurd Voice: Step out where I can see you.  
  
Fox does as he is told, and steps out of the house into the cold Alaskan blizzard.  
  
Kurd Voice: Then I'm your date. I am Sniper Wolf!  
  
Author's Note: I was getting around to it, Red Snow.  
  
Fox: (checks her out) SWEET!   
  
Liquid: Wolf?  
  
Wolf: Liquid!! What the Hell are you doing here!?  
  
Liquid: If you must know, I live here.  
  
Snake: Me too, ya dog ho!  
  
Fox: (punches Snake in the shoulder) Hey! That's my date.  
  
Meryl: You're that Sniper who shot me!  
  
Wolf: If I knew I was going to live, I wouldn't have done it!  
  
Meryl: Good enough.  
  
Naomi: Hey Christie.  
  
Wolf: Hey Naomi. You know Fox?  
  
Naomi: He's my brother.  
  
Fox: So where are we of to first?  
  
Voice: Hell!  
  
Fox: Oh poopie.  
  
Solidus Snake is riding Metal Gear RAY. He's apparently angry to have been bathed in... the Liquidate soup! And they robbed him $150 000.  
  
Solidus: I'll grind you into ash!  
  
Fox: How the Hell did you sneak up on us?!  
  
Solidus: Sephiroth_02_01@hotmail.com is a sick freak!  
  
Author's Note: That's Ryan's e-mail. Mine's evil_1_10@hotmail.com don't e-mail, review. Please.  
  
Wolf: You think you can ruin my date?!  
  
Fox: Stand back. These fights are always 1on1.  
  
Meryl: But I want a turn!  
  
Mantis: Hate to point this out, but you got to fight once in the game. This guy massacred them.  
  
Fox: Yeah, and a RAY is nothing compared to a REX.  
  
Snake: Who dares, wins.  
  
Liquid: I thought you said 'screw the wisdom'?  
  
Snake: I meant to say 'screw you, and get off my back' Liquid.  
  
Liquid: Fair enough.  
  
Fox: Snake!  
  
Snake: Catch! (Tosses him his plasma gun 'REX Buster')  
  
Solidus: DIE!! (fires the machine gun)  
  
Fox: Hoyeah! (Deflects it all with the katana he stole from Solidus) Try this! (Un-equips the katana and equips the plasma gun) Burn! (Fires it off)  
  
Solidus: Ha! I hardly even felt that!   
  
Fox: What the Hell?  
  
Snake: You have to shoot his knee first!  
  
Solidus: Never! (Jumps the thing straight at Fox)  
  
Wolf: Fox!  
  
Fox: Damn! (Pulls some ninja moves and gets outta there)   
  
Solidus: I'll slice you in half! (Fires off the hydro cutter)  
  
Fox: Damn laser! (Flips out of the way, then shoots Solidus' exposed cockpit) Try that!  
  
Solidus: Why you little! I'll kill you! (Fires off the knee rockets)  
  
Fox: Bail! (Leaps between them, but gets hit by the shockwave) Arg!  
  
Solidus: Ha! (Tries to stomp on Fox)  
  
Fox: Hurt me more! (Flips out of the way and shoots him in the knee)  
  
Solidus: Damn!  
  
Fox: A cornered fox is more dangerous than a Manta Ray! (Fires into the face)  
  
Solidus: Nice shot! (Leaps away and fires the missiles on its back)  
  
Fox: More! More! (Charges Solidus, firing for the face. The missiles explode behind him)  
  
Solidus: I'll send you back to Hell! (Fires the hydro cutter again)  
  
Fox: HHAAA!! (jumps onto the head and back flips off, confusing Solidus, then he shoots it in the knee) I'm gonna kill you '98 style!  
  
Solidus: Just try and shoot!  
  
Fox: (fires into the face)   
  
Solidus: Damn! NOO! (Staggers back, and fires off the machine gun)  
  
Fox: HA! (Flips over it, then backwards to dodge it again) (aims straight for the face) Game over. (Fires)  
  
Solidus: NO! (RAY starts to explode, so he jumps out) Good work, but now it's time to play! GGRRAAHH!! (grows big muscles) Die! (Slices overhead)  
  
Fox: Ha! (Block it) Take this! (Does a spinning strike)  
  
Solidus: Oh yeah? (Blocks it) How 'bout one of these? (Roundhouses Fox in the face)  
  
Fox: (flips up) Nice one! Now, make me feel it! Make me feel alive again!! (Does Raiden's axial-torso)  
  
Solidus: HYA!! (swings for Fox, but it goes under him)  
  
Fox: Pathetic! (Slices his back)  
  
Solidus: Damn! (Tries another roundhouse)  
  
Fox: (back flips with the kick) Is that the best you can do?  
  
Solidus: Take this! (Clutches the new tentacles and fires off a few rockets)  
  
Fox: (flips all over the driveway) The old Solidus Snake would never depend on such a weapon!  
  
Solidus: This is where it gets interesting! GGRRYYAA!! (throws off the tentacles) Die. (Dashes around like a madman, then comes straight at Fox, and bunches hi right in the face)  
  
Fox: (kneeling down) I remember. That punch. (Gets up and starts to walk calmly for Solidus)  
  
Solidus: What's wrong with you? (Dashes around again, then lunges at Fox, katana first)  
  
Fox: (teleports behind him and gives him his 'super punch') Pathetic.  
  
Solidus :(looks down at the dent in his armor) Ha. (Throws back his head) HAHAHAHAHA! Do you really think you can win by punching me?!  
  
Fox: (drops his katana) We shall see. (Continues to walk for Solidus)  
  
Solidus: Die! (Runs normally for Fox, then swings around and roundhouses)  
  
Fox: (ducks it) Nice try!   
  
Everything seems to go in slow motion, as Gray Fox gives his best uppercut. It connects solidly with Solidus' jaw. He soars through the air and recovers in mid flight, throwing out his hand and performing a handspring. He lands on his feet, and turns to see Fox leaping toward him. He strikes out with four fierce kicks to his foes torso.  
  
Solidus hits the ground hard, and coughs up a mist of red. He raises shakily to his feet, then brings his blade toward Fox in great arcs. Once, twice, thrice he misses, before feeling what could have been solid steel connect with his cheek. His face contorts around it, before he feels himself being taken from the ground, only to connect with it once more.  
  
Fox: Pathetic... You cannot be a son of Big Boss. (Uses the force to summon his sword once more) Now die.  
  
Solidus: Take this! (Lunges at him, trying to impale him)  
  
Fox: End game. (Runs Solidus through in slow motion)  
  
Solidus: (staggers away) You will never defeat the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo!  
  
Fox: The what?!  
  
Snake: The Patriots.  
  
Fox: I don't play football.  
  
Solidus: The secret organization with the twelve wise men's committee!  
  
Fox: Oh, them. Don't worry, we'll kill them for you.  
  
Solidus: No! They'll kill you for me!  
  
Fox: Fine, be that way!  
  
Solidus: (pulls out the katana) We shall meet again, in the next chapter!  
  
Mantis: I'm betting.  
  
Solidus: Stay the Hell out of my head!  
  
Liquid: Make him, you no royalties giving freak brother!  
  
Meryl: Yeah, I did not sleep with Snake in Shadow Moses!  
  
Solidus: The movie would've sucked if you didn't get to see Brittany Spears naked!  
  
Snake: True, but for God's sake, I was James Bond!  
  
Fox: I was Lance Bass!! He's Sephiroth!  
  
Solidus: Yeah? And Psycho Mantis was Lance Bass' stunt double!  
  
Mantis: (never saw the movie, so now he's pissed) You know, Hollywood's a long way from here. Allow me to give you a lift! (Uses psychokinesis to throw him all the way home)  
Solidus's Voice on the wind: Frak asses!  
  
Fox: Nice one, man!  
  
Snake: Cool, lets all celebrate by getting drunk, like we were gonna.  
  
Fox: Sounds good.  
  
Wolf: Ahem.  
  
Fox: Actually I'm gonna take Wolf for a night on the town.  
  
Wolf: Damn right you are.  
  
Fox: See you guys later.  
  
Naomi: Use protection.  
  
Wolf: Oh, he will.  
  
Fox: (mouths) Oh God yes!  
  
Meryl: Have fun!  
  
Liquid: Try and tape it, if you can.  
  
Wolf: Now!  
  
All: (hasty good-byes)  
  
Wolf: Now, where are we going to first?  
  
Fox: Well we can...  
  
The two walk off, leaving one man laying on the ground.  
  
Otacon: Help? Anyone?  
  
With Wolf and Fox.  
  
Wolf: Are you sure this is a good idea?  
  
Fox: He called you a ho, yes?  
  
Wolf: Well, yeah.  
  
Fox: Then it must be done.  
  
They walk into a convenience store  
  
Fox: Hey, you!  
  
Clerk: Huh? Oh, its that skank again. Who's this, your pimp?  
  
Fox: On the count of eat shitgun. Eat shitgun!!  
  
Wolf and Fox fire, completely covering the hapless young man with a foul mouth with darts  
  
Clerk: Hey! What the Hell?!  
  
Fox: (ominously) See you in Hell, shitboy.  
  
The two walk out, leaving the kid confused, until-  
  
Clerk: My stomach! Oh god! (Runs out of the store to the nearest trash can and suffers the effects of the gun)  
  
Wolf: HAHAHA! That poor little bastard never knew what hit him!  
  
Fox: Now for the date. Okay, first off, kill the mayor, then we hunt down some inuit.  
  
Wolf: Right.  
  
At the mayor's office, 5min later.  
  
Mayor: (coincidently Fatman) Damn those stupid FOXHOUND, they cost me $20 000 in damages, on the same grocery store!  
  
Suddenly two rounds come through the window behind him and kill the security.  
  
Mayor: What the Hell? (Walks around to inspect the window) That gonna cost at least $50! Who the Hell- (suddenly sees Fox and Wolf with sniper rifles, Fox is waving) Oh crud.  
  
A few more shots hit him full in the chest, but because he's so fat it just knocks him over.  
  
Mayor: Ha! You can't kill me like that! (Two rounds hit him in the head, splattering his brains everywhere) Oh no! (Looks down at the carpet) Now I gotta get it cleaned! (Dies)  
  
5min later, in a regional Eskimo get together.  
Head Inuit: First order of business, our dead brother Raven. Anyone who thinks we should comfort his family, raise their right hand.  
  
All: (raise their hand, except for two)  
  
Head Inuit: You're not Native!  
  
Fox: No, but pretty soon none of you will be either!  
  
Fox and Wolf pull out flamethrowers.  
  
Wolf: Burn baby!  
  
The two ignite everyone there, and keep doing so until they're nothing but ash.  
  
Fox: Oh, I'm gonna sleep easy tonight.  
  
Wolf: (grins) No you wont.  
  
Fox: (grinning ear to ear) Oh, I'm gonna love this chapter.  
  
Author: No NC-17  
  
Fox: Damn!  
  
Author: But it will happen behind the seen's.  
  
Fox: Oh, yessss!!  
  
Back with Snake and the gang.  
  
Snake: So he said: I am you're father. And I said: No u ain't. So he says: Yes I am! And I'm all like: Cool, I love you Big Boss!  
  
Meryl: And then?  
  
Snake: I killed him.  
  
Meryl: You killed your own dad?!  
  
Snake: Yeah, but you never know, Mike is sick! He could bring him back at any time!  
  
Naomi: But he won't appear until chapter 7.  
  
Liquid: But he didn't say that about Ryan!  
  
Naomi: Yeah he did.  
  
Liquid: Oh. Wanna have sex?  
  
Naomi: (maces him)  
  
Liquid: My eyes!  
  
Mantis: And when I read her mind, it was all like, I wanna suck Sanke!  
  
Raiden: Who the Hell is Sanke?  
  
Mantis: I meant Snake and you know it!  
  
Raiden: Know what?  
  
Mantis: That I meant Snake.  
  
Raiden: When?  
  
Mantis: Oh shut up, Jack Off.  
  
Raiden: I'm Jack Off.  
  
Mantis: I know that!  
  
Raiden: Then why did you call me Jack Off?  
  
Mantis: (clutches his head in pain) His stupidity is so strong he forced it into my head!  
  
Liquid: Yeah, he does that a lot.   
  
Fox: (runs into the bar) I'm not a virgin anymore!   
  
Snake: God, my eyes! (Falls off the bar stool)  
  
Naomi: Frankie, you're running around naked again!  
  
Fox: I thought it felt drafty.  
  
Meryl: Just go back and put some pants on.  
  
Fox: Sounds like a plan. (Walks into an Alaskan Blizzard bare butt)  
Fin  
  
Author's Notes: I couldn't go on without a fight scene! Review and tell me who should fight Solidus next chapter!  
  
Oh, should I bring back the quote of the chapter system? Thanks for the reviews, Stefanie, Blackraven, Akai Yuki, Sephira Strife and the other two anonymous dudes. Send suggestions. Characters you want in, characters you want dead, resurrected etc.   
  
Oh, will put in you're suggestions, only if they fit my plot. Thank you, and adieu.  
  
Screw X-Box! Long live Hideo Kojima! 


	4. Father and Son, Solidus' departure

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic. Are you as scared as me?  
  
I got two reviews since chapter 3, and I have no idea who it is until it pops up on the review page. You people are like my family. If I can figure it out by the end of the fic, I'll give special thanks. Working on two fics in the same day, haven't done that since the 2nd ad 3rd chapter of my first one. Anyway, you people ROCK! Oh crap, I just remembered I wanted you to pick who fights Solidus. I'll give you an hour. Just saw it. Here goes... Damn! False alarm. This is going to take long... I wanna write! Hurryhurryhurryhurryhurryhurry! Man, I am so hyper! My ideas are pretty twisted, huh? Well this one is going to be at least twice as long as the last fic. Thinking title for chapter... 150 words exactly, cool. Title... I have it! Sephira Strife, you're the man! Or woman... I mean... Onto the fic!  
  
Ryan's voice: Dumbass.  
  
Chapter 4: Father and son, the departure of Solidus Snake  
  
Quote of the chapter: You idiot! I'm 2D!  
  
FOXHOUND HQ. If you haven't figured out it was a cigaret factory yet you outta... keep reading?  
  
Snake is still in the recliner, smoking as usual. Fox and Wolf are sitting on the love seat. Fox is being smug, and it's pissing the Hell out of the Snake brothers. Naomi is trying to call her old boyfriends to get a date. Raiden and Mantis are playing checkers and Liquid is cheating to help Mantis. He needs it. And Meryl is ogling Snake. Still.  
  
Mantis: Here! (Takes off one of Raiden's pieces) Ha!  
  
Raiden: Alright, I'll kill... this one! (Jumps one and takes it off)  
  
Liquid: Oh my God...  
  
Mantis: That's your own piece you idiot!   
  
Raiden: I made my choice, keep playing or I'll split thee pearls.  
  
Mantis: (mumbling) Medieval talking Jack Off...  
  
Liquid: Either you're a strategic genius, or you're an idiot.  
  
Raiden: Heehee, I love it when you and Snake talk funny!  
  
Liquid: I hate this guy...  
  
Raiden: Who?  
  
Fox: And we're gonna get married and have a kid and everything, right?  
Wolf: Of course, FoxyGuy. (Not a typo)  
  
Fox: We had better, or ShadowSlayer's gonna shoot someone in the knee.  
  
Snake: Lucky, sexy best friend of mine!  
  
Meryl: You know, I think you're plenty sexy.  
  
Snake: Thanks for trying, but you aren't gonna be able to cheer me up.  
  
Meryl: God dammit! (Punches Liquid out)  
  
Liquid: (out of it) Oui, oui... Sephira Strife m'aime pas...  
  
Snake: Wouldn't that be: Non, non aulieu que oui, oui?  
  
Liquid: Big Boss never hugged me...  
  
Snake: (lights up another Striker) Least he never tried to kill you.  
  
Fox: He always liked me just fine. Let me lead Zanzibar. Always called me Dave though.  
  
Wolf: What is you're name anyway?  
  
Fox: Frank Jaeger.  
  
Wolf: The guy who was crowned porno king of '97?  
  
Fox: ... no?  
  
Wolf: (sighs) I thought you were a pervert for a second.(hugs him)  
  
Fox: (snaps his fingers to get Snake's attention, then raps his knuckles off the coffee table in morse code. He says, hide my Naked News tapes)  
  
Snake: (nods, then walks off)  
  
Meryl: Can I help?  
  
Snake and Fox: NO!  
  
Meryl: (feeling left out) Alright...  
  
Mantis: ARG!! (flips the board) How the Hell did you win?! Most of the time you were committing suicide!   
  
Raiden: Com... mit? What is that, Rose tries to get me to do it all the time. Once she left a letter on my pillow that said: Propose to me, you goddamn Jack Off.  
  
Liquid: You are an idiot, aren't you?  
  
Raiden: Huh? (Staring at a moth flying around the room)  
  
Liquid: Damn...  
  
The uni-codec goes off  
  
Snake: That brings back memories.  
  
Fox: Wazzup?  
  
Liquid: Watcha want?  
  
Raiden: Something in my ear went bing.  
  
Bush: Is that all of you?  
  
Snake: A if it is?  
  
Bush: What happened to the young ones?  
  
Fox: They died 8 months ago.  
  
Bush: Oh, I was wondering why that guy thanked me for the raise.  
  
Liquid: The message?  
  
Bush: A group of Metal Gear RAYs have attacked the White House.  
  
Snake: Where the Hell are you?  
  
Bush: In my office.  
  
Liquid: I see.  
  
Bush: They wanted something like a trillion dollars and the body of Big Boss.  
  
Fox: How long ago?  
  
Bush: About a half hour.  
  
Raiden: They have halves of hours?!  
  
Snake: And they haven't gotten in yet?!  
  
Bush: They keep asking me to open the door, but they don't seem to want to force it open.  
  
Liquid: How much time did they give you to respond to the demands?  
  
Bush: None, yet. But they gave me 36 hours to open the door, then they'll kick it open.  
  
Fox: These guys don't know what they're doing, do they?  
  
Bush: No.  
  
Snake: Alright, we'll take the bus.  
  
Bush: I could talk them into giving me a week.  
  
Liquid: That's alright.  
  
Fox: See you tomorrow.  
  
Codec off.  
  
Wolf: Who was that?  
  
Raiden: I don't know.  
  
Fox: The President.  
  
Wolf: Jean Paul XXIII?  
  
Liquid: Yes, Jean Paul- NO!! HE'S THE DAMN POPE!! It was George Bush.  
  
Mantis: And?  
  
Snake: We have 36 hours or they'll kick the door down. Then, they'll give a time limit on the demand.  
  
Meryl: What's the demand?  
  
Fox: A trillion dollars and Big Boss' body.  
  
Naomi: What the Hell costs a trillion dollars?!  
  
Fox: Playstation4.   
  
Author's Note: Please note that it's still 2009.  
  
Mantis: Then we must stop them.  
  
Fox: No duh.  
  
Wolf: When are we leaving?  
  
Snake: We'll take the bus tomorrow.  
  
Meryl: You realize that we have to cross Canada?  
  
Liquid: For making us look like idiots, you aren't coming.  
  
Meryl: What?!  
  
Snake: Good reasoning.  
  
Fox: I like Liquid's idea.  
  
Liquid: (impersonating Raiden) Me too.  
  
Raiden: Dudes! I just heard me talking, but me wasn't talking!  
  
Meryl: Screw you guys!!  
  
Voice: Mind if I tag along?  
  
Snake: It can't be!  
  
Liquid: But Vamp..!  
  
Meryl: The tanker...  
  
Fox: You died!  
  
Naomi: Oh my God...  
  
Raiden: Hi Mike!  
  
Mike: Hey guys!  
Meryl: You're alive! (Runs up and hugs him)  
  
Mike: Woah! Actual physical contact with Meryl!  
  
Snake: How the Hell..?  
  
Fox: How'd you get out?!  
  
Liquid: Are you hurt?  
  
Mike: I got out easy enough. Their idea was: Resurrect him, let him walk around, and then brainwash him. Not a good plan I say. And Liquid... did you just act like you cared?  
  
Liquid: Hey, a jerk I may be, but I'm not a bastard!  
  
Raiden: Hi Mike!  
  
Mike: I see you, Raiden.  
  
Mantis: Him being here is a good thing?  
  
Wolf: Really.  
  
Naomi: This guy's the Author!  
  
Mantis: (eyes go wide) You're one of those guys that put themselves in the fic!  
  
Mike: A lot of people do that!  
  
Fox: What happened to Ryan?  
  
Mike: (turns his head away) Not a happy topic. He didn't make it. They tried to make him first. Wasn't as good as they thought it would be. Anyway, we gotta save Bush!  
  
Snake: That's the plan.  
  
Mike: We'd better leave than, I don't think that they'll actually wuss out!  
  
Liquid: Right.  
  
Meryl: Can I please come?  
  
Mike, Snake, Liquid, Fox, Wolf, Raiden, Mantis: Hell no!  
  
In a motel on the way there.  
  
Snake: So he cut's my smoke in half, and I just go nuts! I kick the guy's ass so bad he started yelling like a madman!  
  
Mike: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What a loser!  
  
Fox: Then he tries to ruin my date, and I kicked his ass barehanded!  
  
Mike: Remember all those gay clones in chapter 4?   
  
Snake: I pulled off his bandana and he exploded!  
  
Mike: And remember Papes?! That guy was even gayer! It's like: I can't talk on my own, and I get my head ripped off by a cat!  
  
Raiden: And then he started moving around without his body!  
  
Liquid: I remember that!! That was so dumb!  
  
Mike: I know! 'Let's call him No Papes!' What the Hell was he smoking?!  
  
Snake: And the way he beat his first clone?! 'Hey Gecko, I cut my balls off!' HAHAHA!!  
  
Neighbor: Shut up in there, Willya?  
  
Mike: Blow me, ya poofter!  
  
Mantis: Oh, he's so pissed!  
  
Guy: That's it! (Opens their door) Oh crap!  
  
Snake: Johnny Sasaki!  
  
Mike: How's that diarrhea?  
  
Johnny: I think it stopped.  
  
Fox: Really?  
  
Snake: Eat shitgun!  
  
All: (fire on him with a shitgun)  
  
Johnny: Oh, my stomach! Not again! (Runs off holding his butt. Again)  
Mike: Man, that guy is a wuss!  
  
Fox: We'd better get some sleep. We gotta save the President tomorrow.  
  
Snake: Alright...  
  
Mike: Buzz kill.  
  
Wolf: Good night, sweetie.  
  
Mike: Sweetie?! What the Hell did I miss?  
  
Liquid: We'll tell you sometime.  
  
Raiden: We go shleepy cause it's shleepy time!  
  
All: Shut up, Jack Off!  
  
The next morning, the White House.  
  
Mike: Guess it's time.  
  
Snake: Yup. Gotta save Bush.  
  
Gecko(Mike): I meant the name swap.  
  
Snake: Oh.  
  
Gecko: NOW its time.  
  
Liquid: Let's do it!!  
  
A Metal Gear RAY steps forward. The cockpit opens and Solidus sticks his head out.  
  
Solidus: Brothers! What?! You?! But how?!  
  
Gecko: Trade secret.   
  
Liquid: Everyone pick a Metal Gear.  
  
Fox: Dibs on XT-55.  
  
Wolf: What?!  
  
Gecko: It's the Metal Gear Fox rode in Zanzibar.  
  
Fox: (suddenly in XT-55) Whoah! Sweet!  
  
Liquid: In that case... I want REX! (Suddenly in REX) Alright!  
  
Snake: All I need is a stinger! (A rocket lands next to him) ...and the Launcher. (Launcher lands next to it) Good enough. (Equips it)  
  
Mantis: I shall defeat you with the power of my mind alone!   
  
Gecko: Gimme a P90! (Solidus' gun lands next to him) I can take one down with this.  
  
Wolf: I want to be in a sniping location! (Suddenly on top of the White House)  
  
Raiden: I want what Snake got! (A copy of the stuff Snake got ands next to him) This should do. (Equips it) Enter Jack the Ripper!!  
  
Random RAY: (goes for XT-55, fires the machine gun, but misses because it's so thin) ?  
  
Fox: You idiot! I'm 2D! (Fires a nuke)   
  
Author's Note: The nuke is a normal weapon of Metal Gears when you fight Fox in MG2.  
  
RAY: (takes damage then fires missiles from it's back)  
  
Fox: Time to bail! (Jumps out)   
  
XT-55: (sets on fire and burns to ash. It's a nuke launching sheet of paper)  
  
Fox: (equips REX buster) Time to play! (Charges it and shoots the knee, then the exposed face)  
  
Gecko: Eat lead! (Fires off a whole clip, punching a bunch of holes into the face)  
  
RAY: (fires knee rockets after him)  
  
Gecko: Crud! (Darts forward to the left)  
  
RAY: (tries to step on him)  
  
Gecko: Frak! (Rolls away)  
  
Wolf: (shoots Gecko's RAY in the head. It hardly notices. She empties the entire magazine into it. Same effect) Arg! (Reaches for another clip)  
  
Gecko: (pulls out his M92F, Demon Smite) Eat some of this! (Fires off a dozen shots)  
  
RAY: (staggers a bit, then opens it's mouth to fire a hydro cutter, but is shot in the eye by Wolf. It topples and sets aflame)  
  
Gecko: Still alive. Always a good thing.  
  
Snake: (fires the one last time into his RAY's face)  
  
RAY: (head explodes)  
  
Raiden: Damn! (Fires into the head)  
  
Ray: (shrugs it off)  
  
Snake: (fires it into RAY's knee)  
  
Ray: (exposes his face)  
  
Raiden: (fires down it's throat)  
  
RAY: (head explodes)  
  
Raiden: Thanks Snake!  
  
RAY: (leaps in front of Raiden, and is about to stomp on him, when a pale blue beam pierces it's head) (head explodes)  
  
Fox: That's good!  
  
Mantis: (picks up a piece of a RAY, and slams it into the head of his own) Now do you doubt my power?!  
  
RAY: (fires straight at him)  
  
Mantis: (flips and floats around every shot) You are powerful indeed, but I know you're weak point. HA! (Forces the face open, then throw's a sharp piece of shrapnel down it's throat)  
  
RAY: (staggers, then tries to fire a hydro cutter, and blows it's own head open)  
  
Mantis: It was a good try, but I'm out of you're league.  
  
Liquid: Try some of this! (Uses the laser)  
  
RAY: (gets hit in both knees and collapses)  
Liquid: See!? You can't protect anyone, not even yourself. DIE! (Stomps on the head and crushes it)  
  
Gecko: Good job, all of you!  
  
Wolf: Thanks.  
  
Snake: It wasn't hard.  
  
Raiden: A little tough, mabye.  
  
Fox: Anyone could have done it.  
  
Liquid: (now out of REX) Simple.  
  
Mantis: Something's wrong! (A piece of rubble strikes him over the head, and knocks him out)  
  
Gecko: Because it all ends here.  
  
Snake: What?  
  
Fox: What the Hell did you do!?  
  
Gecko: Did you really think getting kicked off a railing was going to kill me?!  
  
Snake: No...  
  
Flashback  
  
Evil Mike charges his counterpart, who just gives him a spin kick to the head. He flies over the railing, screaming.   
  
"MEECHAN!!"  
  
Flashback  
  
Evil Gecko: I was to stage my own death, allowing you to proceed and finish Tigger!  
  
Author's Note: Sorry Blackraven. Soon... soon they will finally... return...  
  
Liquid: Why, she was in you're employ!  
  
Evil Gecko: Her mission was to kill you. And she opted to collapse the universe. You really think we wanted that? We would have perished as well.  
Fox: We?  
  
Evil Gecko: The Patriots!  
  
Wolf: So you were pretending to help us... but why?!  
  
Evil Gecko: We were to obtain Big Boss's body, and merge it with their DNA!  
  
Fox: So Ryan's alive.   
  
Evil Gecko: Yes. He'll make an appearance in the next chapter.  
  
Author's Note: I'm doing the best I can Raven, I gotta keep my main idea in.  
  
Snake: Vamp said chapter seven!  
  
Evil Gecko: Vamp can't read roman numerals!  
  
Liquid: Vamp ain't gonna be reading anything.  
  
Evil Gecko: Kain's appearance was most unexpected. It appears Mike had finally finished downloading Blood Omen, and played it 4 hours straight.   
  
Raiden: So, Mike isn't taken yet.  
  
Evil Gecko: Soon.  
  
Wolf: Why pretend to help us? Fighting us with a group of RAY's would've been easier.  
  
Evil Gecko: For one final showdown. Solidus has the President. He finally sobered up and kicked the door down. To get to him, you'll have to kill me.  
  
Snake: (draws out Nutcracker) We'll kill you.  
  
Liquid: (whips out his M93R) This ones for them!  
  
Fox: (aims with REX buster) You'll pay on their honor!  
  
Evil Gecko: Honor?  
  
Fox: I played Two Towers.  
  
Wolf: I'll put a bullet in you're eye. (Aims 'her' at the imposter)  
  
Raiden: I'll show you the wrath of Jack the Ripper!  
  
Evil Gecko: Come then!   
  
[second REX fight theme] (the one after Fox died)  
  
Snake: Die! (Fires off the entire clip)  
  
Evil Gecko: (casts a barrier that bounces them all away) LoK move. Effective.  
  
Fox: Burn! (Fires)  
  
Evil Gecko: (dodges the beam, because it shatters the barrier) Good boy, just like that!  
  
Mantis: (wakes up) No stealing my lines! (Causes the ground beneath Evil Gecko's feet to erupt into a geyser)  
  
Evil Gecko: (uses his powers to direct all of the boiling water around him)  
  
Snake: Did that do it?  
  
Evil Gecko: HA! (Forces it all at Mantis)  
  
Mantis: No! (Stops it all with his mind)  
  
Wolf: Try these! (Fires off rounds like a chain gun)  
  
Evil Gecko: (flips around them, then starts to float) You can't win.  
  
Liquid: (jumps off a wrecked piece of a RAY, and punches him in the face) Take that!  
  
Evil Gecko: Want a rematch, huh?  
  
Raiden: (jumps towards him and tries to decapitate him)  
  
Evil Gecko: (raises a hand)  
  
Raiden: Ahh! It feels like I'm being torn apart.  
  
Evil Gecko: Accepted. Metal Gear REX, now!  
  
Both: (magically on top of Liquid's REX)  
  
Evil Gecko: Not so fast. (Waves his hand, and one of those barriers from Devil May Cry blocks off the front door to the White House)  
Snake: Damn!  
  
Wolf: (tries to shoot him)  
  
Fox: (does the same thing as Wolf)  
  
Raiden: (gets used as a shield, then discarded) Oh God, I'm bleeding everywhere!  
  
Liquid: Have at you! (Roundhouses)  
  
Evil Gecko: (catches his leg and smashes him off the ground) I'm the Author, you have no power over me!  
  
Liquid: (hears a voice in his head. 'Get up, you're making me look good!') Mike? ('Now! I'll use all the will I have yet to limit his powers! Win!')  
  
Evil Gecko: And now you die! (Extends his hand and expects to levitate Liquid) What the Hell?!  
  
Liquid: (gets up) Time to fight!  
  
Liquid launches himself at the confused imposter. Using his momentum, he sends his fist into Evil Gecko. His foe flips off the ledge, but manages to catch the very edge and pulls himself up. Liquid gives him no time to recover, and buries his knee into the younger man's body.  
  
The youth clamps his arms around the leg, and drops onto his back, forcing Liquid to tumble to the floor. He takes advantage like Liquid had, and kicks him in the face, then stomps on his head. Or at least he tried. Liquid had rolled away, and as soon as his foot touched ground, the Snake lashed out and took his body from under him.  
  
Liquid rolls away, and springs up, preparing for another assault. It comes in the form of a roundhouse. Liquid catches it, and with visible satisfaction, slams the youth off REX's back as he had with him. But as he lifts a second time, the boy launches his body forward in his grasp, and sends his fist into the older man's nose. Liquid's head springs back, and then forward as he forces his forehead into his enemies nose.  
  
The boy dropped from his grip and rolls away, finally finding his feet, he can't help but grin, and wonder what a fight with the original would have been like. He loses that train of thought as he bends his torso back to dodge two vicious punches, but wasn't prepared for the toe kick that followed them. He was taken off his feet, leaving crimson mist in his wake. He feels his chest and realizes that Liquid just cracked a rib. The pain made him lose focus, but only for an instant.  
  
Liquid tries to take advantage of this, but the youth leaps toward him, his foot already extended in a vicious spinning kick. Liquid is once again greeted by the cold compound steel of REX's armored back. He rises to his feet and feels the blood flow down his chin. He pulls out his last resort, and rushes the kid, head first. The boy doubles over, and has his hand grabbed by Liquid, who pulls him toward him. Thee boy responds by throwing a hook, which hits nothing, then feels Liquid's knee in his stomach. Memories that are not his own flood back to him, how Mike beat Liquid the first time they met. He knows what's coming next.  
  
Liquid had the boy, and he knew it. He savored this one moment of peace, before he drove his elbow into the back of the boy's skull. It showed the wanted effect, the boy dropped like a stone, from the edge of REX. One last conscious thought comes before strikes the ground.  
  
"LIIIIIQUIIIID!!" The boy struck ground, his every bone broken, internal organs ruptured. He looks at his own body and sees a sharp chunk of shrapnel piercing him. His head lolled back, and he died.  
  
Snake: You did it, man!  
  
Wolf :Way to go!   
  
Fox: You're still the man!  
  
Raiden: (bandaged up) Alright, you killed him.  
  
Mantis: You beat the Author's dark side.  
  
Liquid: That's good and all... but how the Hell am I supposed to get down?!  
  
5min later, the group had gotten Liquid down, and burned what was at least a part of Mike in a funeral pyre.  
  
Snake: That takes care of the cremation.  
  
Liquid: Now it's Solidus' turn.  
  
All: Hell yeah.  
  
Liquid: 'Thanks Mike.'  
  
In Bush's office  
  
Solidus: Alright, you can give me the body now, the money next week!  
  
Bush: Still got it.  
  
Snake: (kicks open the door) Time to die, Solidus!  
  
Bush: You realize that the door wasn't locked.  
Fox: Who the Hell cares?!  
  
Solidus: He already caved to my demands.  
  
Wolf: Crap.  
  
Mantis: I'm feeling another presence in the room.  
  
Bush: Take the body. (Pushes a a stretcher to Solidus)  
  
Solidus: Thanks. (Pulls off the covers) He's not hear!  
  
The sound of a toilet flushing is in the backround, then the Presidential bathroom opens, and out walks-  
  
Big Boss: Sorry about that, what did I miss?  
  
Snake Brothers: Dad!  
  
Big Boss: What? Oh, hi Dave.  
  
Fox: Hey sir.  
  
Snake: I'm Dave!  
  
Big Boss: What? (Puts in his contacts) Oh dear.  
  
Snake: What do you mean, oh dear?  
  
Big Boss: I thought you helped me with Zanzibar, and that Fox was you!  
  
Both: What!?  
  
Big Boss: Ooh, that whole 'I am your father' thing must of been really confusung.  
  
Fox: Wait a second! I'm you're son!?  
  
Big Boss: Yeah!  
  
Liquid: Technically, every guy in the room except the he-she and the President are your sons.  
  
Big Boss: Who was your mother?  
  
Snake: The US goverment.  
Big Boss: I knocked up Uncle Sam?!  
  
Solidus: No! We're clones of you, Les Enfants Terribles!  
  
Big Boss: I need a drink.  
  
Solidus: Save it old man, I'm going to kill you for neglecting me! (Fires at him with a P90)  
  
Big Boss: Crud. (Runs around like a madman)  
  
Solidus: (runs out of ammo) Damn, I'm going to have to kill you with my bare hands! (Tries to punch him)  
  
Big Boss: (flips over him and roundhouses him) If you had a hard time with Fox, then I'm gonna kill you!  
  
Solidus: DIE! (Tries to smash him with the tentacles)  
  
Big Boss: (dodges them, then kicks him in the face)  
  
Solidus: GRYA!! (charges at him)  
  
Big Boss: (leaps over him, then spin kicks him in the back of the head)  
  
Solidus: (stumbles an falls) Damn!  
  
Big Boss: (picks up the P90 and slams in a new clip) Die.  
  
Solidus: No! Wait!  
  
Big Boss: Teach you to call me a bad dad. (Shoots him in the eye)  
  
Snake: You killed him dad!  
  
Fox: Way to go dad!  
  
Liquid: You the man, dad!  
  
Wolf: Nice moves!  
  
Mantis: You've been asleep for ten years, and he still couldn't beat you!  
  
Big Boss: The older you are, the better you fight. That's the way it is in my family!  
  
Raiden: Lets get drunk!  
  
All: Hell yeah!  
  
End  
  
Author's Note: Blackraven wanted Mike and Ryan back, so I'm introducing them next chapter, instead of chapter. It will be called: Even Bigger Shell Battle.   
  
Once again, give me ideas, suggestions, recommendations, whatever you want me to call it! Review!  
  
Screw X-Box, long live Hideo Kojima! 


	5. We'reback! Even Bigger Shell rumble

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic.  
  
Me and Ryan are back!  
  
Alright! Me and Ryan are together again! Also read his upcoming fic: Youth Adventures of Unit FOXHOUND!   
  
Sephira Strife, Akai Yuki, Stef, Sarah, thank the Hell out of you all for reviwing!  
  
Mike and Ryan are back! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!  
  
Quote of the chapter: Heeere's FOXY!!  
  
Chapter5: Even Bigger Shell rumble.  
  
Snake, Big Boss and Liquid are bonding. Fox and Wolf are making out. Meryl is ogling Snake while trying to have a conversation with Naomi. Mantis is once again playing checkers with Raiden.  
  
Snake: Come on dad! You never took us fishing, hunting, to a damn ball game even!  
  
Liquid: You owe it to us!  
  
Big Boss: Dave, you tried to kill me twice. James, you tried to cause a nuclear war and hold your own home ransom for a billion dollars. At least George made something out of himself!  
  
Liquid: Oh please.  
  
Meryl: I think Dave made a good life.  
  
Snake: Thanks Meryl. So what dad?! His life was a little better than ours!  
  
Big Boss: He was the damn President! Your brother got captured by Iraki's, and you became a tool of the government!  
  
Snake: Don't say that dad!  
  
Liquid: I became friends with them at least!  
  
Big Boss: Wow, you made friends with the guys that captured you! If only Frank could do that!  
  
Fox: (pulls his face off of Wolf's) Keep me outta this!  
  
Wolf: Yes! I will not allow anymore interruptions in our 'bonding time'! (grabs Fox's face and... you get the picture)  
  
Big Boss: And besides, you're not technically my kids! You're government bio weapons!  
Mantis: Dammit! How did you get both kings?!  
  
Raiden: Because I'm-  
  
Mantis: Jack the Ripper?  
  
Raiden: -White Devil!  
  
Mantis: Yeah, you're white all right.  
  
Naomi: What should I do Meryl? I can't get a date! Should I wear thongs and put out?!  
  
Liquid: Hey, only one person under this roof wear's thongs!  
  
Big Boss: Who?  
  
Liquid: Me!  
  
Big Boss: God! I should switch my name to Juan Fernandez and move to Spain again!  
  
Mantis: NOO!! How can you be winning?  
  
Raiden: I'm-  
  
Mantis: White Devil?  
  
Raiden: -special!  
  
Mantis: Dammit! I can't second guess this idiot!  
  
Raiden: Who?  
  
Mantis: Again! NO!  
  
Big Boss: And look at what you did to FOXHOUND! Women and fruits!  
  
Raiden: I like fruits.  
  
Big Boss: And I bet they love you.  
  
Liquid: Wolf happens to be one of the best Snipers in the world, and Mantis is psychic. He can predict anyone's move before they do it!  
  
Mantis: No!! I can't read him!  
Big Boss: You were saying?  
  
Liquid: Raiden thinks of one thing only.  
  
Big Boss: And that would be?  
  
Raiden: (starts dancing naked) Pudding, pudding! I love pudding, it loves me too, then I eat it and it turns to poo!  
  
Snake: At least he can rhyme.  
  
Big Boss: Does he do that often?  
  
Snake: All the time.  
  
Naomi: I can vouch for that.  
  
Meryl: Me too.   
  
Mantis: Did you consider dating him?  
  
Naomi: Only if the women of the world don't want me.  
  
Raiden: Let's play Jack Off in the box! (Grabs a cardboard box and hides under it) Where's the Jack Off?!  
  
Mantis: I wonder. (Uses telepathy to crush the box with the couch)  
  
Someone knocks at the door. Naomi opens it and-  
  
Raiden: Can't find the Jack Off!  
  
Mantis: What the Hell?! That's not even possible!  
  
Raiden: You're turn!  
  
Mantis: Crap! (Crawls under a box)  
  
Raiden: Where's the Jack Off? (Stabs the box)  
  
Mantis: OW! That's my spleen you frakhole!  
  
Raiden: Found the Jack Off, you go again!  
  
Mantis: (under the same box) I'm ready.  
  
Raiden: (still naked) Time to find the Jack Off! (Runs upstairs and out into the blizzard)  
  
Mantis: (gets out of the box, massaging his butt) Idiot!  
  
Big Boss: (wide eyed) Remind me never to play with Jack Off.  
  
Snake: Don't worry.  
  
Liquid: It happened to the best of us.  
  
Meryl: I remember we all lost a game of strip poker, and he took all our clothes. We had to walk around naked for three hours before Fox sobered up, realized he was naked, then pounded his face into the dirt.  
  
Naomi: I had to lock myself in my room, then when the pizza man came, the team elected me to answer the door. Since when has Ocelot had a heart condition.  
  
Snake: Don't worry, he's in a better place.  
  
Liquid: What the Hell are you talking about?! You buried him in the backyard and stole all his tips!  
  
Snake: What I did to the late Shalashaska is no one's business.  
  
Big Boss: Remind me never to drink 850L of whiskey again, blacking out for a decade is too weird.   
  
Snake: Either take us to a tourist trap or I'll back you out myself.  
  
Big Boss: No, no way, never, jamais!  
  
Some random tourist trap.  
  
Big Boss: Lovable bastards.  
  
Snake: (wearing a Mickey Mouse cap) C'mon dad, I wanna meet Goofy!  
  
Liquid: I wanna pet Pluto!  
  
Big Boss: I wanna kill myself. Being 91 ain't fun. Especially when you have to hold two 34 year old's hands in Disney Land.  
Disney Land  
  
Big Boss: Dammit, George, why did you have to wake me up!?   
  
Author's Note: This time he meant Bush, last time he meant George Sears. That would be Solidus.  
  
Snake: Hurry dad!  
  
Random Guy: Oh, thank you God!  
  
Liquid: Huh?  
  
Guy: We haven't had any customers since the Even Bigger Shell opened.  
  
Big Boss: What the Hell is that?  
  
Guy: The most popular tourist attraction in history. They have all the blunders of the human race. The most popular two are 'the fatty', who can and does eat anything you throw in, and 'the dummy' incapable of understanding the most basic commands. They had the thing on a respirator for a month before they taught it to breath!  
  
Big Boss: Make fun of the fat guy, eh? Alright boys, we're going to the shell thing.  
  
Guy: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Meanwhile, on that same tourist attraction  
  
Mike: Jesus! Quit throwing in health bars! Gimme something I can eat!  
  
Ryan: Dude, why the Hell do they want me to learn to speak Spanish so bad?  
  
Mike: Why do they want to throw junk food at me all day? They're losers.  
  
Both: (get a horrible chill)  
  
Ryan: Dude, the guys are coming.  
  
Mike: How would you know that?  
  
Ryan: Because I read it up earlier.  
  
Mike: You can do that?!  
  
Ryan: And they call me the dumb one.  
  
Back with FOXHOUND, in the ferry to the Even Bigger Shell.  
  
Big Boss: And the only thing Dave could say until he was 2, was 'kaka taka!'  
  
Snake: (entire face red)  
  
Meryl: Oh Snake, you were so cute!  
  
Liquid: Cute? The guy was a loser!  
  
Big Boss: And James watched Sailor Moon until he was fifteen!  
  
Liquid: (entire face glowing red) Crud.  
  
Snake: At least I didn't have a fixation on little girl animes!  
  
Big Boss: Yeah, you always watched Barney. At least they never animated that.  
  
Fox: You are such losers!  
  
Big Boss: If memory serves, in the fifth grade talent show, you sang the song that never ends until the principal pulled out the 12 gauge.  
  
Fox: (shuts right up)  
  
Wolf: Ooh, a talented singer.  
  
Naomi: Actually he sang so bad he never made it past the refrain.  
  
Raiden: It's the song that never ends, yes-  
  
Everyone: Shut up, Jack Off!  
  
Big Boss: And for the love of God, find a pair of pants!  
  
Raiden: I'm comfortable in my nudity. (Crosses his legs)  
  
Mantis: (trying to hypnotize him) Raiden, find pants, and you will find pudding!  
  
Raiden: (pulls out a banana pudding from under his butt) I already have one. Ooh, it turned chocolate! (Eats some) Nutty!  
  
Snake: (face goes from red to green) Oh God!  
Big Boss: Eh, I saw Englishmen do worse in the Cold War. They did it with other peoples butts.  
  
Meryl: That's disgusting!  
  
Wolf: And in the Gulf War, when was younger.  
  
Fox: They did that all the time in Africa, and I saw Raven bench press a tank in Outer Heaven.  
  
Liquid: How is that disturbing?  
  
Fox: He did it naked.  
  
Liquid: God!  
  
Naomi: Ew! Well, I gave him a physical, so it's not that bad.  
  
Meryl: Nasty!  
  
Mantis: I saw him do the same thing in Shadow Moses.  
  
Tour guide:: We're here! Please step onto Even Bigger Shell.  
  
The team does so. Except Mantis, he floats.  
  
Even Bigger Shell  
  
Fox: I'm off to the house of armor, anyone wanna come?  
  
Snake: No splitting up, Raiden may get lost and end up someone's b***h. Especially since he's naked.  
  
Big Boss: Alright, everyone into the armor house.  
  
House of Armor.  
  
The first on the wall is a medieval armor suit, along with a wide bladed halberd.  
  
Snake: Cool!   
  
Green Guy with big pointed ears: You call this earning a living, Malek?  
  
Malek(the armor): Oh, go to Hell Vorador.  
  
Vorador: Really hurt your pride in Dark Eden, huh?  
Malek: Kain killing everyone didn't make it easier.  
  
Vorador: I hear you.  
  
Big Boss: Alright, next one.  
  
Fox: Hey, that's my armor!  
  
Fox's armor: (muffled shouting)  
  
Liquid: Huh?  
  
Fox's armor: (more muffled shouting)  
  
Author's Note: It's stuck to a big magnet.  
  
Naomi: Here. (Open's the mask)  
  
Fox's clone: (glint of madness in his eyes) Heeeeere's FOXY!!!!  
  
Raiden: Cool, heeere's JACKY!!  
  
Big Boss: No talking to the displays.  
  
Raiden: Ah...  
  
Mantis: All of these display's are alive!  
  
Last Display(black medieval armor): Hey! I'm the main character in a Final Fantasy game! Get me down!  
  
Malek: Live with it, Cecil.  
  
Cecil: I didn't volunteer for this, I don't deserve to be treated like this!  
  
Malek: Why don't you try to flip them off?  
  
Cecil: You know damn well I'm not capable of doing that.  
  
Fox's clone: Sucks to beeeeeee, CECIL!  
  
Wolf: Is it just me, or is it only Metal Gear characters that get treated well?  
  
Snake: Hey guys, how about we cover then in C4 and blow em up!!  
Malek: Go for it.  
  
Fox's Clone" Heeeeere's C4!  
  
Cecil: No! My hit points are only at 19! You'll kill me!  
  
Fox: I like.  
  
Liquid: Do it man!  
  
Meryl: I'll do anything you ever want me to do. Anything.  
  
Snake: Buy me a beer. (Hands her a ten)  
  
Meryl: (sighs, and walks off)  
  
Naomi: You do realize that you'll be destroying government property?  
  
Big Boss: That's what makes it fun.  
  
Mantis: Set one on the ghost's crotch!  
  
Malek: Hey!  
  
Big Boss: Reminds me of the time Dave and James blew up the toilet stalls in their high school, then got stuck in the bathroom, and the principal had to give them mouth to mouth.  
  
Naomi: Point being?  
  
Big Boss: Get at a good distance first.  
  
5min later  
  
Big Boss: How the Hell did you plant so many C4's!?  
  
Snake: (points to his head) Infinite ammo.  
  
Vorador: Bye-Bye, Malek.  
  
Malek: See ya.  
  
Fox's Clone: Byeeee, FOXY!  
  
Cecil: NO! For the love of Hironobu Sakaguchi, don't!  
Liquid: Sorry, Hideo Kojima says: "Thou must slay thine lesser's".  
  
Malek: Oh yeah, and Ami Hennig said: "Get blown up by freaky buttwipes".  
  
Meryl: (back) I bet she did.  
  
Snake: You want eternal rest? I got it right here. (Brandishes the detonator)  
  
Cecil: NO! Not enough people know who I am!  
  
Malek: I got all the eternal rest I'll need.  
  
Snake: See you in Hell. (Presses the switch)  
  
The entire strut is reduced to a large hole with a crater dug into it, and scattered pieces of Malek's armor.  
  
All: Now that's Metal Gear.  
  
Big Boss: Next attraction, the fatty and the dummy.  
  
Liquid: Sounds good.  
  
Naomi: Let's go.  
  
Meryl: Losers.  
  
Mantis: That ghost was powerful indeed, I can still feel his presence.  
  
Liquid: Hurry!  
  
Mantis: Coming!  
  
The group leaves.  
  
All of the pieces of Malek's armor come back together.  
  
Malek: Free. Let's see what those guys do next. (Fades away)  
  
In 'the Hall of Shame'  
  
Tour Guide: (Aeris from FF7) Welcome to the Hall of Shame, where we display the greatest screw ups in scientific history. Most of them are extremely violent, so they are kept in a protective glass cell.  
Guy with long hair: So, cetra, we still on for tonight?  
  
Aeris: Dammit Sephiroth, keep fantasizing!  
  
Sephiroth: One day... when I escape nothing will protect you from... a classy date.  
  
Aeris: Look, I'm into Cloud.  
  
Sephiroth: The guy's pumping Tifa right now, give up.  
  
Aeris: How would you know that?  
  
Sephiroth: We're mentally conected.  
  
Aer-  
  
Big Boss: Shut up, I didn't pay for this!  
  
is: Rude, isn't he.  
  
Sephiroth: Take your top off.  
  
Aeris: And next, (flips Sephiroth off) are the two most popular screw ups in history, supposedly made by the Patriots to dominate the world.  
  
Snake: It can't be!   
  
Mike: About time you guys showed up!  
  
Ryan: Get us the Hell out of here!  
  
Meryl: It's really you two!  
  
Mike: (points to Meryl, angry) You!  
  
Meryl: Huh?  
  
Mike: Hug that damn imposter?! What the Hell were you thinking?!  
  
Fox: How do we know that it's really you.  
  
Ryan: 2+2=, according to Otacon, 87.  
  
Liquid: Good enough, you (points to Aeris) get them out.  
Aeris: Sorry sir, it's against the rules to let the two most patients in history out.  
  
Ryan: I got it. (opens the door)  
  
Mike: The door wasn't locked?!?!  
  
Ryan: Nope.  
  
Mike: And instead of letting us out in chapter 2, you let us rot in here?!  
  
Ryan: Aeris has a hot ass.  
  
Aeris: (blushes)  
  
Sephiroth: Amen.  
  
Mike: Good point, but was it worth missing the action?  
  
Ryan: (points to Aeris)  
  
Mike: True.  
  
Naomi: It's good to see you two.  
  
Big Boss: Nice to meet you.  
  
Mike: Big Boss, it's an honor. (Shakes his hand)  
  
Ryan: Dude, he does look like Sean Connery!  
  
Fox: Some things die hard. You kick ass man!  
  
Ryan: You too, dude.  
  
Raiden: Hey guys!  
  
Ryan and Mike: (unenthusiastic) Hey Jack Off...  
  
Mantis: Good to meet you.  
  
Wolf: Likewise.  
  
Mike: No, the pleasure is mine. (Suggestive eyebrow thing)  
  
Wolf: Ew! (Slaps him off his feet)  
  
Mike: Ow.  
  
Ryan: Cool, THE Psycho Mantis!  
  
Mantis: A fan!  
  
Aeris: You have to go back in, sirs.  
  
Mike: (gets up) You!! Suffer for you're constant optimism!  
  
Aeris: (smiling optimistically) I don't know what you mean.  
  
Mike: Suffer, I say! (Uses Author power to teleport her into Seph's cell)  
  
Sephiroth: Hello.  
  
Aeris: HEEEEELP!  
  
Sephiroth: No one's gonna hear you where you're going. Down my pants!  
  
An old man teleports into the room  
  
Old Man: It seems we have some troublemakers.  
  
Ryan: You.  
  
Snake: Who?  
  
Mike: The alchemist Anacroth, guardian of the pillar of states.  
  
Fox: United Stats?  
  
Mike: Physical states.  
  
Fox: Oh.  
  
Anacroth: Malek, to my aid.  
  
Malek: (appears) WAZZUP?!  
  
Fox: Bastard stole my line!  
  
Mantis: That explains the prescene!  
Ryan: Crap.  
  
Big Boss: Still alive?  
  
Snake: No way!  
  
Meryl: Weird.  
  
Naomi: He's physically impossible!  
  
Malek: So are most of the women in hentai, but I'm not complaining.  
  
Ryan: Me neither.  
  
Snake: Or me.  
  
Liquid: Damn straight.  
  
Fox: Well duh! What's the point of drawing hot chicks if you can't make them larger than life?  
  
Wolf: *ahem*  
  
Fox: (quickly) Not that I watch it.  
  
Big Boss: I love that stuff. Like the time I caught Dave jerking off to it.  
  
Raiden: Hentai is funny!  
  
Naomi: EWW!  
  
Meryl: Snake, you bad boy.  
  
Mike: Be careful, this foe is beyond physical harm.  
  
Snake: That makes it so much easier, doesn't it.  
  
Raiden: What's wrong with you? It's Hella harder this way!  
  
Liquid: He was being sarcastic.  
  
Mantis: Crap.  
  
Wolf: This is going to be rough.  
  
Mike: There's only one man for the job. Vorador!!  
  
Vorador: (walks in drinking a 'red coke') You rang?  
  
Mike: Oh, teleport your Vampire ass in for Kain, and walk in for me?  
  
Vorador: About right.  
  
Mike: (gives up) Just kick Malek's ass.  
  
Malek: Vengeance for my eternity of suffering!  
  
Vorador: Whelp! As if you would know what eternity is! Bow before you're true master!  
  
Malek: Never! I'll cut you from crotch to gizzard, and feed on what's left of you're brides!!  
  
Author's Note: They actually say that in Blood Omen: The Legacy of Kain.  
  
Malek: (stabs at Vorador)  
  
Vorador: (teleports a few feet away, the draws his sword) Damn you, paladin! (Throws an energy bolt, then rushes and stabs at Malek)  
  
Malek: (takes the energy bolt, then deflects the sword)  
  
Vorador: (slashes low, then high, and finally at his mid point)  
  
Malek: (takes all three, then brakes apart)  
  
Vorador: Getting rusty.  
  
Malek: (pulls himself together) I've been saving this for you. (Pushes his Halberd out horizontally, and a big wave of energy comes out)  
  
Vorador: (teleports behind Malek, and grabs him metal undies) One metal thong, coming up!  
  
Malek: NO!  
  
Vorador: (gives him a mega wedgie)  
  
Malek: (really high pitched) AAH!  
  
All the guys: (grabs their balls) Ooh!  
  
Vorador: My job is done. (Teleports away)  
Malek: (teleports away)  
  
Anacroth: Uh-oh.  
  
Big Boss: Gang beat his ancient ass!!  
  
All: Hell yeah!  
  
Anacroth: Nooooo!  
  
Later that night, in the basement.  
  
Mike: Man, this stuff is better than the old stuff!  
  
Fox: I grew these myself!  
  
Raiden: My butt is going numb.  
  
Ryan: Then put some damn pants on!  
  
Naomi: We haven't gotten high like a team in so many chapters!  
  
Big Boss: I feel young again!  
  
Snake: I feel like a banana pudding!  
  
Raiden: Stay the frak away from my pudding!  
  
Liquid: Make us! (Punches Raiden out)  
  
Snake: Score!  
  
Big Boss: Calm down! (Pinches their necks, knocking then out)  
  
Fox: Man, these things make Wolf's jugs look even bigger!  
  
Wolf: Let's go to the bedroom!  
  
Fox: Yeah! (Follows Wolf upstairs)  
  
Ryan: Yup. (Runs upstairs, then after a loud bang, falls down the stairs, out cold)  
  
Naomi: Maybe I can date Ryan?  
  
Mike: (smashes his lamp over her head, knocking her out, then looks at the shattered lamp) NOOOO!!   
  
Wolf's in the backround: AWOOOOOOOOH!!  
  
Mike: (passes out from shock)  
  
Meryl: I'll just drag Snake upstairs. (Proceeds to do so)  
  
Big Boss: (click on the TV) Losers.  
  
The End  
  
Author's Notes: Whoohoo! We're back! Please review, and send suggestions, or I wont be able to continue. I depend on suggestions.  
  
Thank you Akai Yuki, Sephira Strife, Stef, and Blackraven. And the anonymous people.  
  
I shall return, with a better chapter!  
  
Screw X-Box, long live Hideo Kojima. 


	6. Nothing big, an old friend goes evil and...

Disclaimer: Neither I, nor Ryan own ANYTHING in this fic. Ain't that fraking weird?  
  
Thank you, than you all! Ryan and I would like to thank the following people: The man who started us up, FF7's Vorador! No, I haven't been drinking, I 'm just an idiot. Seriously, thank you all, from Stef to Blackraven, Sephira Strife and even Akai Yuki. Huh, guess that's all the signed ones. And thank the anonymous.  
  
Mike and Ryan are playing team checkers against Raiden and Mantis. The point is to move two pieces a turn, ultimately making the game faster. Manis is freaking out because the boys put the controllers in port two. Snake is chatting with Big Boss and Liquid. Meryl is still ogling Snake.  
Naomi is trying to deal with her dating problems with Meryl. Fox and Wolf are freaking out on the couch.  
  
Chapter: The chapter with no name. Malek's big day.  
  
Mike: Alright, my turn. Hmm. Here! (Triple jumps all of remaining Mantis' pieces) Lo-hoo-hoo-ser!  
  
Mantis: I can read you're minds! Why the Hell do I keep losing?!  
  
Ryan: Cause you're gay.  
  
Mantis: I am not!  
  
Mike: But you are a little b***h.  
  
Mantis: I am not!  
  
Raiden: But you do whine a lot.  
  
Mantis: Shut up! Damn you all!! (Makes the couch levitate, knocking off Wolf and Fox) Suffer! (Smacks Mike off of his chair, but misses Ryan completely)  
  
Ryan: Whoa, one little mofo.  
  
Mike: Frak off.  
  
Raiden: Yes?  
  
Mike: I said frak off, not Jack off.  
  
Raiden: Oh. I like pudding, pudding likes me, when I get shot in the stomach, I shit onto my knee.  
  
Fox: Jesus, what's wrong with you?!  
  
Mantis: I do it all the time, but you never whined about it before!  
  
Mike: He wasn't whining, (gets up) you were.  
  
Mantis: I don't whine!!  
  
Wolf: Keep crying, you damn baby.  
  
Big Boss: The first time I gave Dave a smoke, he started to cry!  
  
Snake: That's not true! (Starts to cry)  
  
Meryl: Oh Snake, don't cry, I'll make it better. (Suggestive eyebrow thing)  
  
Snake: Sorry Meryl, I'm just so lonely.  
  
Meryl: I can help you with that.  
  
Snake: You'll help find me a blind date?!  
  
Meryl: (get's an idea) Sure I will... sure I will.  
  
Naomi: You skank! You said you would help me! Wait, are going to hook me up with Snake?  
  
Meryl: No.  
  
Snake: Whew!  
  
Naomi: Damn.  
  
Fox: We have an announcement to make.  
  
Liquid: Oh really?  
  
Wolf: I'm pregnant!  
  
All time stops, except for one thing.  
  
Raiden: (munching down a pudding)  
  
All: (turn and stare at him)  
  
Raiden: What?  
  
Wolf: (dead pan) I'm pregnant.  
  
Raiden: Oh, my God!!!!! NO! You poor people, now you'll have a kid, and all the responsibilities, and... can you call him Jack?  
  
Fox: NO! (Punches him off his feet)  
  
Mike: You idiot! (Pick's up the couch) I didn't want this! (Smashes him off his feet)   
  
Ryan: To shay!  
  
Mike: Screw fencing!  
  
Naomi: I told you to wear protection!!  
  
Wolf: It was a kinda spontaneous thing.  
  
Snake: Yeah, a real spur the moment situation.  
  
Liquid: You're pretty screwed, you realise.  
  
Big Boss: At least the bastard can get a date.  
  
Mantis: You poor wretch, you must now suffer the fate of raising a child.  
  
Fox: Unless we dump the kid.  
  
Mike: (shakes couch menacingly)  
  
Fox: Which we won't.  
  
Ryan: Sure you will.  
  
Wolf: Screw you.  
  
Meryl: Yay, I'll be an aunt figure!  
  
Raiden: I'll be an-  
  
Mantis: Uncle!  
  
Raiden: -annoying blond dude he knows.  
  
Mantis: Dammit!  
  
Snake: Guess we had better go buy a crib.  
  
Mike: Me, Ryan and Fox'll do that.  
  
Fox: (eyes wide) No!  
  
Wolf: Yes!  
  
Ryan: Alright! We get to go shopping!  
  
Mike: (dead pan) Yay, male bonding.  
  
At that same damn shopping district  
  
Fox: Fine, we'll go buy the crib, then we're going home. No bonding.  
  
Ryan: Frak you.  
  
Mike: I said bonding, so bonding it is!  
  
Fox: Ah come on!  
  
Voice: No further!  
  
Mike: Huh? Oh God, not now!  
  
Ryan: You don't know how to die, do you?  
  
Malek: Nope. Anyway, you can't complete your objectives. I have stolen all the baby related products in the store!  
  
Mike: You found out she got pregnant and stole all the cribs before we got here?!  
  
Malek: No, I stole all the baby products because a kid barfed on my armor. That was a coincidence.  
  
Fox: Oh.  
  
Ryan: Not good with kid's either, huh?  
  
Malek: I'm not good with a lot of things.  
  
Some random woman: (walks past Malek)  
  
Malek: Take your top off.  
  
Woman: Jerk! (Slaps him off his feet)  
  
Mike: Loser.  
  
Ryan: Baka.  
  
Fox: Guy can't get a date.  
  
Malek: (pulls himself to his feet) Lesbo.  
  
Mike: I got a plan! Huddle.  
  
The group makes a huddle, and various whispers are heard.  
  
Malek: What are you talking about?  
  
One by one, the group raises their hands behind their backs, all fingers dropped save one.  
  
Malek: Real mature you guys! (Plants his pike in the ground ad stretches)  
  
Mike: Got it?  
  
Fox: Got what?! All you said was play along, and act evil!  
  
Mike: (hushed) Shut up, improvise!  
  
Ryan: Yeah, just wing it, you'll be fine. (To himself) That guys a walking corpse.  
  
Mike: We have a proposition for you.  
  
Malek: And that would be?  
  
Mike: We get you a successful date...  
  
Ryan: And you give us all the stuff.  
  
Fox: Or we pound you into cubes and run while you pull yourself together.  
  
Malek: (thinks) Alright, we have a deal.  
  
Ryan: Time to work my romantic magic.  
  
Mike: (looks at Ryan) Big Boss'll get a date before you.  
  
Malek: My place, tomorrow at 9am.  
  
Fox: How will we recognize it?  
  
Malek: Ask around for the Haunted Bastion.  
  
Mike: Haunted Bastion, huh?  
  
Ryan: Sounds scary, (to Fox) guess you'll have to have me hold you're hand, huh?  
  
Fox: We'll see who has to hold hands.  
  
At Malek's Bastion, a place surrounded by the cold of an endless winter, decorated with sharp surfaces, and cold steel. Fitting, for one seeking haven from the rest of the world.  
  
Mike: I like my intro's.  
  
Fox: Uh, Ryan?  
  
Ryan: (extends his hand)  
  
Fox: (holds it) Thanks.  
  
Malek's Voice: Come deeper within my Stronghold , I am waiting for you in my throne room.  
  
Fox: I'm scared.  
  
Ryan: Don't worry, Mike knows a way.  
  
Mike: Enough time spent playing Blood Omen teaches you all about Bastions.  
  
Fox: What the Hell is Blood Omen? Another game?!  
  
Mike: Yup, different company, different game.  
  
Fox: You hussy!  
  
Ryan: It's not like he was cheating on you!  
  
Fox: You real people will never understand, we game characters love every exclusive fan we can get.  
  
Ryan: (behind Fox's back, pretends to go: Hee-hah! Like a donkey. If you don't know what it means, don't ask)  
  
Mike: Heh-heh.  
  
Fox: What's so funny?  
  
Mike: Uhh... thinking about... something... Raiden... did?  
  
Fox: Yeah, that Jack Off is a dick, isn't he?  
  
Malek: NOW!  
  
Ryan: Yeah, whatever.  
  
Mike: We're coming. (Steps onto a teleportation rune, and is zapped to another area of te Bastion)  
  
Fox: AH! What the Hell happened to Mike?  
  
Ryan: He was transported to another part of the Bastion. C'mon! (Walks Fox through it)  
  
Fox: (appears in a another room, wuth spikes rising and dropping from certain parts of the floor) AAAH!  
  
Mike: (waiting at the stairs up a floor) C'mon you guys! Time it so you make it across when the spikes are down.  
  
Fox: How do you propose we do that?!  
  
Ryan: Calm down!  
  
Mike: Have balls, and go before all of the spikes are down. There is a pattern, you realize.  
  
Fox: (timing it, and hopping around a bit, finally makes it across) WHOO-HOO! I made it!  
  
Ryan: Wait up! (Makes it across in about 4secs) Here we go.  
  
Mike: Up a floor we go.  
  
On the next floor  
  
Mike: Alright, this is going to be easier. Just duck and crawl across, and the spinning blades won't cut your head off.  
  
Ryan: Should've brought Jack Off, huh?  
  
Mike: (laughs, then darts through, moving with the blades)  
Fox: I thought you said to duck?  
  
Ryan: It's easier that way. (Axial torso's through)  
  
Fox: I can do this! (Tries to run through, but gets his head lopped off, and thrown against the wall. Uses a ration) Man, that hurt like Hell!  
  
Mike: Do it right, crawl! Crawl you son of a b***h, CRAWL!!  
  
Fox: I can do it! (Crawls very slowly under the swinging blade)  
  
Ryan: That's the way!  
  
Malek: Hurry up, it's 8:47am.  
  
Mike: Calm you're ghost ass down!  
  
Malek: You want the products, yes? So hurry up.  
  
Fox: We're coming!  
  
In the cold area between the court, and the building they just walked through.  
  
Mike: Old friends? (Gestures to the two skeletons in armor impaled to look like guardians)  
  
Fox: That's just freaking weird.  
  
Ryan: Poor frakers.  
  
Malek: Those who dared brave my Fortress.  
  
Fox: Meaning?  
  
Ryan: Guys who tried to get in.  
  
Mike: Like us. (Opens the front door) Cheery.  
  
Fox: (sees what he was talking about) Whoa!  
  
Ryan: Hi! (Waves to Malek's skeleton on the throne) Fine, don't wave back, you goddamn corpse!  
  
Corpse: (dead for centuries)  
  
Mike: He ain't being rude, he's just been dead since before we were born.  
  
Fox: Gross! What kind of man leaves a dead body on a throne?!  
  
Mike: It's his corpse.  
  
Malek: (walks around the throne, nothing more than floating rubber gloves to his biceps and a bathrobe, along with a pipe where his mouth would be) Hello, on time I see.  
  
Fox: Alright.  
  
Mike: First things first. This place has to change.  
  
Malek: No one messes the building I live in.  
  
5min later  
  
The Bastion is now a bland, apartment looking place.  
  
Malek: You... bastards...  
  
Fox: Now, all we have to do is change the look.  
  
Malek: (looks around) We did.  
  
Mike: You're look.  
  
Ryan: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
Mike and Ryan: (force their faces right into the camera) MAKE OVER!!  
  
[bye bye bye]  
  
Malek: (opens the curtains, wearing a pink skin tight leather one piece)  
  
The Guys: (shake their heads)  
  
Malek: (steps out again, wearing a vest and low pants, exposing black boxers)  
  
Guys: (shake heads)  
  
Malek: (walks out in a bond tuxedo)  
  
Guys: (shakes their heads)  
  
Malek: (walks out in his body, wearing jeans, a vest, and with a muscle shirt under it)  
  
All: Hell yeah!  
  
Malek: Alright!   
  
Mike: How the Hell did you get your body back?  
  
Malek: Does it have to make sense?  
  
Ryan: Guess not.  
  
Fox: Now for your profile. Name?  
  
Malek: The Paladin Malek, Guardian of Conflict.  
  
Mike: I don't think that'll do. What's your name?  
  
Malek: The Paladin Malek?  
  
Ryan: How about... Malek Piladan?  
  
Malek: 0-0 What?  
  
Mike: Next. Job?  
  
Malek: Ward of the Circle of Nine, head of The Sarafan Warrior-Priests.  
  
Fox: Which means?  
  
Malek: I protect the Circle, and-  
  
Ryan: You're a personal Bodyguard.  
  
Malek: 0-0 Okay...  
  
Ryan: Alright... Nationality.  
  
Malek: Nosgothic.  
  
Mike: You're French.  
  
Malek: You pulled that right out of your ass, didn't you?  
  
Mike: Your working character name was Guillaume, so you're French.  
Malek: Alright, why the Hell not?  
  
Voice: Because I'll send you to Hell!  
  
Malek: The Hell?  
  
Mike: You!   
  
Fox: How?  
  
Ryan: Otacon?  
  
Otacon: (black hair, a katana in hand, and a flame thrower hanging loosely around his waist) So, this's where you three have been.  
  
Mike: What the frak happened to you?  
  
Ryan: Dammit man, he turned evil!  
  
Mike: Yet again, you state the obvious.  
  
Fox: Dude, you turned against us?  
  
Otacon: I found new allies. The-  
  
FOXHOUND: Patriots.  
  
Otacon: -Patriots.  
  
Malek: The Circle?!  
  
Mike: What?  
  
Malek: La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo is another name for Circle and elite.  
  
Otacon: You! You betrayed your own!  
  
Malek: I got fired because that old a-hole Moebius blamed me for getting six members of the Circle. Dirty old child molesting... (trails off mumbling)  
  
Otacon: They replaced you as Conflict Guardian.  
  
Malek: Son of a BI-  
  
Mike: Who?  
  
Otacon: The true Tigger!  
  
Fox: No way!  
  
Ryan: Oh shit, the real thing is worse than the evil one!!  
  
Malek: Tigger?  
  
Mike: My pet cat.  
  
Malek: I got replaced by a CAT?!  
  
Otacon: And I am the newest member of the Patriots. I am the Mentalist, Emmerich!  
  
Mike: Wow, you replaced the first guy Kain wacked.  
  
Fox: Hey! This ain't supposed to have groups from other games in it!  
  
Mike: Deal with it! (Gets ready for a fight)  
  
Otacon: Tigger, to my aid!  
  
Tigger: (appears) Meow! (Wazzup?)  
  
Fox: Dammit! No line stealing!  
  
Tigger: Meow, meow meow? (So, Malek, care to lay down and die?)  
  
Malek: You try my patience, Cat. Care to try my blade instead? (Brandishes his pike)  
  
Otacon: You three, now. (Runs out into the blizzard)  
  
Mike: G'luck Ward. (Chases Otacon)  
  
Ryan: Time to waste the guy who pissed his pants and cried in the same game. (Goes after him)  
  
Fox: Time to hunt some wild goose. And by goose, I mean, er-ah, pole smoker!   
  
Malek: I'll kill you, demon cat! (Lunges at Tiggs, and dodges a swipe, then smashes his shaft off of the cat's paw, shooting sparks out of the point of impact)  
  
In the courtyard  
  
Otacon: Take this! (Draws Katana, then animates the guards at the entrance)  
  
Mike: Crap! (Shoots the guard in the chest, knocking it over, then watches it get back up) Damn!  
  
Fox: (blocks a slice, then shoots it point blank with the Socom)  
  
Ryan: Die! (Lunges at Otacon, then parries a blow)  
  
Otacon: Die! (Slices at Ryan, then picks up an ice chunk the size of a basketball with his mind, and throws it at Ryan)  
  
Ryan: Frak! (Ducks it, then lunges at Otacon)  
  
Otacon: (blocks it, then pushes Ryan back and concentrates)  
  
Ryan: (pulls back his Katana, then gets hit in the back of the head, and knocked off his feet when the ice chunk comes for another pass) Damn!  
  
Mike: Just die!! (shoots it in the knee eight times, severing the leg) Heh.   
  
Monster: Urg... (spits out poisonous stuff)  
  
Mike: Crap! (Ducks under it and shoots it seven more times, right in the face) Stay down!!  
  
Fox: (having similar problems) Damn! (Pulls out REX buster) Try this! (Blasts it a few times, blowing it to little pieces) Ha!  
  
Mike: DIE! (Tosses a grenade on the thing, then jumps away, as the fragmentation grenade blows it to chunks)  
  
Ryan: Try this! (Punches twice, slices, does a roundhouse, the slashes again)  
  
Otacon: Damn! (Gets punched, blocks the slash, ducks the roundhouse, then gets slashed) We will meet again.  
  
Malek: (kicks the door open, leaving a dead cat behind him) Screw the date for the time being. We're gonna track down the Patriots, then kick that guy in the balls!  
  
Fox: This's gonna be a team effort. We'd better go home.  
  
Mike: Ward?  
  
Ryan: C'mon.  
  
Malek: Fine. (Transports all of them home)  
Fox and Malek: Wazzup?!  
  
Snake: Freeze! (Whips out USP)  
  
Malek: Cold reception, huh?  
  
Raiden: (now naked) That's funny because we're in Alaska.  
  
Noami: What the Hell is that guy with the spear with you?  
  
Mike: He killed another Tiggs one on one.  
  
Mantis: Hmm, he is the ghost from Even Bigger Shell, isn't he?  
  
Malek: My name is...  
  
Ryan: (gives him the eye)  
  
Malek: Malek Piladan.  
  
Meryl: What do you think, guys?  
  
Big Boss: What the Hell is Tiggs?  
  
Liquid: If you're that good, you're a friend.  
  
Snake: Guess we could use some outside help.  
  
Wolf: (runs up and frenches Fox)  
  
Ryan: Oh, and Otacon is one of the twelve Wise Man's committee.  
  
Snake: Otacon's a Patriot?!  
  
Liquid: Well if that doesn't ruin you're day.  
  
Malek: (to Naomi) So... wanna do something some time?  
  
Naomi: Yes!   
  
Malek: Yes! Anyway, I cam transport all available fighters to the Patriots.   
  
Big Boss: You can do that?  
  
Malek: I was a member of the Patriots, their 'personal bodyguard'.  
  
Liquid: So you know who they are?  
  
Malek: Of course. Anyone coming?  
  
Meryl: I'm coming this time.  
  
Wolf: I'll sit out of this one.  
  
Fox: You can't keep me away!  
  
Snake: As official leader, I'm gonna kick some ass.  
  
Liquid: When duty calls, I earn my weed.  
  
Big Boss: (cracks his back) I'll fight.  
  
Naomi: I'm not going anywhere.  
  
Mike: Like I'd miss it.  
  
Ryan: When battle calls, I cut off balls.  
  
Raiden: (magically dressed) Yay, killing time.  
  
Malek: To battle!! (magic teleport move)  
  
The Pillars of Nosgoth (random national park)  
  
Old Skeletal Man: So, Malek, come to fail your duty again?  
  
Malek: Can it Morty, old man Moebius said: Stop the blue dude, forget the green dude. (Brandishes pike)  
  
Mortanius: So you say.  
  
Mike: The necromancer is mine!  
  
Otacon: Hey, Ryan! You and me to the death!  
  
Ryan: Let's go!  
  
Russian Commander: Spread out, da?  
  
Soldiers: Da, er commandant.  
  
Snake: Looks like fun for us.  
  
Meryl: This should be good.  
  
Liquid: Like lambs to the slaughter.  
  
Big Boss: Lot's of Russians, just like the Cold War.  
  
Mortanius: (backing away from Mike) Malek, prepare for combat.  
  
Tiggs: (hollow cat shaped armor) Meow.  
  
Malek: You're undeath does not make you immortal. (Lunges)  
  
Tiggs: (block with floating claws)  
  
Malek: Ha! (Spins it over his head, then brings it down. Hard)  
  
Tiggs: Meow! (Dodges and leaps at Malek)  
  
Malek: (ducks and stabs)  
  
Tiggs: (lands and gets stabbed) Meow! (Jumps back and throws a magic ball)  
  
Malek: (shoots three out of his spear, they all explode, making a small crater and a lot of smoke)  
  
Both: (leap at each other weapons first, screaming)  
  
Snake: (ducks and guns down some Russian soldiers)  
  
Liquid: (uses a soldier as a human shield, and kills a few Russians)  
  
Big Boss: (strafing, gunning down all soldiers in his path)  
  
Meryl: (picking off random men)  
  
Fox: (blowing away men with REX buster)  
  
Mike: Die! (Dodging random zombies, and shooting at Morty)  
  
Mortanius: (gets hit) Arg. Ha! (Summons fireball shooting Daemon's)  
  
Mike: Frak! (Shoots some of them, then the clip empties and he gets hit) Arg...  
Mortanius: Ha! (Summon's exploding zombies)  
  
Mike: Shoot! (Shoots some of them, then nails the old man)  
  
Mortanius: NOO-(voice changes to a demonic roar, all his little demon's dying)OOO  
  
Mike: Crud... Unspoken.  
  
Hash-A-Gik: Play on little man, play on. (Shifts under ground)  
  
Mike: Damn! (Dodges to the side, as he bursts from the ground) Die! (Fires a whole fifteen clip into his head)  
  
Hash: Harrrr... (turns to dust)  
  
Mike: Still got it.  
  
Ryan: Why have you betrayed us? (Dodges a couple swings, and a telepathically thrown tree branch)  
  
Otacon: You left me to rot! (Dodges slash) And I'll have you rotting on the battlefield! (Lunges at Ryan)  
  
Ryan: (leaps off to the side, while slashing)  
  
Otacon: (lands, and loses his head)  
  
Ryan: (picks it up) Alas, poor Otacon, I knew him well. Actually I really did, huh. Cool.  
  
Snake: (blows away the last Russian) No Raiden, they don't want your pudding.   
  
Raiden: Jerks.  
  
Meryl: How is everyone?  
  
Malek: (walks over, and throws the cat helmet into a pile of corpses) Good, I'd say.  
  
Mike: I killed the Unspoken.  
  
Ryan: (flashes the head) I killed Otacon.  
  
Liquid: I'm happy.  
  
Big Boss: Killing people is the best way to relieve stress.  
Fox: I blew up so many people it wasn't even funny.  
  
Meryl: Good, we can all go home.  
  
Malek: (starts casting a spell) See you around.  
  
Mike: See ya, ward.  
  
The group is sent home, happy to have killed three of the Patriots, and with an ally for future battles.  
  
Malek: Oh, I'll be back, I have a date with Naomi.  
  
Closing remarks, took me days to write, and it wasn't even funny. I'm getting rusty, I need a fiction holiday. Thank you for reading, and good [insert time of day here]. Review. Thank you all again.  
  
Screw X-Box, long live Hideo Kojima. Ah Hell, I'll take the week off. Think up good suggestions, and send them in. 


	7. The End, Project Ryu

Disclaimer: I own jack doodle. I lost the picture of us. Saddening moment, no? Anyway, Konami still has what you want. Good stuff.  
  
Snake: What the hell do we have?  
  
Fans.  
  
Snake: And them?  
  
Millions of fans.  
  
Snake: Damn.  
  
Thank you, everyone, for the kick ass reviews, and for sticking with me to the end. Not to mention putting up with my inexcusably long absence. I was writing LoK stories. This is going to be the last chapter. Oh, I'm going to make another, though. HA! Victoire!  
  
The Misadventures of Unit FOXHOUND  
Final Chapter(I lost count): Operation Ryu  
  
In the basement, as all chapters have started (for the next one, I'm gonna have them start in a bedroom once)  
  
Snake is watching Baseketball, the movie. Meryl is loyally ogling him, like she always is. Big Boss and Liquid are reffing the two on two match of checkers between Mike and Ryan, and Raiden and Mantis. Wolf and Fox are making out on the couch, and Naomi is getting ready for her date with Malek.  
  
Snake: Hell, even we could make a Baseketball team.  
  
Meryl: Of course we could, Snake. (Sighs romantically)  
  
Snake: I mean, all you have to do is swear and dis people.   
  
Mike: (knocks off one of Mantis' pieces) And play basketball.  
  
Ryan: Sure, (knocks off one of Mantis' pieces, too) As long as you don't have to run, or dribble and shit like that.  
  
Mantis: No! How are you winning?  
  
Raiden: (knocks off one of Mantis' pieces) Yay, I'm helping guys!  
  
Mantis: I see. (Smashes his forehead off of the board)  
  
Big Boss: Regulation 48, section 3. If Mantis smashes his head off of the board, he forfeits the match. You forfeited the match. Mike and Ryan win!  
  
Mike and Ryan: Hell yeah!  
  
Ryan: Mike, how come you always write your name first when we get mentioned, or talk at the same time.  
  
Mike: You write the damn story.  
  
Ryan: Oh yeah, I forgot.  
  
Raiden: (suddenly naked) Want some pudding?  
  
Mike and Ryan: No thanks.  
  
Big Boss: Freaky how fast we got used to that, huh?  
  
Liquid: Never bugged me from the start. (Drops his coat, and jumps up, wearing nothing but his pink thong) Dance with me, nephew!  
  
Liquid and Raiden: (start belly dancing) Who-ha-wa-fa!  
  
Big Boss: My son and grandson are gay.  
  
Everyone: (looks at Snake)  
  
Big Boss: Wrong son!  
  
Everyone: (looks at the portrait of Solidus on the wall)  
  
Big Boss: Dammit! I was talking about Liquid!  
  
Everyone: (gasp and look at Liquid)  
  
Naomi: No way that Liquid's gay!  
  
Big Boss: He's dancing with his naked 20 year old nephew!  
  
Mike: That ain't enough to make a 2009 man gay.   
  
Big Boss: He wears nothing but a coat and a thong!  
  
Meryl: Women really dig men who wear thongs. It IS 2009.  
  
Big Boss: He just slapped Raiden's ass!!   
  
Mantis: Join the club. (Slaps Raiden across the ass)  
  
Raiden: Jack Off loves getting spanked! (Pulls a pudding out of his item window and starts to eat it)  
  
Ryan: Me too! (Spanks his own ass) I'm GAP!  
  
Mike: Gay and proud?  
  
Ryan: That's what it means? I thought it meant Godly Author Powered.  
  
Naomi: SHUT UP!  
  
Everyone: (shuts up and freezes in place)  
  
Naomi: He'll be here any minute.  
  
Mike: (still frozen in place) He ish not.  
  
Big Boss: Yesh he ish, you dirty bashtard.  
  
Snake: Shut the hell up.  
  
Meryl: Snake, you have shuch shtrong armsh.  
  
Snake: Hell yeah!  
  
Liquid: Like the one mashaging Rick Martin in his video.  
  
Snake: Frak off, thong boy.  
  
Liquid: Make me. (Spits through his teeth, and hits Mike)  
  
Mike: Hey!  
  
Snake: Oh yeah? (Spits through his teeth, and hits Mike, too)  
  
Mike: God dammit!  
  
Ryan: Losher.  
  
Mike: Frak off.  
  
DING-DONG PATTY WACK, GIVE THE DOG A BONE  
  
Naomi: He's here! Come in!  
  
Malek: (a floating tux an bo-tie) Hello.  
  
Fox: (still frozen in place, with his mouth on Wolf's) Mi rwoud hreet who, hut hi hant hove.  
  
Wolf: Ham hrighhet.  
  
Malek: (freaked) O-kay...  
  
Mike: Niche to she you again.  
  
Ryan: Niche shuit.  
  
Snake: Meryl, I don't think you got froze there. (Her hand is on his crotch)  
  
Liquid: (frozen in place hugging naked Raiden) Shorry about the gay door bell.  
  
Malek: Could I do this: 0-0 I most assuredly would.  
  
Big Boss: Shee?   
  
Raiden: (sleeping on Liquid's shoulder) Your hair smell's so nice...  
  
All: 0-o  
  
Malek: (hugs Naomi) Shall we?  
  
Naomi: Yes!! (Walks out with him, flashing condoms to the group, then remembers something) At ease.  
  
Mike: (floating in midair, drops like a rock) Oof!  
  
Ryan: Loser.  
  
Fox: (done with Wolf, for the moment) What'cha watching, Snake?  
  
Snake: Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Dian Bacher in...  
  
Snake, Mike and Ryan: Baseketball!  
  
Wolf: The hell?  
  
Mantis: (floats over to the TV) Cool.  
  
Mike: I love this movie.  
  
Ryan: Me too!  
  
Mikey: (somehow appears) I remember this from your birthday.  
  
Mike: WHAAA!! How the hell are you alive? You died in the Middle of Nowhere Mental Institute!  
  
Mikey: I died left right and center! You had to pick me up from a demon veterinary!  
  
Snake: I remember that...  
  
Flashback  
  
Mikey: Spirit's have told me to destroy!!  
  
Snake: Hmm...  
  
Mikey: (suddenly paranoid) What? Where? WHO?!!  
  
Snake: Always alert...  
  
Mikey: Water is not my friend!!  
  
Snake: How much for him?  
  
Flashback  
  
Mikey: See what I mean?  
  
Mantis: I sense evil in you... (gasp)  
  
All the guys: (draw their guns or Katanas)  
  
Mantis: You're Mike's best friend!!  
  
All: (ease down their weapons)  
  
Ryan: So, how's Papes?  
  
Mikey: Dead and burnt to a crisp, and buried three times over.  
  
Mike: I remember that...  
  
Flash-  
  
Big Boss: No more flashbacks!  
  
Wolf: So you're the one I heard about.  
  
Meryl: Wanna touch my jugs.  
  
Mikey: (dives for her)  
  
Meryl: (sees a penny) Cool! (Bends over for it)  
  
Mikey: Poopie! (Slams head first into the wall) Damn, always me...  
  
Fox: Fruit's still around, huh?  
  
Raiden: Yup, I'm right here.  
  
Liquid: Present.  
  
Fox: I meant Mikey!  
  
Mikey: Since when did you think I was gay?  
  
All from the first fic: (jaw drops)  
  
Mikey: Where the hell did Otacon, Emma, and Mei-Ling go. And where the frak is Naomi?  
  
Mike: Dead, don't care, Naked News, on a date with Malek of the Sarafan.  
  
Mikey: Sweet, me neither, cool, who the hell?   
  
Snake: LoK character.  
  
Mikey: What the unholy hell is LoK?  
  
Ryan: I still don't know.  
  
Wolf: (on the phone) Yes, sure, HELL YES~! We'll do it.  
  
Mike: The hell is that?  
  
Liquid: (dressed) What did you do this time, Kurd?  
Fox: (punches him off his feet) No cussing out my woman, you jackass! (To Wolf) What the hell did you do this time, Kurd?  
  
Wolf: (narrow's eyes)   
  
Fox: Sweetheart?  
  
Mike: The hell happened?  
  
Snake: Yeah, what are we going to do?  
  
Raiden: (still asleep on his feet)  
  
Big Boss: Quickly now.  
  
Wolf: I accepted a mission, that will pay us 150 dollars per step.  
  
Mike: And..?  
  
Wolf: All you guys have to do, is win something called the Densalow cup.  
  
Snake: We get to make a basketball team!  
  
Mike: Oh, hell-  
  
All: Yeah!  
  
Fox: Sweet! Who's our sponsor?  
  
Wolf: The US government.  
  
Ryan: (whistles) That's a good sponsor.  
  
Liquid: We have to pick a team.  
  
Mantis: I'm out, I can't swear like that.  
  
Mike: If there's one thing I'm good at, and God knows there only is one, it's dissing people! I'm in.  
  
Fox: All you have to do is throw a ball and swear? Hell, I'm in.  
  
Meryl: I can be the mascot!  
  
Liquid: And I'll organize us.  
  
Big Boss: I'll test the products.  
  
Ryan: I'll shoot a hoop for the team.  
  
Raiden: (still asleep)  
  
Mikey: I'll watch over him.  
  
Snake: So it's me, Fox, Mike and Ryan. Liquid is the organizer, Meryl's the mascot and dad's the guinea pig for the products.  
  
Mikey: Sounds right.  
  
Wolf: To the Foxmobile!   
  
The team: (jump in an old mustang convertible)  
  
Wolf: To the White House!  
  
Car dies after fifteen feet.  
  
Wolf: (get's out) To the gas station!  
  
The following Monday  
  
In the presidential office  
  
Bush: So you understand?  
  
Mike: Yes, sir.  
  
Snake: We are to form a baseketball team called the Foxes.  
  
Meryl: I'm the mascot, Foxy. (Holds up the costume, which is a bikini with bushy tail)  
  
Big Boss: I test all the products. (Is in his normal outfit, except it's orange with a foxes fur pattern)  
  
Ryan: Myself, Fox, Snake and Mike are the first line up, and coincidently the only one.  
  
Wolf: I organize all events, such as charity movements.  
  
Bush: Correct. Now, are there any complaints?  
Meryl: Does it have to be a thong bikini?  
  
All guys: Yes.  
  
Wolf: Frankie...  
  
Fox: It's... patriotic.  
  
Ryan: When do we start?  
  
Liquid: And when do we get lunch.  
  
Bush: In forty-eight hours, and now. (Presses a button his desk) Miss?  
  
Secretary's Voice: Yes mister president?  
  
Bush: Send it in.  
  
A few hundred trays come in, covered in taco's.  
  
Bush: Let the feast of a thousand fajita's begin.  
  
All: (stuff their faces like Jabba the Hutt after being starved for a week)  
  
First game  
  
A big black guy is up to throw, and the Foxes are having a huddle.  
  
Mike: I don't know what to do! This guy invited me to bang his momma, sleep with his sister, kill his kids, burn him at a KKK convention, everything!  
  
Ryan: He has to have a weak point!  
  
Snake: The hair! Make fun of the hair!  
  
Mike: What?  
  
Liquid: Yeah! You know how eggroll Snake goes when someone disses the mullet.  
  
Mike: Yeah...  
  
Snake: But do it nice and calm... then wham!  
  
Mike: I got it! (Walks to the plate) Hey Ross.  
Ross: What, little white boy?  
  
Mike: You ever watch Ladies Man?  
  
Ross: Yeah? And? (Get's ready to throw)  
  
Mike: Cuz you got a fro like that little pussy! You slur your 's' too? Hello, I'm Rosth, I love ladies, but I run around in bright clothes and trick guys into eating shit!  
  
Ross: Whoa! (Misses horribly, and trips)  
  
Mike: Nice shot dickless!  
  
Ryan: Yeah! (Hugs Mike) We won the game!  
  
Fox: Dude, that was a sweet psyche out!  
  
Snake: Dude, that was awesome!  
  
Meryl: (runs down, with a bunch of bills in her outfit) Way to go guys!  
  
The Foxy chicks do their victory dance  
  
Snake: Alright, the next team is called the Sons of Liberty.  
  
Fox: Probably Solidus again.  
  
Ryan: Dude, we gotta sign some autographs up front.  
  
Mike: (looks at the memorial banners)  
  
They read:   
Mike cuss you out cuz your a pussy Meechan.  
Ryan sharp shot Derasp  
Snake I'm the captain so take you're top off Plisken  
Fox never been psyched out Jaeger  
  
Mike: Heh, so famous so fast.  
  
At the entrance  
  
Wolf: (with a megaphone) Single file!! Failure to do this will result in my shooting you!!  
  
Random Fangirl: Oh god, it's Snake! AAAHH!! (runs at Snake)  
Wolf: (pulls out her rifle and blows her away) Anyone else wanna $@#% with me?!!  
  
Snake: Who should I make this one out to?  
  
Girl: I'm Imak Eeyohr knee.  
  
Snake: Heh-heh... Damn right you do. (Writes down I make you horny) Here you go!  
  
Imak: Thank you. (Runs off then) Hey!  
  
Snake: And you are, lovely?  
  
Girl: Katrina Meechan.  
  
Snake: Really? I know a Meechan. Hell, everyone knows this Meechan.  
  
Katrina: He's my brother.  
  
Snake: Really? Hey Mike, come here!  
  
Mike: What? (Notices Trina) Trina?!  
  
Katrina: Hey Mike!  
  
Mike: Holy crap! What the @&%@(#&$@!(#&$@( $(@#$(@&$(@& #$(@&$(@&$@(*&$* @&$@(*&$(@&#$@*&#$ (*@&$(#&$@(*&@(&($*@(#&$&$@ )#& @(& are you doing here?!  
  
Crowd: (cheers after Mike is done) Cuss her out again man!!  
  
Mike: @$$% you! (Shoots him)  
  
Katrina: I came to wish you well.  
  
Mike: Cool. How 'bout I give you a tour?  
  
Next Game  
  
Fox is up to shoot, and trying to psych him out is Vamp.  
  
Vamp: Hello, foxy one. We meet again.  
  
Fox: Hold that thought.  
  
Vamp: Alright. (Crosses his arms and waits)  
  
Fox: (shoots, and gets a double) What were you saying, double sucker?  
  
Vamp: I was saying- (realizes what just happened) Dammit!  
  
Fox: See ya! (Runs off to second, bumping Snake up a base)  
  
Ryan: (steps up)(imitating Hannibal) Hello, Vamp!  
  
Vamp: (freaked out) Someone wanna sub me?  
  
Fortune: I will. (Walks up to Ryan wearing her bathing suit) (seductively) Hello.  
  
Ryan: (nervous) Hi. (Raises the ball to shoot, nervous)  
  
Mike: I swear to God, you miss and I have to shoot, and I kill you!  
  
Fortune: (starts to take off her suit, slowly) Wanna see my tits?  
  
Ryan: Haaaa... (passes out)  
  
Mike: You cocksucker! (Steps up, and kicks Ryan's unconscious form off the plate) I'm screwed.  
  
Snake: (to Fox) We're screwed.  
  
Fortune: Wanna see my tits?  
  
Mike: (thinking) 'Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts...' (Imagines Liquid running across the field in his thong) 'Damn! He desensitized me!' (Imagines Big Boss run after Liquid in the Foxes line of thong) 'Oh God, almost there!' (Imagines Liquid and Big Boss making out) AH, GAWD!! (shoots it in, getting a homer) I can still see it! AAH!! (feels really dirty, so he runs around trying to dust himself off) EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW!!!!!  
  
Fox: Yeah! We won!  
  
Ryan: (wakes up) He got it?!  
  
Snake: Holy crap!  
  
Mike: EEEEEEEW!!!! (drops to the ground and starts to giggle) I'm melting! HAHAHAHA!!  
  
Meryl: (in the stands) He pictured Liquid and Big Boss again.  
  
Ryan: That means the last game is the Densalow Cup!  
  
Snake: The last game was always the Densalow Cup.  
  
Fox: He meant that our next game is the Densalow Cup.  
  
Meryl: We're in the final's!!  
  
Mike: I can still see it!  
  
The next game, and the final match  
  
The Patriots VS The Foxes. Who will win?  
  
Announcer: As usual, (talking into a mic) the two teams must make a bet. The Patriots bet their new Metal Gear Ryu. The Foxes bet their mascot, Foxy Meryl. This will be the greatest game since the showdown between The Milwaukee Beers, and The Dallas Felons!  
  
Mike: (in the background) I can still see it!!  
  
Announcer: Let the game, begin!  
  
The Patriots: (Moebius from LoK, and the skeletons of 9 dead Presidents) Now!  
  
Patriot Fans: Kill the Foxes, kill the Foxes, kill the Foxes!  
  
Foxes Fans: Kill the Foxes, kill! Kill the Foxes, kill!  
  
Announcer: The Patriots go first. Countering, the great Mike, famous for the greatest psyche out count in history.  
  
Moebius: I'll make you pay for calling me Malek's bitch! (From my other fic, Legacy of chibi Kain)  
  
Mike: You wanted to be Kain's bitch too! Let's see what you got, old man!  
  
Moebius: (gets ready to shoot) Just try me!  
  
Mike: Your precious Malek-Walek is on a date with a woman named Naomi! He don't love you!  
  
Moe: (starts to cry) That bitch!! (runs out of the stadium crying, and gets a sand mixer back over on him, then front up and pour all the cement on him)  
  
Announcer: Ooh! The Foxes are off to a good start, already killing the only living member of the Patriots.  
Voice: Wait!  
  
Announcer: Oh my lord, the great Coop Cooper is here!  
  
Mike: Coop?!  
  
Coop: Hey kid, I saw your games, and you're the best damn psyche out goon since me!  
  
Mike: (tears forming in his eyes) Thank you so much.  
  
Coop: Me and Reemer retired after that old cocksucker killed Squeak. You guys gotta beat them to maintain the balance of basketball. When I made the sport I said 'No zombies!' did they listen? They never listen. Called it racist.  
  
Mike: Assholes.  
  
Coop: Real @#$%ers, I know. I'm rooting for you guys!  
  
Mike: Hell yeah!  
  
Coop: (sits in the dugout, next to Fox) Damn that kid's fat. No wonder he's the ****ing best in the league.  
  
Fox: I hear you.  
  
Snake is at bat, and Washington is psyching him out.  
  
Washington: You, good sir, are rude and have hair not even a hooligan would have!  
  
Snake: Whatever. (Gets the homer) All right!!  
  
Fox throwing against Kennedy  
  
Kennedy: So, er a, you have a nice woman there. And by nice I mean hot, and by woman I mean brawd!  
  
Fox: Tell that to her. (Throws a triple in)  
  
Kennedy: Damn, er a, it all!  
  
Ryan shooting against Ford  
  
Ford: My fellow American's-  
  
Ryan: (shoot's it in) Yes!  
  
Ford: -  
  
Mike: Way to go man!  
  
Ford: (frowns, rearranging the bones on his... skull)  
  
Announcer: And last up, the undead Squeak little bitch Squolari, and psyching him out, Mike cuss you out cuz you're a pussy Meechan.  
  
Squeak: I have to beat a 15 year old fat kid? That is so ****ing weak!  
  
Mike: You couldn't beat me if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your fly.  
  
Squeak: (thinks about it) Yeah I could!  
  
Mike: No you couldn't, you're a little bitch.  
  
Squeak: Dammit, that is so ****ing weak!  
  
Mike: Just shoot the ball. (Looks at Coop)  
  
Coop: (nods)  
  
Mike: Heard your sister's going out with...  
  
Squeak: (gets ready to shoot)  
  
Mike: Squeak!!  
  
Squeak: God!! (misses and falls to the ground)  
  
Fox: You did it!  
  
Ryan: You the man!!  
  
Snake: YES!! (grabs Meryl and starts to make out with her)  
  
Mike: I won Metal Gear Ryu, HELL YEAH!!  
  
Coop: Good job kid, but what the **** is Metal Gear?  
  
Otacon's ghost: (appears) I shall haunt you to the est of your days!  
  
Liquid: (jumps down, along with Big Boss) Oh no you won't.  
  
Otacon's ghost: Why not?  
  
Big Boss: (wearing The Foxes line of ghost busting gear) Who do you call?  
  
FOXHOUND: Unit FOXHOUND!!  
  
Big Boss: (fry's Otacon's ghost)  
  
END  
  
What the Hell did you think of that? Give me ideas for the sequel as soon as possible. I love you all!!!!!!!!!! 


	8. New friends! Solidus and Otacon return

Disclaimer: Read the disclaimer from every previous chapter, and you'll figure out the message. I own everything! (Gets struck by thunder) Konami owns it all.  
  
Sephira Strife- Deal. You're the baby's godmother over the Internet. Strange, no?  
  
Blizrun- You're in. Pissed off easy huh? I'll give you a good intro.  
  
Two reviews? Damn, Akai must've been pissed with the Malek chapter. And the best is yet to come.  
  
[Theme: The best is yet to come]  
  
Ah yes.  
  
Misadventures of Unit FOXHOUND  
Chapter 9- Old friends, and a Solidus/Otacon reappearance.  
  
Snake and Meryl are passed out in the bedroom, after a long night of... pinball..? And Big Boss is putting Liquid through boot camp in the front yard. Even though it's Alaska, the sun is shining and there's no snow at all. Mantis is walking Raiden, who's digging up Ocelot's corpse. Fox is on the couch watching a taped episode of Family Guy, trying to figure out how to be a good father. So far, all he got is that if you knock out the cable for your city and blame it on your daughter, you can get away clean. All you have to do is buy her a convertible. Naomi is searching the Internet for a name and godmother for the girl. (How do I know it's going to be a girl? I'm the freaking author) Wolf is getting ready for the wedding, after she swift talked a very drunk Fox to propose on video. Ryan and Mike are nowhere to be seen,  
  
In the front yard  
  
Big Boss: Hustle you little sissy! I'll have no evil clone of mine in bad shape!  
  
Liquid: (wearing full medieval armor, and a backpack full of stones) I'm moving you a-hole!  
  
Big Boss: (draws his automatic) I'm gonna make you move now, you little turd. (Turns off the safety)  
  
Liquid: Son-of-a–  
  
Big Boss: Dance, monkey! (Opens fire a Liquid's feet)  
  
Liquid: Bitch! (Runs around frantically, and runs down the street, and all the way around the 1/4 mile block, back to the HQ, then passes out)  
  
Big Boss: (holsters his gun) He's so damn cute when he sleeps.  
  
Liquid: (completely covered in sweat, and trying to fight off death) Huuhh... hooooh... huuhh... hooooh...  
  
Snake: (pokes his head out of the window) Dammit Liquid, learn to breathe, I was trying to sleep!  
  
Big Boss: You woke Dave up, you twit. (Shoots Liquid in the arse)  
  
In the basement, where the greatest of things always happen.  
  
Fox: (watching TV) He's the best dad in the world.  
  
Peter Griffin: (on TV) Hey guys, I got a joke. Why do women have boobs? So you have something to look at while you're talking to them!!  
  
Guys on TV: (laugh, then disperse as a lady walks over)  
  
Lady: Oh, do you have a joke? I love jokes.  
  
Peter: Okay, okay... Why do women have boobs?  
  
Lady: (shocked and pissed)  
  
Peter: So you have something to look at while you're talking to them!  
  
Woman: (same expression)  
  
Peter: So you have something to look at while you're talking to them!  
  
Fox: This shit is gold! (Scribbles 'disrespect Wolf' on a note pad. Then, 'Beer kicks ass')  
  
In the living room  
  
Naomi: (typing and talking at the same time) Who would like to be Sniper Wolf's child's God mother?  
  
Sephira Strife: (typing back) I will! ^-^  
  
Naomi: Great! Now, how old are you?  
  
Sephira Strife: Can't tell you.  
  
Naomi: Why not?  
  
Sephira Strife: Lazy author didn't check.  
Author: I resent that, I'm not lazy. More like... slothful.  
  
Naomi: Lazy bastard!  
  
Author: Hey! I ain't– screw it, too much effort.  
  
Sephira Strife: Told you. I'm Sephira Strife, that crazy Québécois who has a strange attachment to Solidus and Big Boss. Bye!  
  
Author and Naomi: Bye!  
  
Naomi: (to me) Putz.  
  
Author: Slut.  
  
In the back yard.  
  
Mikey: Hey, you didn't even mention me in the intro.  
  
Author: Too much work, so sod off.  
  
Mikey: Frak off, old man.  
  
Author: I'm fifteen.  
  
Mikey: C'mon!  
  
Author: (takes a body. Think Ozzy Osbourne) Bring it on, little man! I'll bite your damn head off!  
  
Mikey: Try this! HHYAA!! (transform into Solitary Tyrant. If you didn't read the first on, don't ask) Let's go. (Draws his FAMAS and opens fire)  
  
Ozzy Author: (stops them with his mind) (evil Ozzy laugh) My turn!  
  
[theme: Crazy Train]  
  
O A: (slaps Mikey, then grabs him and bites his head off) No one likes you anyway. (Cleans the blood off his face with his sleeve) (returns to being an insubstantial entity)  
  
Tyrant(Mikey): (somehow perfectly fine, gets up) I really have to stop pissing him off. He killed me twice in the last one!   
  
Mantis: (has Raiden on a leash) Shut up, you little pussy.  
Tyrant: Don't you get me started too! I'll FAMAS you like nothing!  
  
Mantis: Only Linguini guts has the balls to pull that off! (If you don't get it, read the last one)  
  
Raiden: (digging something up) (singing) My name's Raiden, my name's Jack-Off, my names even Linguini Guts!! I'm going off the rails on a crazy train! I know that things are going wrong for me! You gotta listen to my words!  
  
All three: Yeah!  
  
Mikey: Inherited troubles, I'm mentally numb!  
  
Mantis: Crazy, but that's how it goes, I new something wasn't fair!  
  
Raiden: Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane!   
  
All: I'm going off the rails on a crazy train!  
  
Snake: (sticks his head out of the window) Shut the hell up!  
  
A/N: I wrote that while listening to it, damn I had to type fast!  
  
Raiden: (finally digs up what he was looking for, Ocelot!) Whoo-hoo! (Starts to gnaw on the leg like a dog)  
  
Mantis: Bad boy! (Starts to try to pull the leg away) Bad boy! Bad boy, drop it! Drop it!!  
  
As he pulls, Raiden let's go, and bites his leg!  
  
Mantis: Ow! Take it! (Starts to beat him over the head with the leg) Take it, take the leg!!  
  
Mikey: Damn, cool!  
  
Mantis: Do something!  
  
Mikey: I am doing something! (Pulls out a bag of popcorn) I'm enjoying myself!  
  
Raiden: Grr...  
  
Snake and Meryl leave the building, and come around back to see what's going on. The scene shocks even them. Mikey is laughing like there's no tomorrow. Raiden is mauling Mantis' leg. Mantis is fighting Raiden off with a severed leg. What's left of Ocelot is grinning at the scene with blackened teeth. Nasty!  
  
Snake: You started a spontaneous song without me!  
  
Mantis: Little busy here! (Smacks him again)  
  
Snake: Not for me. (Shoots Raiden off) Frak off Linguini guts.  
  
Meryl: Mikey, you think this is funny?  
  
Mikey: No shit Sherlo- (gets a death glare from Snake) I mean... Of course not! Why the- (gets another one) HECK would I do that? Popcorn? (Offers her the bag)  
  
Meryl: Thanks! (Starts to eat it) Mmm, shis shtuff ish good!  
  
Raiden: (nursing his wound) And we weren't even playing Jack-Off in the box!  
  
Suddenly, and inexplicably (actually I could explain it, I just don't want to) Ryan runs in, completely freaked out.  
  
Ryan: GUYS!!!  
  
All: WHAT?!  
  
Ryan: Geez! Don't have to yell you know!  
  
Snake: What the hell is it?!  
  
Ryan: Remember how Mike won Metal Gear Ryu?  
  
All: Hell yeah!  
  
Snake: (to Mikey) Strange having you back.  
  
Ryan: He's on a rampage! He's taking on the President!  
  
Meryl: He couldn't!  
  
Big Boss: (walking over) Heard one too many fat jokes, if you ask me.  
  
Mikey: Yeah, like you had nothing to do with it.  
  
Big Boss: Sod off, or I'll send you back to - (gets an evil glare from Snake) Raiden's bedroom!  
  
All: (gasp)  
  
Raiden: I got Liquid arrested for child abuse!  
Snake: Don't remind me.  
  
Ryan: Guys! Ahh! Mike! Ahh! Ryu! Ahh! President! AHH!!  
  
Meryl: (slaps him) Calm down!  
  
Liquid and Fox flip off of the roof of the building, and pose heroically. That is, of course, until a gust of wind catches Liquid's coat, and everyone sees his pink thong.  
  
All: ARG!  
  
A/N: No I don't think he's gay.  
  
Mikey: Shit! I thought he stopped doing that!  
  
Liquid: Like I'd give up something this comfortable! It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! (Starts to shake his booty)  
  
Ryan: (covering his eyes) It looks like you're wearing nothing at all you sick monkey humper!!  
  
Liquid: I was drunk! And those late night gorilla calls really piss me off!  
  
Flashback  
  
Liquid: (asleep) Uhh... yes sir, I got rid of that nasty mess I made beside the toilet... yes sir I got the strainer for my @$$...  
  
The telephone rings  
  
Liquid: (wakes up) Huh? (Answers it) Hello?  
  
Gorilla on the other end: Oooh-ooh!  
  
Liquid: I told you! It's through, we're not together anymore!  
  
Gorilla: Oooh-ahh!! Ohh-AAAA!!  
  
Liquid: Arg! (Pulls his head off of the receiver)  
  
Snake's Voice: Shut up!  
  
Flashback  
  
Ryan: So what are we gonna do?  
Raiden: Disco!  
  
All: Shut up Jack Off!!  
  
Raiden: Why does no one like me?!  
  
Ryan: Cause you're a gay putz that eats banana pudding all the time!  
  
Raiden: (eating a banana pudding) Not true! Oh wait. Maybe it is!! ^_^  
  
Ryan: Putz.  
  
Liquid: Back on topic!  
  
Snake: Right, Fox! You have any ideas?  
  
Fox: Pork rinds and beer are the keys to victory!  
  
Mantis: How precisely does that help us with Mike rampaging around in Ryu?  
  
Fox: (shocked) Mike is rampaging in Ryu?!  
  
Meryl: Never mind! Anyone else have an idea?  
  
Mikey: Bait him out doing the one thing he hates the most!!  
  
Big Boss: Which is?  
  
Mikey: (evil grin) Remember the chapter I first died in?  
  
Snake, Fox, Mikey, Ryan and Liquid smile.  
  
Snake: Now that's Metal Gear!  
  
All: Hell yeah!  
  
Backup Presidential Office  
  
Bush: (talking to a shadowed man with a shotgun) So you know what to do?  
  
Man: I'll see to it that Ryu is destroyed.  
  
Bush: Good. (Presses a button on his desk) Ms. Daisy?  
  
Secretary: Yes sir?  
  
Bush: Send in that thousand Fajitas now.  
  
Man: I'd better get to work. (Fades into the shadows)  
  
Bush: I hope Ryu doesn't decide to attack.  
  
Through the window, a few dozen men are fighting the large, flying Metal Gear with stingers and mounted Mini guns, and obviously visible.  
  
Bush: Not soon anyway.  
  
Back home  
  
Cobra(Ryan): (has his HF blade slung across his back) Let's rock, baby!  
  
Snake: (in MGS1 gear, and with the usual gear) Semper fi.  
  
Raiden: (has a Socom and his Blade) I like to rock!  
  
Meryl: (holsters her Desert Eagle) Let's get this party started!  
  
[Theme: Let's get this party started]  
  
Author: You realize that if you mention the title of a song, it'll automatically play?  
  
Liquid: In the navy.  
  
[Theme: In the navy]  
  
Mikey: Purple Pills!  
  
Author: No abusing my powers! (Strikes Mikey with thunder)  
  
Mikey: (breathes smoke) Ouchie.  
  
Fox: (in camo gear, with an M4 and his Blade) Who dares, wins.  
  
Wolf: (seven months pregnant, with her PSG1) I never say anything remotely useful for this situation, so I'll just say 'Lock and load!'  
  
Mantis: (the usual) I will show him why I'm the most powerful practitioner of telepathy, and psychokinesis in the world!  
  
Tyrant: (wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, and with a FAMAS and a blade) Purple Pills!  
  
Author: You don't listen! (Strikes him again)  
  
Naomi: Bye-bye! Come back safe!  
  
All: Hell bye!  
  
Naomi: Hell bye?! You guys are on drugs.  
  
Tyrant: No shit, Sherlock.  
  
Snake: Let's go! (Jumps in a Humvee)  
  
All others: Hell okay! (All jump in the three hummers)   
  
Tyrant: I said Purple Pills, dammit!!  
  
Author: Fine!  
  
[Theme: Purple Pills]  
  
They drive into the last house on the street. They all jump into-  
  
The backup Presidential Office  
  
Mike's Voice projected by Ryu: So, here we all are at last. I'll have my revenge!! GRYA!! (fires off the Machine Guns on his shoulders and knees)  
  
Tyrant, Fox and Cobra jump into the fray, and deflect all the bullets.  
  
Mike's Voice: Damn! Fine, try this! (Fires off two missiles)  
  
Tyrant and Snake use their automatics and shoot them out of the air.  
  
Snake: Try one of these! (Fires a missiles)  
  
Mike's Voice: Nice try! (Fires of a TMD(theater missile defence))  
  
The stinger missile is destroyed by the other missile.  
  
Wolf: Die!! (fires off all twenty rounds in less than three seconds)  
  
The rounds bounce off of the head, leaving no more that a scratch in the paint job.  
  
Mike's Voice: HAHAHA!!! DIE!! (fires a few dozen missiles out of Ryu's back)  
  
Tyrant, Meryl, Snake and Raiden shoot as many as they can, but one of them lands in the dirt behind them, and they're thrown into the air, and land roughly.  
  
Wolf runs dry, and Fox uses his body as a shield for her, and they both end up sprawled across the field.  
  
Cobra flips around constantly, evading one missile, and tries to back flip over it. It catches him in the back, and sends him rolling across the dirt.  
  
Liquid stands his ground and fires at any that co es close to him. He catches one too late, and it explodes at point blank range.  
  
Mantis makes a mental shield, but it doesn't hold.  
  
Mike's Voice: HAHAHA!! So you don't have what it takes to stop me after all!!  
  
Voice: Not so fast!  
  
Mike's Voice: Don't stand in my way, old man!  
  
Big Boss: Try and stop me! (Empty's the entire P90 magazine) Shit!  
  
Mike's Voice: Where you really the greatest soldier of the twentieth century? I see it was a slow era! I'll send you back to your grave, you old fool!! (flies over him, and burns him with the exhaust)   
  
Big Boss: (collapses) Damn! I'm not strong enough...  
  
Mike's Voice: You're all screwed! (Small explosions rock Ryu) What the hell?!  
  
Man with Shotgun: Virus uploaded.   
  
Mike's Voice: Blizrun! You came to die too?  
  
Blizrun: (aims his high powered shotgun at the eye) Game over.  
  
Mike's Voice: Try me.  
  
Blizrun: (fires into the eye, causing it to explode)  
  
Mike's Voice: Damn!! Eject!!   
  
The body of Ryu explodes, and a small bird like body flies out. Mike's voices blares over the intercom.  
  
Mike's Voice: It's not over yet!!  
  
Blizrun: What the hell? This didn't read in the analysis!  
  
French Voice: Maybe I can be of help?  
  
Blizrun: Strife?  
  
Sephira Strife: Yup. Gotta protect my Godchild. (She's wearing Solidus' exoskeleton suit)  
  
Mike's Voice: Just another insect coming to be crushed.  
  
Sephira Strife: Mange la merde! (Fires off the tenta-missiles)  
  
The missiles hit their mark, and the birdy Ryu crashes. The pilot rolls out.  
  
All FOXHOUND: (wounded and on their knees) OTACON?!  
  
Otacon: (with a voice synthesizer so he sounds like Mike) Umm, hi guys?  
  
Snake: You stupid, pissed stained-turned evil piece of shit!  
  
Mike: (walks in) Hi guys! Whoa! Otacon! (Sees Ryu) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE **** HAPPENED TO MY METAL GEAR?!!??!!?!?!?!?!??!  
  
Sephira Strife&Blizrun: (whistle innocently)  
  
Otacon: Ryu's busted, damn voice box! (Pulls it off and smashes it off the ground. No effect. He stomps on it. Nothing happens. He get's fed up and jumps up and down on it repeatedly)  
  
Mantis: Back on topic!  
  
Mike: (to Otacon) YOU!! Grr.... GRR... GGRRAAAAHH!!!! -  
  
Blizrun: What the hell?  
  
Meryl: He's pissed!  
  
Snake: He's getting pumped!  
  
Tyrant: He's going nuts!  
  
Mantis: I sense evil!  
Raiden: I want a pudding!  
  
Liquid: Holy- He's steaming!  
  
Mike: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (steam shoots out his ears)  
  
Big Boss: (jaw dropped)  
  
Cobra: He's going super self-inserted Author!  
  
Mike: HAA!   
  
A bright light blinds everyone for an instant, and when it dies down, Mike, glowing and evil is floating.  
  
Mike: (eyes have no pupils) Die. (Covers the distance between him and Otacon in the blink of and eye)  
  
Otacon: Holy-  
  
Gecko(Mike): (backhands him off his feet)  
  
Otacon: Oh yeah? (Rises) I'll use my mental powers!! (extends his hands, and the destroyed Ryu's guns fire at Mike)  
  
Gecko: (dodges all the bullets a la Vamp, then uppercut's Otacon off his feet) Time to end this. (Draws his M92F at Otacon)   
  
A figure, trailing flame shoots past Gecko, and his arm falls to the ground.  
  
Gecko: Ah! (Drops down to one knee) Damn! My arm..!  
  
Solidus: (with two eyepatch's) Did you really think you could kill me?  
  
Gecko: Over here.  
  
Solidus: Huh? Oh, sorry. (Turns around to face Gecko) Time to die. (Aims his P90 at Gecko, and is about to fire, when-)  
  
Tyrant: Mike!!! (tackles Solidus to the ground)  
  
Snake: Damn!   
  
Snake, Cobra and Liquid run to the fight, the others are too wounded.  
Wolf: (holding Fox on her knees) Are you okay?  
  
Fox: I feel like... a little alter boy!  
  
Wolf: Oh God! (Starts to cry)  
  
Big Boss: (pulls himself onto one knee) Damn..! Can't feel my arm..!  
  
Meryl: (little birdy's are chasing stars around her head)  
  
Mantis: WAAHHH!! (holding his twisted ankle)  
  
Raiden: (eating a banana pudding) What the hell are you looking at?  
  
Blizrun: Better help!  
  
Sephira Strife: Yup.  
  
Tyrant: You... hurt... my... FRIEND!!!!!!! HAAAA!!!   
  
That's right, he transforms into... Super Self inserted Author's Best Friend!!!  
  
Solidus: That didn't sound good.  
  
Tyrant: (draws his Katana) Shineh. (Prounouced Shin- eh. Japanes for 'die')  
  
Snake: HAA!! (fires off his M4 at Solidus)  
  
Solidus: (fighting off Tyrant, and deflecting bullets) -crapcrapcrapcrap-   
  
Liquid: Take this! (Shoots at him with a FAMAS)  
  
Cobra: Ninja time! (Takes on Solidus at close range)  
  
Sephira Strife: No one escaping us, right mes amis? (Fires a duplicate of his own tenta-missiles)  
  
Solidus: (gets hit) Oof! (Gets back up, sliced, shot, sliced and shot again) Damn!  
  
As FOXHOUND plus Ms. Strife is taking on Solidus, Otacon tries to sneak away.  
  
Blizrun: Trying to go somewhere?  
  
Otacon: Crap! (Makes a mind force field)  
  
Blizrun: Easy. (Shoots it and it shatters)  
  
Otacon: I'll be back! (Grabs onto a rope ladder and flies out on a chopper that quite literally just magically appeared)  
  
Solidus: You win today, but I'll be back! I always will! (Turns and runs right into a tree)  
  
All: Ooh!  
  
The next day, in the hospital  
  
Sephira Strife left, and Wolf had her baby. She named the baby after her. Blizrun moved in as the computer whiz. Mike was in the hospital, and the team was visiting.  
  
Snake: Which room is his? (He's completely lost)  
  
Mantis: Maybe if you asked the receptionist instead of sneaking in!  
  
Meryl: I think he's on the top floor.  
  
Mikey: I hope he's okay.  
  
Raiden: I hope thay have banana pudding!  
  
Mikey: Jack Off! (Punches him out)  
  
Liquid: Maybe he's in the bathroom?  
  
Big Boss: Hold it in.  
  
Ryan: Can't be that bad. He talked his entire eighth grade class to drop kick him one by one!  
  
Mike's Voice: I WANT A DAMN ICE-CREAM!!  
  
Snake: Found him.  
  
In Mike's room.  
  
Mike: (talking to the docter) What language do I have to say it in? I want ice-cream! Donnez-moi de la creme glacee! Yo quiro freaking Ice-cream!  
  
Docter: Sorry sir, we're all out.  
  
Mike: NOO!!!!   
  
Snake: Hey Mike!  
  
Mike: Hey Snake, Mikey, Ryan, Liquid, Meryl, Big Boss, Raiden, Papes.  
  
All: Papes? (They turn around and Papes is standing there)  
  
Papes: (from the first one) (pulls out a piece of paper and reads off of it) Run, the Canadian chickens are coming!   
  
All: (blank stare)  
  
Papes: (ducks his head in shame and leaves)  
  
Mike: See 'ya next time, on-  
  
All: The Misadventures of Unit FOXHOUND!  
  
Author's Note: I'm back! Whoo-hoo! Long live FOXHOUND! Review! 


	9. Camping! A Fistful of Boomstick

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, yadda yadda...Etc You get the point by now. I hope.  
  
- I'm ba–ack!! Admit it, you missed me! ^-^ (gets hit in the face with a rotten tomato) Or not. Excuse my insanely late update, I discovered the wonders of online gaming!   
  
Thank you everybody for the reviews, I love you all!   
  
(Cricket noises) Seriously, I do... Okay then, on with the fic!  
  
The Misadventures of Unit FOXHOUND  
Chapter 10: A Fistful of Boomstick! (Evil Dead flavored)  
Quote of the chapter: 'Unknown': Yo he bitch, come get some!  
  
Raiden: Come get what, pudding?  
  
Author: Like I'm gonna give it away.  
  
It was a freaking cold day, clouds were in the sky, and Alaska was hella miserable!! The team must be all hiding in their rooms.  
  
Top floor  
  
What the hell? Hello–o... Anybody home? ANYBODY?! Heh heh... Must be in the basement, yeah! The basement of Adventures fame!  
  
'The War room' (basement)  
  
Where the -bleep- are those -bleep- ers?! Huh, what's this? (Pick a note up off the coffee table, next to the 80% duct tape lamp) Let's see... "Snake thinks I'm tying my own tubes so I've better make it quick. We've gone camping. Love Meryl" Asswipes! They ditched the narrator!! I'll chase them down, and cut out their spleens! Especially that Mike!  
  
Author: Hey! What the Hell did I do?  
  
Sorry, didn't realize you were listening...  
  
Author: (crosses his arms and narrows his eyes)  
  
Boss? Sir? My lord?  
  
Author: Your lucky you suck up good. But as soon as I find a hot narrator, your ass is fired!!  
  
Yes sir.  
  
In the van, ironically a convertible  
  
Snake: So how long 'till we get to your uncles camp?  
  
Mike: Not long.  
  
Fox: (driving) That's what you said when we were in Alaska you cock!  
  
Note: They're in Ontario  
  
Blizrun: (downloading Hentai) I didn't think it possible, but I got tired of nude DBZ characters. How freaking long have we been on the road?!!  
  
Mikey: Give or take a month.  
  
Wolf: (cradling the baby) Hurry the hell up! I don't want to celebrate my baby's first birthday on the road!  
  
Fox: Honey, calm down! We still have eleven months.  
  
Ryan: Yankee doodle had a farm- (shuts up as the baby starts to strangle him with her tentacle arms) Aggaakreee..!  
  
Fox: You sure that's my kid?  
  
Lil Sephira: (cute gurgling noises)  
  
All minus Ryan: Aww...  
  
Ryan: Aiiieeee!!  
  
Wolf: Baby, no killing idiots.  
  
Lil Sephira: (lets go, then makes more gurgling noises)  
  
Mantis: (sees an animal by the road) (to Mike, Mikey or Ryan) What the hell is that?!  
  
Mikey: It's a beaver.  
  
All members of FOXHOUND minus Mike, Ryan and Mikey: Cool! (Pull out camera's and start taking photos)  
  
Raiden: I wonder if it wants some pudding?  
  
Liquid: Jump out and find out!  
Big Boss: You know, it works much better if you just shove him out.  
  
Fox: Yup.  
  
Mike: If your taking photos, who the Hell is DRIVING?!  
  
Fox: Whoops. (Grabs the steering wheel, only to see that they're about to crash into a log cabing)  
  
All: AHHH!!  
  
Raiden: (eating a pudding) Huh?  
  
Lil Sephira: (gurgles happily)  
  
CRA-freaking-ASH!  
  
Body are strewn everywhere, except the baby who was caught by a strange black haired man with a chainsaw attached to his arm, and a shotgun help firmly in the other one.  
  
???: Somebody say my name?  
  
Blizrun: (weakly, have buried with dirt) Unless your name is 'Ahh' I doubt it.  
  
Liquid: (standing perfectly fine) Anyone see my thong? (He's butt naked)  
  
All: OH, GOD!!  
  
Liquid: Yes, no?  
  
???: (aims the shotgun at him) Two hands there, or else you won't need to!!  
  
Raiden: NOOO-HOOO!!!!  
  
Mike: (up in a flash, pushing off a half ton of stone to help his 'slightly' special friend (I meant that as in retarded, you sickos!)) What? Are you okay?!  
  
Raiden: I spilled my pudding!  
  
Mike: (eyes fall half shut, he starts feeling the numerous bruise, the passes out)  
  
Snake: (lights up a Lucky Striker, and helps Meryl up) Canadian pussy.  
  
Mike: (up in a flash, holding a weed wacker, guess why) What was that, test tube boy?  
  
Snake: (starts to tear up) You son of a bitch!  
  
Mikey: (with a large brach impaling him) Fine, don't ask me how I feel!  
  
Mike: (check's out his wound) I had my arm severed. Screw off.  
  
???: I cut my own hand off.  
  
Ryan: (notices him) Mike! MikeMikeMikeMikeMike-  
  
Mike: (punches him off his feet) WHAT?!  
  
Ryan: (points to ???) Ash!!  
  
Mike: (looks) Holy crap, Bruce Campbell!  
  
Ash: Names Ashley J. Williams.  
  
Big Boss: (Hops off of the roof) Ashley? (Snicker)  
  
Blizrun: At least his name makes sense. Urg! (Pulls the branch out of Mikey) I wonder where we are? I'll check the G.P.S. (Walks over to a log and sits on it)  
  
Fox: (with Wolf over his shoulder, walks up the steps) Hey Mike, we close yet?  
  
A few tons of stone lift themselves from the ground and are flung into the lake. Everybody looks into the crater.  
  
Mantis: I think my everything is broken. (Notices Liquid's thong on his head) Wahh! (Throws it away)  
  
Thong: (falls over the ledge)  
  
Liquid: I'm coming for you baby! (Dives off after it)  
  
Mike: What the hell are you doing here?  
  
Ash: Well you see, (a crash is heard in the background) I found out that the Necronomicon was hidden here, and I came to get it.  
  
Mike: You mean the old book my uncle uses as a coaster for his drinks? Wait a second, here?  
  
Ash: Yeah, I said here, baby.  
  
Mike: WHOO HOO!! We made it to my uncles cabin!  
Blizrun runs over  
  
Blizrun: We're at Mike's uncle's camp!  
  
Fox: (sets down Wolf, who get the baby from Ash) We know.  
  
Mikey: Little late there.  
  
Ryan: Dumbass.  
  
Blizrun: (smashes Ryan over the ledge towards Liquid with his shotgun) Cocksucker!  
  
Mantis: I've been violated.  
  
Raiden: Want some pudding? Pudding owns!  
  
Ash: No, now blow.  
  
Raiden: Blow who?  
  
Blizrun: Sick little monkey humper!  
  
Mike: It means leave. (Under his breath) And I though Ryan had problems.  
  
Big Boss: (who just checked the wreckage) Guys? All we have left are a couple of Katanas, an axe and a lighter.  
  
Mike: Dibs on the Axe.  
  
Blizrun: (patting his shotgun affectionately) I love you baby.  
  
Mikey: (sarcastically) I love you too.  
  
Blizrun: (smashes him over, too) Canadians. (Sigh)  
  
Mike: Why you little... (picks up Raiden by the hair and bats Blizrun away with him)  
  
Liquid: I'm ba-(gets knocked bask over with Blizrun) Not funn-  
  
Crack!  
  
Liquid: Oww..  
  
Mike: (throws Raiden over the edge, too) Good riddance.  
Ryan and Mikey pop back up over the edge, covered in twigs and the like.  
  
Ryan: Hi.  
  
Mikey: Wazzup?!  
  
Mike: Can't kill you two off, can we?  
  
Snake: I tried. (Puts his cigaret out on Mikey's head)  
  
Mikey: Ouchie! ( runs around with his hair on fire)  
  
Voice from inside the house: What's making all that racket?  
  
Mike: No way in hell..!  
  
Mikey, Ryan and Fox take the Katana's, Meryl pulls out her self breast examination kit and Snake pulls out his boxers. Then he realizes he pulled out his boxers and pulls out a lighter. Big Boss gets into fighting stance and Wolf guards the baby via a large rock in her hand. Mantis just moans in pain. The door opens and-  
  
Man: Mike!  
  
Mike: Dad!! (runs up and hugs him) (turns around) Guess we picked a bad time to vacation, huh?  
  
Group: (hastily gets rid of the weapons) Uh-huh?  
  
Little Rat dog with two teeth: Woof, woof!  
  
Ryan, Mike and Mikey: Diggy!  
  
Mike: (picks hi up and starts to pet him) (funny voice) Good boy, that's a good boy! (Notices the stares from the team) What the hell are you staring?!  
  
James: (my dad) Michael! Language!  
  
Mike: Sorry sir.  
  
Mantis: (finally crawled out of the crater) (makes a whipping noise)  
  
Everyone steps away from Mantis. Mantis realizes what he just did, and goes wide eyed.  
  
Mike uses his mega super duper uber giga Author Powers, and throws Mantis off the edge. Followed by the wrecked car.  
  
James: Mike, you gotta quit doing that! People will think you're a jerk!  
  
Ryan: Hello sir. (My dad was his 8th grade teacher. He wont call him anything else)  
  
Mikey: Hey Mr. Meechan. (He is Mikey's teacher. HeHEAHAHA!)  
  
Snake: (shakes his hand) Name's Dave... Plisken.  
  
Meryl: I'm Meryl Silverbourg. I'm a friend of your son.  
  
Mike: (gives a real sarcastic nod)  
  
Liquid, Mantis Blizrun and Raiden scale up the little cliff.  
  
Wolf: I am Sniper Wolf.  
  
Fox: (points to the baby) That's ma girl, Sephira Strife II. I'm Frank. Frank Jaeger.  
  
James: Nice to see you.  
  
Raiden: I'm Raiden.   
  
James: Nice name for a girl.  
  
Snake: Damn strait.  
  
All: (laugh)  
  
James: I miss something?  
  
Ash: Ashley J. Williams. Call me Ash.  
  
James: Nice hand.  
  
Ash: Yeah, thanks...  
  
Blizrun: Name's Blizrun, computer's my specialty.  
  
James: Weird names.  
  
Mantis: I am Psycho Mantis!  
  
Liquid: Liquid Snake.  
James: Dear God!!   
  
Big Boss: I'm Liquid and Dave's father. Names... Juan Sanchez.  
  
James: Nice to meet you Juan.  
  
Mike: I feel like we're missing someone...  
  
Fox: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Wolf: (slaps him) Don't over do the !'s!  
  
Fox: Naomi!!  
  
FOXHOUND: Crap...  
  
Mike: I though the ride got quieter after that one gas station...  
  
Some Random Highway  
  
Naomi: I'm gonna kill those bastards. (Sees a car coming and lifts a sign over her head. Will give blow job for ride)  
  
Camp  
  
Mantis: She'll show up somewhere. Like Snakes condoms!  
  
Snake: That was you?!  
  
Mantis: (really fast) Liquiddidit! (It reads Liquid did it)  
  
Diggy: Woof! Woof woof!!  
  
Mike: What is it boy?  
  
Diggy: Woof!  
  
Mike: Walking dead?!  
  
Diggy: Woof woof woof!!  
  
Blizrun: He understands that..?  
  
Snake: Freaky.  
Meryl: My bra's too tight. (Plays with her chest, then notices the stares) What? What? (Gets it) You perverts!  
  
Ash: Hail to the King, baby!  
  
Big Boss: Enough with the one liners you asshole!  
  
Ash: (revs his Chainsaw hand) Yo he bitch, come get some!  
  
Raiden: Come get what? Pudding?  
  
Fox: Wait a goddamn second. Walking dead?!  
  
All: Walking dead?!  
  
Raiden: Pudding.  
  
Suddenly, a drooling freak of nature leaps out of the woods.  
  
Ash and Blizrun blow it off its feet, and into a tree.  
  
Ash: Scratch one walking dead.  
  
Mike: That was Cory Pilon you dumb ****s!!! He wasn't a monster, just an idiot!!  
  
Blizrun:...  
  
Ash:...  
  
Both: I knew that.  
  
Mike: Then why the hell did you kill him?!  
  
Mantis: What the hell's that smell?  
  
Mikey: He's a hillbilly.  
  
Wolf: Wacked a yokel, huh?  
  
Ryan: Bet he'll smell real bad in an hour.  
  
A second freak of nature lurches out of the forest, it's eyes white and it's flesh decayed.  
  
Blizrun and Ash give Mike a look.  
Mike: That one you can kill.  
  
They did so.  
  
Meryl: How are we going to get out of here?  
  
Liquid: Hmm...  
  
Raiden: Offer them pudding?  
  
Ash: (levels the shotgun at his head) You sure he's okay?  
  
Liquid: He's a drooling freak of nature, yes. A monster? Not in the sense you think.  
  
Ash: (lowers it) Can't be too careful.  
  
A cat comes strutting out of the forest. Mike, Ryan, Mikey, Snake, Liquid, Meryl, Fox and Raiden recognize it as... Tiggs!!!  
  
[cue freaky music]  
  
Wolf: Hold me!  
  
Fox: (grabs her between the legs)  
  
Wolf: (evil, commanding voice) Hold me higher.  
  
Tiggs: Meow.  
  
Note: No translation.  
  
Mike: Tiggey! (Hands Diggy to Liquid and picks up Tiggs. He then turns to see several weapons leveled at his head) You shoot my cat, and I swear, anyone who values his or her testicles will suffer.  
  
The weapons dropped, fast.  
  
Ash: (to Blizrun) Was he serious?  
  
Blizrun: I'm pretty sure he'd do it.  
  
Ash: No, I meant do the women have testicles.  
  
Blizrun: (turns to him and gives him the 'You goddamn idiot' look)  
Ash: What?  
  
James: I say we hitch hike.  
  
Big Boss: That won't work. No one will pick us up!  
  
Mantis: Unless...  
  
Snake: Yeah?  
  
Mantis: We let the driver sexually abuse Raiden.  
  
Mike: All in favor.  
  
Mikey: I  
  
Snake: I   
  
Liquid: I  
  
Meryl: I  
  
James: I  
  
Mantis: I  
  
Ash: I  
  
Mike: I  
  
Blizrun: I  
  
Ryan: I  
  
Blizrun: I  
  
Snake: You already said I.  
  
Blizrun: Shut up!  
  
Raiden: Nay..?  
  
James: Too bad. You're a truckers bitch now!  
  
The group wandered into the forest, gunning down, slicing and sawing apart the Evil Dead as they came.  
  
Mike: Ahem.  
  
And Mike axed them. Then they came upon a road.  
  
Snake: We made it!!  
  
All: Whoo hoo!  
  
Diggy: Woof woof!  
  
Tiggs: Meow.  
  
Suddenly, a horrible creature staggered out of the forest. It was... an evil beaver!!  
  
Mike: We are SO screwed.  
  
Ash: Maybe you pussies are! C'mon!  
  
Ash and Blizrun empty countless shells (7 each) into the horrible freak, and it came for them.  
  
Mike: Split up! (Gets tackled by the thing, and his coat comes off)  
  
James: HOLY ****!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM!?  
  
Mike: Long story..? (gets tackled again, and staggers around a bit, before passing out)  
  
James: You hurt my son, now you die. (Pulls out a massive double headed axe) It's night-night you sick freak!!  
  
Beaver: Squeakity. (Shit)  
  
James: DIE!!! BUAHAHAHAH!!!  
  
Mr. Meechan axes the poor thing into a thousand pieces, and Raiden eats some pudding. Bland scene.  
  
Ash: Bland my ass!  
  
Snake: I was smoking.  
  
Whoop deedoo!  
  
Ryan: I vote we stay at Mike's place for a while. All in-  
  
James: Oh hell no! You aren't dragging my son into anymore shit! You came from Alaska, your going back!  
  
Ryan: Damn.  
  
Big Boss: (sees a car coming and lifts a sign reading 'will let you molest little blond dude in the sneaking thing suit')  
  
The car stops, and they get in. On group is off to Alaska, and Mike is off home with his dad and the pets. Is it the end?  
  
Ash: What about me?  
  
You can go to Mike's place.  
  
Ash: I forgot the book!!!  
  
Make another movie. Anyway, is it the end?  
  
Ash: Can you make a fic about me?  
  
I'll get to, now let me finish you ****er!!  
  
Ash: ...  
  
Is it the end? Find out next time on, The Misadventures of Unit FOXHOUND!!  
  
Ash: Find out on the next chapter? Oh, that's REAL subtle!!  
  
Screw off.  
  
END..?  
  
Submit a review. You see it on the bottom left hand corner? Click there. NOW!! 


	10. The return to Madness!

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters or organisations in this cheap quality story. Ah, back to the basics. God bless Metal Gear!!  
  
Screw X-box  
  
Author's note: It's been way too long. I'm back, and I'm giving up the crossovers.  
  
Cloud: (FF7) You lied to me!  
  
Snake: (caps Cloud) Now that's Metal Gear.  
  
............Misadventures of Unit FOXHOUND  
  
.....................The Return of Madness  
  
The gang is at the once again reconstructed grocery store. Mike is in Canada, with his family, out of the cast..? Snake, Liquid, Fox, Ryan and Papes are shopping for some- PAPES?! How the hell is he back!? I killed him like eight times!!!!  
  
Papes: (pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket) Necrophilia makes my left scrotum tingle.  
  
... welcome back.  
  
Mikey: What about me?!  
  
And Mikey. They are shopping for some advanced edition PS2 only Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater's and a Twin Snakes for the GameCube. Screw X-box! And buying some presents from fraking pissed Naomi. When the hell did she get back?  
  
Snake: (lights a cig) It's been 4 months man. Get over it.  
  
Fox: Are we going to shop, or what?  
  
Liquid: Good thing Wolf and the lil Sephira are off to the middle east to meet some relatives, huh?  
  
Papes: (pulls out a paper) Maybe an apple core will cure her ails?  
  
Ryan: (laughs) You so crazy!  
  
Mikey: What should we do?  
  
Ryan: Something stupid.  
  
All: (look at him)  
  
Ryan: What?  
  
Snake: (lights another one and pops it in) Good idea. I say we mug the cashier and spray paint our names on the front door.  
  
Fox: NUDE!!  
  
Everyone in the store: (stares at him)  
  
Fox: ... did I say nude? I meant... Dude.  
  
All: (quirk eybrows)  
  
Fox: (on the verge of tears) Don't look at me! (Hisses and runs into aisle 7)  
  
All: (quirk other eyebrows)  
  
Papes: (pulls out a paper) Lick me there, it's almost clean.  
  
Ryan: (quirks eyebrow) Dude, did you even finish smoking the first one?  
  
Snake: (lights and smokes a 3rd cig) Nope. Gotta do it every time I talk.  
  
Liquid: I liked Fox's idea. Just the thing we would have done in Adventures of Neo FOXHOUND.  
  
All: (sigh)  
  
Fox: (magically back) Just like the good old days.  
  
Ryan: Whoa! Don't do that!  
  
Fox: (disappears and reappears) Stealth camouflage, can't help it.  
  
Now why can't Sanke do that?  
  
Snake: (smokes another one) It's spelled Snake.  
  
Damn you WordPerfect! Damn you!!  
  
Liquid: And when was the last time we had a spontaneous song moment.  
  
All: ...  
  
Mikey: Bye bye bye!  
  
Snake: (pops in another) Mr. Crowly!  
  
Ryan: Killer of Giants!  
  
Liquid: O Canada!  
  
Papes: (pulls out a paper) Well get your finger out of my ass, cuz I'm leaving you behind!  
  
Fox: Dream On!  
  
War Pigs!  
  
All: ... (start singing various songs)  
  
Blizrun: (walks in, bitch slaps each of them, and leaves)  
  
All: ... (start singing various songs)  
  
Blizrun: (runs in and kicks Liquid in the nuts)  
  
Liquid: My testies..!  
  
Blizrun: I made my point. (Leaves)  
  
Snake: Alright, first on the grocery list-  
  
Fox: I thought we were buying games?  
  
And you didn't smoke!  
  
Snake: (pops in two cigs)  
  
And for the 'All's and the song name.  
  
Snake: (pops in three more.)  
  
And because you just had your name down.  
  
Snake: (pops in two more)  
  
Ryan: Let's Get This Party Started!  
  
Mikey: I thought you played the song every time we named it.  
  
... buy your damn games.  
  
Fox: Me and Ryan go for Snake Eater. Snake, Papes and Mikey go for Twin Snakes. Liquid...  
  
Liquid: (curled up in the fetal position)  
  
Fox: Get some ice...  
  
Snake,(lights a cig) Papes and Mikey: Right!/Look, the chickens are coming!  
  
Snake(lights one), Mikey: (look at Papes)  
  
Papes: (pulls out a paper, shrugs)  
  
Mikey: You can't even make a gesture without reading a paper? Dude, weak.  
  
Snake: I'm having a hard time breathing...  
  
  
  
You didn't-   
  
Pop.  
  
Crap!  
  
Snake: Silenced USP. God bless Substance.  
  
Amen.   
  
Papes: (pulls a paper out) Delay the inevitable, as you please... death will find you regardless.  
  
Snake: Good line, but a little out of context.  
  
Mikey: Man, I miss Mike. Granted he got his ass kicked a lot and died once... I died twice, damn you!  
  
Snake: You know, Mike wrote all your death scenes.  
  
Mikey: When I find that little..!  
  
Random Chinese Person holding a chicken walks by.   
  
Mikey: (wrings the chicken's neck) DIEDIEDIE!  
  
RCP: No, you kill chicken, yum yum.  
  
Snake: You'll choke his chicken?  
  
Mikey: Go frak Papes.  
  
Papes: (does his usual bit) Come to me my undead son, the stage is set for the Grand Finale.  
  
Snake: Enough LoK, people mite think we're crossing over!  
  
Mikey: Crossing over into what?  
  
Snake: A... Crossover.  
  
Mikey: (gasp)  
  
Papes: (pulls out a piece of paper) Sigh.  
  
Mikey: Getting close.  
  
Snake: You two are the lowest form of original characters I have ever met.   
  
Mikey: Ever?  
  
Snake: What did I just say?  
  
Mikey: Snake: You two are the lowest form of original characters I have ever met.  
  
Snake: Did you have to throw my name in as well?  
  
Mikey: What did I just say.  
  
Snake: (punches Mikey in the head) Moron!  
  
Papes: (takes out another piece of paper) Booze and boobs- the essence of every good evening.  
  
Mikey: (rubbing his bruised skull) Oww...  
  
Snake: Wise words. Now- to buy Snake Eater!  
  
And so the three of them snake through the aisles, until Papes tripped over a pacifier and shouted 'Three apples for every orange!'. People started crowding over. The two continued, till Mikey saw a dirty mag and stopped for a read. Snake went on, and found the PS2 aisle. That's right, it has an entire aisle to itself. A man brushed by him as he reached the new releases and found the allocated spot for Snake Eater... EMPTY!?!?!??!?   
  
Guy who bumped into Snake: (at the cash register) I'll take all fifteen copies of Snake Eater, and the sex, err, six copies of Twin Snakes.  
  
Cashier: Here you are, enjoy your day!   
  
The man turns and leaves, then the cashier's brains are blown across the room.  
  
Snake: (holding a silenced USP) Damn! Shouldn't hae been on that drinking fringe!  
  
Liquid limps over to Snake, able to walk again.  
  
Liquid: That bastard just stepped on my knee on the way out!  
  
Snake: And he bought everything Metal Gear in the building.  
  
Liquid: (checks under his coat) The thong's still here.  
  
Snake: The games you dumb English fraker!  
  
Liquid: Been a while since I heard that one. I'll call the rest of the men on the codec.  
  
Snake: Alright.   
  
They stand in silence for a good minute.  
  
Snake: You don't know the frequency do you?  
  
Liquid: No. I was waiting for them to get in earshot. Hey guys!!  
  
The other group looks over a rack.  
  
Liquid: Some prick assaulted me!  
  
Snake: And...  
  
Liquid: Oh, right. He also bought every copy of the games we were looking for. Shall we hunt him down and sodomize him until he ends his own life?  
  
The Security Guard next to him starts reaching for the radio.  
  
Liquid: Because I sure as hell wont. Heheh...  
  
Snake: Let's just go.  
  
[FRONT YARD]  
  
Ryan: Mine! (Throws the katana at the Guy Who Bought The Games)  
  
Guy Who Bought The Games: (deflects it away with one of his own) So, we meet at last, Gray Gecko...  
  
Ryan: That's Mike. I'm Solid Cobra.  
  
GWBTG: Whatever. You invited me in one chapter a year ago. This is vengeance for neglecting me! (Throws off his baseball cap to reveal–)  
  
Snake: The bastard who wrote the Darkness Before The End!  
  
Shade: Son-of-a-bitch. I knew that would haunt me!  
  
Fox: This ends here, Auzzie! Give us the games!  
  
Mikey: Yeah!  
  
Shade: You don't understand do you? I am invincible! I have METAL GEAR RYU MARK II!! You're ALL DEAD! HAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
The back door of the van next to him pops open, revealing Otacon.  
  
Otacon: Um, Shade? That isn't running yet.  
  
Shade: Wha- DAMMIT!! Tell me that before the evil boast! Are you a villain or an idiot?  
  
Otacon: Villain.  
  
Shade: I– frak it. Let's go.  
  
He hops in the van and they drive off. A window rolls down and he flips the group off.  
  
Liquid: AH! He flipped me off, did you see that? He flipped ME off!  
  
Ryan: He flipped us all off.   
  
Papes: (takes a paper) It kills the victim by simulating a backflip.  
  
Snake: What the hell is he talking about?  
  
Fox: FoxFlip?  
  
Mikey: We need to track him down!  
  
Liquid: And tear off that finger!  
  
All: Hell yeah!  
  
Mikey: What about Metal–  
  
Snake: Let's go! (Get's into the van)  
  
Mikey: But-  
  
Fox: C'mon! (Drags him into the van)  
  
[FOXHOUND HQ. That's right, the old cigarette factory]  
  
.  
  
.?  
  
.!  
  
Blizrun: He's got WHAT!??!?!?!?!?!  
  
Naomi: Fleas.  
  
Blizrun: (pets a dog) Poor boy.  
  
Mantis: I can read your mind!!! Banana pudding? Is that ever out of your head?  
  
Raiden: (eating a banana pudding) Nope. Not my mouth either.  
  
Mantis: Among other things...  
  
Meryl: What's taking the guys so long? I wanna see me in high CGI rendering!  
  
Blizrun: You think that's bad? The little Sephira hasn't quit with the e-mails.  
  
A photo of the baby pops up, in full Solidus gear, flipping him off.  
  
Blizrun: I hate you.  
  
Naomi: She's only a baby!  
  
Blizrun: With Fox's genes...  
  
Naomi: A scary though indeed.  
  
Meryl: I swear to god I thought I saw him with him camo on in Shadow Moses. Ogling me while I was working out...  
  
Blizrun and Mantis were drooling profusely.  
  
Meryl: Who wants to lose their knee first?  
  
They both looked at each other, then gestured to Raiden.  
  
*BAM*  
  
Raiden: My pudding! No wait, it's okay. Just a little bloody. (Shrugs and keeps eating)  
  
Snake smashes through the window.  
  
Naomi: What the hell is wrong with you?  
  
Snake: You know that guy who wrote 'The Darkness Before the End?  
  
Naomi: Who doesn't. Monster with a pike, really...  
  
Blizrun: I actually liked it. Anime fan, you know.  
  
Mantis: You liked it?  
  
Blizrun: You read it?  
  
Mantis: No, just ripped the memories from your brain.  
  
Blizrun: Memories of?  
  
Mantis: The Darkness Before the End.  
  
Blizrun: What the hell is that?   
  
Mantis: Thought so.  
  
Fox: (walks in the front door) He flipped us off!  
  
Naomi: Really Frankie!   
  
Ryan: We're gonna tear his finger off!  
  
Naomi: That's pushing it.  
  
Meryl: I hear you there.  
  
Liquid: In a parking lot!  
  
Meryl: Whoop-dee-doo!  
  
Mikey: And he joined forces with Otacon and created Metal Gear RYU Mark II!  
  
Naomi: Oh my god!! Kick his ass!  
  
Blizrun: I already blew that up! Damn, I'm coming.  
  
A loud belch comes from the uber famous basement.   
  
Big Boss: Not without me you wont.  
  
Snake: Alright, let's pick out a team. I say, me, Liquid, the old man, the Canadian guy, the several times dead Canadian guy, Fox and Blizrun.   
  
Mantis: Leave out the guy with a split personality, sure.  
  
Raiden: Banana split?  
  
Mantis: Oh, shut the hell up.  
  
Snake: Too bad that Quebec girl isn't around. She was helpful.  
  
Ryan: Mike might actually have been of use!  
  
Fox: I miss him. No one else danced like a hobo for quarters like him.  
  
Mikey: Mike, dance? Nasty.  
  
Snake: Let's go!   
  
All: Hell Yeah!!  
  
Naomi: Do you even know where he is?  
  
All: ...  
  
Papes: (pulls out an add) Hate Sephiroth0201 as much as I do? Sign up today! Free membership to those willing to take that prick on. Punch and pie. We are located two houses left of FOXHOUND HQ.  
  
Liquid: ..!  
  
Snake: Deep.  
  
Fox: No liquor in the basement. (Glares at Big Boss)  
  
Mikey: Told ya he's useful!  
  
Ryan: Sit Paper Reading Jackass, sit!  
  
Papes: (sits in a corner)  
  
Snake: Let's go!   
  
All: Hell yeah!  
  
.  
  
[ANTI Sephiroth0201 HQ]  
  
.  
  
They pull up and hop out of the van. Only to see...  
  
Shade: It working yet?   
  
Otacon: (slamming a wrench off of Metal Gear's foot) Almost!  
  
The machine lights up.  
  
Shade: We got it!  
  
Snake: It's moving!  
  
Shade: Huh? Ah. You showed up. Time to introduce the group. BLACKHOUND, front and center.  
  
Vamp: (hops off the roof) I'll slice you up for killing me off.'  
  
Raven: (kicks open the door to the out house) Time to die.  
  
Olga: (decked out in full Fox gear) Damn you, Sephiroth0201! You made me a molested corpse!  
  
Fortune: (steps off the porch) You made me flash him! HIM!!  
  
Cobra: (nodding) Yes you did. Yes you did...  
  
Solidus: (still has two eye patches) Where the hell is that Canadian prick?! I'll pay him back.  
  
Tyrant: Like hell you will!  
  
Otacon: (whips out a bigger wrench) Come get some!  
  
Liquid: (takes a step back) Ah!  
  
Snake: For God's sake, it's a wrench!  
  
Liquid: Monkey wrench!  
  
Big Boss: M-monkey wrench?  
  
Tyrant: Oh my god.  
  
Fox: I had an encounter with a monkey once. Back in 87, when-  
  
Emma: Shut the hell up you freak! You kicked me off the team! I'll kill you!  
  
Snake: Let's go!  
  
Raven fires off his vulcan gun. Tyrant and Fox defend from the front, and Big Boss (much to everyone's surprise) flips off of their shoulders, kicking Raven off his feet. That's a lot of distance for an old man to cover.  
  
Raven: This is Raven's territory. Bosses don't belong in Alaska.  
  
Big Boss: I saw you at the World Indian Eskimo Olympics a year back.  
  
Raven: Then you know of my best game.  
  
Big Boss: Yeah. I challenge you to a muktuk eating contest!  
  
Raven: Say what?  
  
Big Boss: (pulls up a table and sets down some muktuk) Get eating!  
  
Raven: You're kidding?  
  
Olga flips over the group, and slices at Liquid (who squeals like a girl), but has her blade blocked by Fox.  
  
Fox: Outta my suit you hairy pitted bitch!  
  
Olga: I resent that!  
  
They square off. Vamp sends a barrage of knives at Liquid, who shoots them all out of midair.  
  
Vamp: This is getting familiar..!  
  
Liquid: (smiling) Yes it is.  
  
Vamp: Crap.  
  
Solidus charges Tyrant, but slams into a tree on the way there. Tyrant steps over and helps him to his feet, then kicks him square in the nads.  
  
Tyrant: Never trust a guy with more hair than a fro!  
  
Cobra is backing away from Emma slowly, who's swinging a bat at him. He sees an opening and slaps her. (!!!!)   
  
Emma: Ow, you jerk!  
  
Cobra: Shit, are you okay? (get's hit upside his head with the bat)  
  
Emma: Better now.  
  
Otacon: I'll use my incredible skills as a hacker to kill you all!  
  
Blizrun: Not so quick. (quick draws his super Shotgun)   
  
Otacon: (swings the wrench) Bring it on!  
  
Fortune: Let's go, big man!  
  
Snake: Damn right!  
  
Fortune: Was that a come on?  
  
Snake: You know it!  
  
Fortune: This isn't worth it!   
  
She leaves.  
  
Snake: That was easy. Not as easy as her, I bet.   
  
He jumps out of the way quickly, and a SOCOM round hits the dirt near where he stood before.  
  
Shade: Not so quick.  
  
Snake: I'll get you back for flipping me off!  
  
Big Boss: (munching away at the muktuk)   
  
Raven: (looking under the weather) Arg... too much muktuk.  
  
Snake: Let's go! (Shoots at him)   
  
Shade: (de and rematerialises in front of Snake and slices him) Those two idiots never used their Author Powers practically, but I will!   
  
Snake: Then why aren't you getting laid right now?   
  
Shade: Vengeance, then fun. (Waves at Brittany Spears)  
  
Spears: (waves back)  
  
Snake: You SOB, I'll kill you! (empties the entire clip)  
  
Shade: Still standing. Aw well, time to kill a Snake. (kicks him INTO the wall)  
  
Snake: Now I know how Fatman's coffee table must feel. Laugh and let one rip out your ass like a bat out of hell, he should say.  
  
Shade: (aims his SOCOM at Snake, then straight to the roof of his house and fires)  
  
A figure wearing a long coat leaps off the house, spinning like a top. He lands about a foot behind Shade.  
  
Shade: Mike Meechan.  
  
Gecko: Sup Simon?  
  
Shade: I thought you were out of it?  
  
Gecko: Nah, got bored.  
  
All: Mike!  
  
Shade: (rolls his eyes) Quick on the ball, aren't you?  
  
FOXHOUND, having wiped the floor with his group, step forward.   
  
Shade: Now to use my new toy! (Jumps all the way up into Metal Gear)  
  
Snake: Damn, too late.  
  
Raven: (crawls by) Too much muktuk...   
  
Blizrun: Well, they upgraded it all right.  
  
Liquid: Nice paint job.  
  
Fox: Liquid, that's the house.  
  
Liquid: I know. Man, I wish you guys bought that one instead of the old factory.  
  
Snake: (lights a cig) Don't talk down to tobacco.  
  
Tyrant: That was an easy fight.  
  
Cobra: (rubbing the back of his head) You have no idea.  
  
Gecko: Hey, MY RYU!!!  
  
Big Boss: We have to take it out!  
  
Fox: And fast.  
  
Gecko: It's mine, let me handle this.   
  
He steppes forward, the wind blowing. He throws his long coat into the wind, which changes directions suddenly. The coat hits him in the face, and he tosses it behind him. The wind goes back in it's original direction, getting the back of his head. He shoots it straight down and stomps on it. Then he reveals his new toy.  
  
Fox: Hey, my arm!  
  
That's right, I stole Fox's exoskeleton arm. Well, he's still got both so he shouldn't be too pissed off.  
  
Gecko: Say hello to my wee friend, laddies!   
  
He dashes forward and slams his new arm into RYU Mark II. No effect.  
  
Gecko: Frak.  
  
A missile blows him off his feet.  
  
Gecko: Always me.   
  
Tyrant: My ass! You killed me off twice!  
  
Gecko: Often me.  
  
Big Boss: Take him down!  
  
Shade: Nice try, now DIE!! (brings the leg down at Gecko)  
  
Gecko: (rolls away and get's sent into the air with the shockwave, spinning and firing off a clip of his 9mm. He lands) I love the trailers for Snake Eater.  
  
Shade: Didn't even scratch me!  
  
Gecko: (walks over and points at a scratch he made)  
  
Shade: Fine, a scratch!  
  
He proceeds to kick Gecko right into a tree and take to the air, firing off a payload of missiles. The team dodges and shoots down missiles.  
  
Shade: Eat lead, dipshits!  
  
The multiple vulcans go off. Fox starts to perform backflips, then flips forward once, dodging all of the 20mm rounds. He fires off his REX Buster.   
  
Blizrun leaps up into a tree and starts firing his anti-aircraft like shotgun.  
  
Big Boss rolls off to the side of the road and puts him MP5 to use.  
  
Liquid strafes with his FAMAS firing.   
  
Gecko rolls onto his back and moans.  
  
Tyrant leaps into the air and sends his katana at RYU.  
  
Cobra uses his powers to summon a Stinger and drinks it. Then he summons a Stinger Launcher and fires a rocket at him.  
  
Snake pulls himself out of the wreckage of the house and sees a power box on its back. He shoots it. RYU loses power.  
  
Shade: What the hell? Fly, FLY!!  
  
It doesn't.   
  
*KA-BOOM*  
  
The shockwave of the crash knock the team over. Gecko gets up. He looks around, shrugs and drops. The team gets up. RYU explodes. The team falls over.   
  
Gecko: This is starting to piss me off.   
  
Snake: Same here.  
  
Fox: Oh ya. Oh ya.  
  
Blizrun: I'm a hacker, I can't deal with this.  
  
Liquid: At least we offed that prick.  
  
.  
  
[SOME RANDOM PLACE]  
  
.  
  
Naomi: Yes sir. Decoy Octopus is dead again. Yes sir, my cover is still intact, no one knows you picked me up to join your evil plot after the group left me hitchhiking for six months. No sir, they think it as you. Your blood gave him your powers, but not your skills. Yes sir, I am coming on to you. No sir, I wouldn't enjoy a three way with you and Brittany Spears. Yes sir, I understand. Goodbye, Shade.  
  
DUNDUNDUN.   
  
Review! 


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